The credibility stakes: The fifty most uncool people

The NME this week published its annual list of the 50 coolest people on the planet. 'The Independent' offers an alternative - and not entirely serious - selection: the world's least hip celebrities
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Connie Fisher

The Sound of Music star was pictured in the News of the World allegedly cheating on her boyfriend with a backstage soundman. Naughty!

Vernon Kay

Vernon presents Family Fortunes. One day, he may follow Les Dennis into pantomime - but you can only go so far with hair like a Lego man.

Paris Hilton

Paris Travelodge, more like. Shot to fame in a home-made sex film, and is good at wearing small dresses, carrying small dogs, and losing cellphones.

Richard Branson

The beard. The pullovers. The toothy grin. And those naff photo-ops with leggy lovelies. Oh, and his current hissy-fit outpourings over ITV.

Cheryl Tweedy

The poor man's Posh, ended up in court after punching a cloakroom attendant who stopped her stealing lollipops from a nightclub. Classy!

Prince William

Poor old Wills, saddled with responsibility, a receding hairline and a steady, Sloaney girlfriend. Should learn to play Harry's game and live a little.

Elton John

Wonderful musician; truly ridiculous dress-sense. Has been added to the "un-cool" list for crimes against fashion too numerous to mention.

Elizabeth Hurley

Liz used to dream of being an actress. Now she supplements the income from occasional film roles by selling tights and expensive bikinis.

David Cameron

Eton. The lime-green tie. The wind-turbine. The chauffeur-driven car that follows his cycle into work. White's club. Face like runny cheese. Etc.

Patricia Hewitt

Nothing raises the blood pressure faster than our Health Secretary taking to the airwaves. Calm, gentle Patricia is the voice of the nanny state.

Andrew Neil

The greatest newspaper editor of his generation (according to him). But he never really cut it as a babe magnet thanks to That Vest.

Sandi Toksvig

Cruelly lampooned as the love child of Bilbo Baggins and an Ewok, this patronising schoolmarm presents some of the smuggest programmes on radio.

Russell Brand

Looks - in his own words - like "an S&M Willy Wonka". At the 2006 NME awards, Bob Geldof summed it up: "Russell Brand... what a twat."

Jordan (aka Katie Price)

At the World Music Awards, an American publicist was overheard discussing the pneumatic former porn star thus: "Who is that transvestite?"

David Walliams

Responsible for some of the most annoying catchphrases in television history. Bought Noel Gallagher's old house in achingly trendy Primrose Hill.

Jude Law

Take a look at Sienna Miller (qv). Then look at Daisy Wright, the woman he cheated on her with. Now decide if this cravat-wearing cad has any taste.

Mel Gibson

Pariah status, after being caught drink-driving in Hollywood and telling the arresting office: "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world."

Oasis

Cocky, middle-aged, Beatles tribute band who've barely mustered a good song. Doesn't stop them slagging everybody else off, of course.

James Blunt

Sounds like a girl, dresses like a tramp. Changed his surname from Blount in a bid to hide a cut-glass background: Harrow and the Household Cavalry.

Richard Curtis

Crimes include writing the line: "Is it raining? I hadn't noticed?" and launching Hugh Grant. Won't be cool until he makes a film with a sad ending.

Gillian McKeith

Achieved fame through sniffing other people's poo. If Dr Gillian's such a health expert, why does she look like a walking skeleton?

Chris Martin

Macrobiotic pop ponce who named his child after a fruit, and writes songs that sound as anaemic as his wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, looks.

Kate Moss

Emerged from her brush with the law more bankable than ever, but surely that relentless over-exposure has got to end soon. Please?

Gary Lineker

Once, Gary was a wonderful footballer. Now the perma-tanned boulevardier has been reduced to flogging crisps to obese schoolchildren.

Paul McCartney

Forget Heather (qv). At Macca's age you do not wear a leather jacket, or smoke pot, or dye your hair. Do we still need Paul now that he's 64?

Heather Mills

Estranged wife of former Beatle Paul (qv), Lady Mucca, a former "glamour" model, is about to become one of the richest divorcees in history.

Stella McCartney

Sour-faced fashion designer whose creations are so fantastic that her fashion label lost a mere £950,000 last year. Down from £3.2m the year before.

Ralph Fiennes

Good-looking, rich, talented. Works with Hollywood superstars, and romances some of the world's most beautiful women. So why the long face?

Piers Morgan

Former Mirror editor parted company with his dignity when he lost a fight with Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson. Now earns a crust on US TV.

Peaches Geldof

Asked about Bob's daughter, Lily Allen said: "I'd like to kick her over... I would probably, like, stamp on my can of Magners and stab it in her ear."

Chris Moyles

He's fat, he's obnoxious, thinks gay is a term of abuse, likes to burp on air and ask female callers how big their breasts are. What's not to like?

Sienna Miller

One day, Sienna will make a film that isn't completely rubbish. Until then, she'll have to carry on getting famous men to escort her up red carpets.

David Hasselhoff

Came within a nano-second of achieving coolness, scuppered by reports of a mystery wet patch around his groin on a recent plane journey.

Sarah Ferguson

The late Lord Charteris used three words to describe the former Duchess of York: "Vulgar, vulgar, vulgar." Who are we to disagree?

Nicky Campbell

Lost credibility when Chris Patten recommended his Radio One show to John Major. His Five Live phone-in is a soap box for white van men.

Jamie Oliver

We used to love this mockney geezer with his pukka rubs and tasty sizzles but for God's sake let the kids eat turkey twizzlers if they want to.

Naomi Campbell

Maybe we should overlook the ego. Maybe we should overlook her penchant for punching an innocent employee. Or maybe not.

Pete Doherty

Pointless junkie who owes his high profile to court appearances, and an on-off relationship with Kate Moss (qv). Sometimes he's a musician.

Kirsty Wark

Art, politics, architecture, broadcasting - is there any debate over which she has not presided? Nobody likes a know-all, Kirsty.

Tom Cruise

The pint-sized Scientologist showed his true colours when someone squirted a water pistol at him in Leicester Square: he called him a jerk.

Paula Radcliffe

Impromptu toilet break captured by TV cameras during the 2005 London Marathon shattered any veneer of credibility she may have had.

Simon Schama

TV don who fancies himself a little bit too much. Talking slowly and saying everything six times over doesn't make you clever, Simon.

Graham Norton

Nowhere near as funny as he thinks he is. The noisy camp comic has become a tragic parody of his former (mildly amusing) self. So uncool.

Thierry Henry

Lost Arsenal the European Cup. Dived his way to the World Cup final. Paid £100K a week. Enough to make you va-va-vomit.

Victoria Beckham

It takes genius to talk of protecting children from publicity while making Elton John and Liz Hurley (qv) their godparents.

Tony Blair

Forget the politics. No real man should dye his hair, play a guitar (after 50), or employ Carole Caplin as a style consultant.

Des Lynam

In Euro 96, we hung on his every quip; then he left the BBC and lost his edge. Whinged about commuting to Countdown.

Michael Palin

Swanning round the world at licence-payers' expense, he's too damn nice to be cool. Monty Python wasn't that funny either.

Chris Tarrant

His wife hired a private detective to catch his affair with a charity worker who looks just like her. Not cool, Chris.

Alex Ferguson

The only man in British football who is more annoying than Jose Mourinho. Unfortunately, unlike the Chelsea boss, he has the fashion sense of a bus conductor.

Cast your vote now

Do you agree with our choices? Is there somebody you think should be on the list instead? E-mail us and tell us who you would nominate, with a brief explanation why, and we will publish the best entries. Send your suggestions to: uncoollist@independent.co.uk

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