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LOKI IS in hospital for a few days while they run some tests. He did well on intelligence but fears he may flunk the physical. Send no more e-mails please, until he is out, as he won't get them; send letters and postcards, which the paper can forward to wherever he is.

The Creative Thinking World Championship is at Olympia on Sunday 22 August, 10am-2pm (four half-hour rounds at hourly intervals) with William Hartston presiding. Prizes: pounds 300, pounds 150, pounds 50. Not bad for two hours' work. Details from: Mind Sports Olympiad, PO Box 13388, London NW3 5FB. A pounds 75 season ticket for the Olympiad (pounds 30 juniors) enters you in as many (non-clashing) Mind Sports events as you want. Or pounds 13/pounds 5 for just this event. Bruce Birchall says he will be there to defend his title.

Improbable product endorsements: The Venus de Milo - Rolex Watches; Dr Jack Kevorkian - the Grateful Dead; (C. Martinez). Miss Piggy - Pork Scratchings (Martin Hurst). James Joyce - the Campaign for Plain English (Susan Tomes). King Priam - wooden horses made in Greece; Henry Ford - history books (Mike Gifford). The Angel Gabriel - pregnancy-testing kits (Colin O'Hare).

Bob Hoskins - the Trappists; Horatio Nelson - Specsavers (Tim Stone). King Harold - Optrex; King Herod - pre-school playgroups (Eric Dunkley). Alex Ferguson - Lucky Strikes; William Hague - Wash & Go (John Terris). The Teletubbies - Chambers' Dictionary; Icarus - Ambre Solaire; Arnold Schwarzenegger - Wimpy's (Sue Johnson). David Yelland - Quality Street; Lawrence Dallaglio - Diet Coke (Ian Hurdley).

Dame Shirley Porter - Shelter; Mohamed al-Fayed - The Brit Awards; Monsanto - The Mutate Gallery (Peter Thomas). Nero - Stradivarius; Dr Crippen - telegraphy; the Eurovision Song Contest - the Horst Wessel Song (Bruce Birchall). Monica Lewinsky - Siemens (Lauren Tellencoe). Tony Blair - Ken Livingstone for Mayor (Paul Turner). Bruce Kent - BNFL; Pontius Pilate - soap; Mary Chipperfield - the RSPCA (James A. Kelly).

The Queen Mother - ISAs; the Queen - the Budgie books (Andrew Duncan). Pat Robertson - Gay News (Colin Archer). Norah Batty - Pretty Polly stockings (Matthew White). Slobodan Milosevic - the Samaritans (R.J. Pickles). Glenn Hoddle - wheelchairs (Nicholas Gough). Ian Paisley - amplifiers; William Hague - Eurotunnel (John O'Byrne). Rasputin - nose-hair extractors; Mother Teresa - "Oh, Lord, Won't You Buy Me a Mercedes Benz?"; Melinda Messenger - Mercury's winged sandals (Clair Hubble). Medusa and the Gorgons - Harmony Hair Spray; Trotsky - icepicks; Einstein - Sock Shop (Petra Hollis).

Clair Hubble, Sue Johnson and John Terris win Chambers' Dictionary of Quotations. We seek offbeat ideas for keeping the mind active and the spirits cheerful, while stuck in hospital. Suggestions to Creativity, Features, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5DL, by 24 June. Results and three more Chambers' prizes on 29 June. Next week: Why is the meaning of life 42?