Living in the cynical age that we undoubtedly do, it gives me no pleasure to report there have been some unsavoury mutterings following national treasure Carol Vorderman's triumph at yesterday's prestigious Rear of the Year ceremony. The flirty number cruncher came out on top despite repeated reports in the tabloids that this year's gong would be going to their new favourite pin-up, Pippa Middleton. Barely moments after Queen Carol's coronation at the Dorchester hotel, conspiracy theories were beginning to mount in a manner perhaps not seen since that old weasel Sepp Blatter announced "and the winner is... Qatar" at Fifa HQ last December. As "Arse-Gate" quickly began to gather momentum, veteran commentators were daring to suggest that poor Carol had "only been wheeled out because the posh Middleton girl wouldn't be seen dead at an event like this". While unfairly not recognised for my undercover work to date, I briefly set about attempting to get to the truth, only to be halted in my tracks by a sinister caller. "Let it go," growled the mystery voice. "This is big boys' stuff."
* While it would be all too easy now to start making up slightly rubbish stories about Ryan Giggs following his recent fall from grace, The Sun predictably shows no sign of letting its standards slip. "Sex Cheat Giggs Fights to Preserve Follicles" declared yesterday's front-page headline, before readers were informed that the footballer had "paid £30,000 for new baldness treatment – after the stress of cheating with two women made his hair fall out". Some see fit to challenge The Sun's claim, however – season ticket holders at Manchester United point out that Giggs's bald spot has been visible to large sections of the Old Trafford crowd for "over three years". Personally, I'm happy to stick with The Sun's versions of events, rather than accept the more far-fetched explanation that Ryan's just losing his hair "like lots of blokes in their late thirties do".
* Continuing the sporting theme, I see our Prime Minister has taken to indulging in a spot of product placement. When photographed pounding the streets with personal trainer Matt Roberts this week, observers noted that Dave (PM) was proudly clad in spanking new Nike gear. Indeed, even his bright white socks bore the clothing giant's distinctive logo. In the past our leader has been careful to avoid being seen to endorse leading sports brands. Still, with Nike's former favourite Tiger Woods no longer the marketing dream of old, who could blame Dave if he was sensing a commercial opportunity?
* News that the nation's favourite philanderer Boris Johnson has taken part in a dramatic police raid in Tottenham conjures up plenty of predictably entertaining mental images. We're informed that London's mayor was on hand to witness officers smash through a barricaded front door before they wrestled a 48-year-old suspected drug dealer known as "Rambo" on to a sofa. Boris, who I'm reliably informed had been watching re-runs of The Sweeney on ITV4 in preparation, stood behind the boys in blue as the long arm of the law was well and truly felt. On spotting his surprise VIP guest, an understandably flustered Mr Rambo reportedly cried out: "What the fuck are you doing here?"
* Hot on the heels of the announcement this week that long-serving Tory MP James Arbuthnot is to stand down at the next general election, Conservative HQ has been keen to throw more names discreetly into the mix. Party officials helpfully whisper that fellow Westminster veterans Bill Cash, Alan Haselhurst and Roger Gale are all expected to announce they're calling it a day in the "not too distant future" with the promise of seats in the House of Lords. Whether anyone has bothered to tell the said trio about this yet appears rather less clear.
* Queen guitarist Brian May doesn't forget an insult in a hurry. Take those idiots over at Time Out magazine who once had the temerity to suggest his West End musical We Will Rock You wasn't much cop. "They printed in the listings: We Will Rock You – don't give them your money," an emotional Brian recalls. "I think it's a suable offence, and it's something so mean and bad-spirited that I can't believe Time Out could have indulged in that. It was quite despicable. It's hard to forgive Time Out.." Currently promoting his Anthems tour, May was speaking to, er... Time Out.