Diary: M&S's model pairing

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Given its reputation for catering to the middle-class British woman (or man) of a certain age and realistic build, it now seems inevitable that Marks and Spencer would add to their roster of unfeasibly attractive spokespeople – Twiggy, Lisa Snowdon, Dannii Minogue, Myleene Klass and so on – with models to whom the common-or-garden customer could more easily relate. Hence, presumably, the new ad campaign for the store's autumn clothing collection, featuring Ryan Reynolds and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. I'd like to apologise for using such an unglamorous pair as this column's picture story today, but I'm afraid I really was scraping the barrel.

* Those who saw the photographs of a presumably well-oiled Prince Harry plunging, fully clothed, into the pool at a Croatian nightclub this weekend could be forgiven for thinking the beloved playboy prince was back to his old ways. "He kept going up to tables of girls and standing there, trying to talk with them," claimed one excited onlooker. "When the girls realised [who he was], they started dancing and flirting with him. He was kissing lots of them, not on the lips though. He is a serious party boy and just wanted to go wild." That's our Harry, I hear you say. But I'm afraid I must disappoint fans of the fun-loving young royal, because the latest edition of Majesty magazine tells quite a different story. "It is his desire to improve the world that genuinely motivates Prince Harry," writes Ingrid Seward, editor of the royal-based monthly. "He has an uncannily well-developed philanthropic character... he wants to make a difference." Boooooring!

* Though the clock ticks ever closer to the return of Parliament, and the worlds of media and celebrity will soon return from foreign climes – or Edinburgh – to fill these lines again, the last of the summer's supply of tumbleweed still clogs the corner of Independent Towers known locally as "The Armpit", where this column's staff of one resides. And so, before we get back to more auspicious matters, I'm afraid I'm forced to bring you news of Richard "Smash It" Keys and Andy Gray, alleged sexists and purveyors of football-based banter. Keys, as this column recently revealed (on yet another slow news day), rescued a pair of fellow sailors from their stricken vessel while boating off Mallorca earlier this month – and it now seems as if he and Gray could be the saviours of TalkSport radio, too, after attracting more than 100,000 extra listeners to the slot previously occupied by the insufficiently banterous "Saggers and Graham". Might this success herald a triumphant return to the screen? Do me a favour, love.

* Cheryl Cole, unemployed reality TV judge and occasional pop star, has rewarded the loyalty of her fans by composing and publishing her very first tweet to her 205,000+ followers: "It's me CC! WHERE MY SOLDIERS AT.......?!!! I can't believe what my fingers are doing but yes I'm tweeting :-s so here goes...X". Seasoned celebrity observers may note that she appears to name her fans "Soldiers", perhaps in the hope of emulating Lady Gaga's "Little Monsters", Katy Perry's "Katy Cats" and Justin Bieber's "Beliebers".

Ms Cole may no longer be one of those select few to have accrued a mass following without ever issuing any tweets (Beyonce: approximately 1.6m followers, zero tweets), but she maintains her perfect "ego quotient". Just like Eminem, Kanye West and the Dalai Lama, Cole has a mass following yet, at the time of writing, follows not a soul.

* Apropos of minor celebrity Gooner Piers Morgan's extravagant demands for the head of Arsène Wenger, a helpful reader directs me to a Morgan volte-face from 2008, when the ex-Mirror man claimed in his Mail on Sunday column that it was "time Arsène Wenger and Arsenal parted company". The next week, he recanted, presumably concerned it might damage his relationship with the manager: "I looked at my mantelpiece and saw Wenger smiling back at me, in a photo of the pair of us together at an awards ceremony. I turned my eyes away, too ashamed to catch his warm, trusting gaze... I felt ashamed by my behaviour, appalled by my lack of judgment, and guilty, so terribly, horrifically guilty." So let's just give Piers a few days to calm down, shall we? They're playing Swansea next; they might even win.