Diary: May's xxx-rated problem
Friday 09 September 2011
This week the internet's new .xxx domain, an "online red light district" to be reserved for content of an adult nature, began registering websites ahead of its launch in December. Celebrities and politicians, from Jolie to Thatcher, have had their names blocked, to prevent porn companies establishing embarrassing URLs such as, say, GideonOsborne.xxx. This, however, could cause a problem for one particular high-ranking cabinet member: Home Secretary Theresa May. As this newspaper's respectable readership will no doubt be unaware, Ms May has a near-namesake, Teresa (sic) May, a glamour model who has appeared not only in the tabloids, but also in such men's magazines as Hustler, Men Only and Razzle. Her screen work includes On Location Portugal (2000), to which internet porn critic Sleazegrinder gives a middling review: "Five fat girls with big tits go to sunny Portugal and frolic on the beach for an hour. You get 'em pouring orange juice on themselves, oiling up, rubbing lotion into their tits, sunning themselves by the pool, and shopping... If you are into watching five fat girls do almost nothing, then this is for you."
* Now that the three major parties have picked their candidates for the London mayoral election, it's left to the tiddlers to name their representatives for 2012. And yesterday the BNP contender threw his hat into the ring. "So much for xenophobic!" read the party's cleverly counter-intuitive announcement. "British National party chooses Italian for London Mayor." The Italian in question is BNP press officer Carlos Cortiglia, who, just to compound his cosmopolitan credentials, is Uruguayan by birth.
* As promised, this column today brings you the abridged version of Katie Price's "special secret recipe for my famous Sunday roast", as featured in her new Katie Price-based magazine, Katie, on sale now for £3.99. Preheat the oven to 200 degrees, she says, "wash a leg of lamb to get the blood and stuff off then stick it in a roasting tin [and] make loads of holes in the lamb with a sharp knife." "Stick" garlic slivers in the holes; "slosh" red wine over the lamb, "squirt" runny honey all over the meat, and "sprinkle" chopped rosemary on top. Cover with foil, cook for 40 minutes; remove foil, cook for a further 40 minutes. All in all, a fine, budget-friendly roast – although rather let down, I'm afraid, by Ms Price's advice on the accoutrements: "Yorkshire puddings: Buy Aunt Bessie's – they take five minutes to heat up... Cauliflower cheese: I buy it ready-made but stick it in a dish then put it in the oven to warm through."
* Arsenal fans unhappy with their club's reluctance to splash any cash will be glad to know that their season ticket fees have been put to some good use. Following a disappointing start to the season, the club has won a famous victory – the Spanish Patent and Trademark Office is ordering Seville-based milliner Alicia Simon to change the name of her small independent hat-shop, Arsenale. Arsenal FC claimed its trademark had been infringed and took the case to court. Ms Simon says she knows nothing about football, and is planning to appeal the decision at a Madrid tribunal. She should try Barcelona instead; Arsenal never win there.
* So Wednesday evening's Downing Street fundraising quiz on behalf of Larry the Number 10 cat proved a resounding success, raising sufficient cash to keep him in Whiskas for a year, plus an extra £300 for his former abode, Battersea Cats Home. One team won a special prize for correctly guessing the increased weight of the portly animal (a weight gain not, I fear, achieved by eating any pesky rodents.)
Meanwhile, London's oldest fancy dress retailer, Angels of Shaftesbury Avenue, has offered to donate a portion of any profits from the hire of its cat costumes to Larry's upkeep, should the ineffectual rat-catcher remain in his post by this time next year. A matching costume, based on Larry's girlfriend Maisy, is said to be in the works.
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