Diary: The gospels according to Eady: a privacy judge with limitless ambition

Kill that fatted calf, the prodigal judge is returned. After months of quietude since his power to assign cases was removed, Sir David Eady is back in the spotlight ... and this time, with last week's contra mundum injunction, it's global and eternal. Indeed, there seem no limits to his ambitions in the area of privacy, and he is known to have rewritten the gospels from start to finish, with the Eady J Bible scheduled to replace the King James and others this time next year.

Following his landmark judgment in TRTR vs Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, we may do nothing to identify the plaintiff in the following passage, who seeks damages estimated at between 27 and 30 silver coins.

"Then entered Satan into the heart of _____," reads the Eady-amended Luke, chapter 22. "And _____ went his way, and communed with the chief priests and captains, how he might betray ___ unto them. And they were glad."

Satan, while denying any cardiac incursion, has declined to take legal action, but other affronted scriptural parties will have their names redacted. Sir David is also expected to grant a posthumous super to a woman named in court documents only as MM, who wishes to prevent the prose stylist Dan Brown repeating unfounded claims that she bore _____ a child.

* Labour sources may claim that Ed Miliband is in danger of dying from sleep apnoea, but would it risk killing him to say thanks? Only last month, I offered this advice concerning the bunged-up vocal delivery. "For God's sake man, get some surgery for that deviated septum. I can vouch personally for the submucosal resection." To silence those who believe that apnoea (a most unusual condition in the non-overweight) is a fiction, and that the sole surgical intent is to make him sound less like "Ticket to Doddingham" cold-sufferer Malcolm in the old Tunes advert, the specialist sleep clinic at which Ed was tested will wish to confirm the diagnosis forthwith.



* This mistrust of our leaders is absurd, with similar cynicism afflicting Nick Clegg's savage attack on David Cameron for allowing the AV debate to ignite his pants. By absolutely no means did the two men agree every word of Nick's Independent on Sunday interview in advance with imminent elections in mind. It is every bit as convincingly spontaneous a scrap, indeed, as any between Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy in professional wrestling's ITV glory days ... Not to mention all those vicious X Factor bitchfests between Simon Cowell and Cheryl Cole.



* With his anchoring of Radio 4's royal wedding coverage close at hand, I am saddened to find Jim Naughtie beating himself up in an entertaining Daily Mail questionnaire called The Definite Article. Asked which temptation he wishes he could resist, Jim says: "Talking too much ... wouldn't it be nice if just for once someone said to me 'Wow - that was quick'." A classic case of premature self-flagellation. Jim forgets the laurels he collected in December for one short Spooneristic syllable. Touch wood he keeps it clean on Friday.



* Nothing in his long BBC career credited newly departed deputy D-G Mark Byford like the manner of his going. At one leaving bash, Mark lit a candle and handed it to Helen Boaden, Director of News, saying: "I am passing to you the flame of BBC journalism." A lavish talent, already much missed.



* The best of luck to Sun executive editor Fergus Shanahan on his Garrick Club application. Members tempted to do a Paxo and blackball him on tone-lowering grounds should know this: Fergus is a tremendous expert on the operas of Handel.



* For Easter Monday worshippers, we endeth the lesson with a reading (from Pseudo-Apocrypha excised from the Eady J Bible after an ex parte application from the working girl concerned). "And Jesus did say unto the crowd, 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone'. And lo, there came a rock, which did strike the prostitute on the head. And Jesus was made angry, and did turn around, saying: 'I'll tell you what, mother, sometimes you don't half piss me off'."

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
PROMOTED VIDEO
ebooks
ebooksA year of political gossip, levity and intrigue from the sharpest pen in Westminster
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs People

Recruitment Genius: HR Manager

£25000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They are in need of a HR Manage...

h2 Recruit Ltd: Business Development Manager - HR Consultancy - £65,000 OTE

£35000 - £40000 per annum + £65,000 OTE: h2 Recruit Ltd: London, Birmingham, M...

Day In a Page

A Christmas without hope: Fears grow in Gaza that the conflict with Israel will soon reignite

Christmas without hope

Gaza fears grow that conflict with Israel will soon reignite
After 150 years, you can finally visit the grisliest museum in the country

The 'Black Museum'

After 150 years, you can finally visit Britain's grisliest museum
No ho-ho-hos with Nick Frost's badass Santa

No ho-ho-hos with Nick Frost's badass Santa

Doctor Who Christmas Special TV review
Chilly Christmas: Swimmers take festive dip for charity

Chilly Christmas

Swimmers dive into freezing British waters for charity
Veterans' hostel 'overwhelmed by kindness' for festive dinner

Homeless Veterans appeal

In 2010, Sgt Gary Jamieson stepped on an IED in Afghanistan and lost his legs and an arm. He reveals what, and who, helped him to make a remarkable recovery
Isis in Iraq: Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment by militants

'Jilan killed herself in the bathroom. She cut her wrists and hanged herself'

Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment
Ed Balls interview: 'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'

Ed Balls interview

'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'
He's behind you, dude!

US stars in UK panto

From David Hasselhoff to Jerry Hall
Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz: What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?

Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz

What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?
Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

Planet’s surface is inhospitable to humans but 30 miles above it is almost perfect
Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history - clocks, rifles, frogmen’s uniforms and colonial helmets

Clocks, rifles, swords, frogmen’s uniforms

Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history
Return to Gaza: Four months on, the wounds left by Israel's bombardment have not yet healed

Four months after the bombardment, Gaza’s wounds are yet to heal

Kim Sengupta is reunited with a man whose plight mirrors the suffering of the Palestinian people
Gastric surgery: Is it really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Is gastric surgery really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Critics argue that it’s crazy to operate on healthy people just to stop them eating
Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction Part 2 - now LIVE

Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction

Bid on original art, or trips of a lifetime to Africa or the 'Corrie' set, and help Homeless Veterans
Pantomime rings the changes to welcome autistic theatre-goers

Autism-friendly theatre

Pantomime leads the pack in quest to welcome all