Genius moments: August 2008

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The Independent Online

For shure, that'sh Shteve McClaren, no?

One of this year's classic YouTube clips: former England coach Steve McClaren attempts to speak his own form of "Dutch" during a local, Dutch TV interview ahead of the Champions League draw in which his new club, FC Twente, were to play. "Liverpool or Arshenal, I thought maybe one of them we would draw, and it is Arshenal, I think," he is believed to be saying. "I shay I think we are not just – what you call? – underdogsh, but masheev underdogsh. There is no expectashun."

Lloyds called to account

When a disgruntled Lloyds TSB customer changed his password to "Lloyds is pants", a bank employee responded by altering it to "no we are not". The customer, Steve Jetley, was unhappy when the bank refused his proposed alternative – "Barclays is better" – and was not allowed to use his next suggestion, "censorship", as it had too many letters. He eventually compromised with "faeces", but was again refused. After this edifying exchange of views, the bank did the decent thing and apologised for tampering with Mr Jetley's password.

Two sugars, no cocaine, please

Michael Fabricant, the member for Lichfield, was trekking in the Santa Marta region of northern Colombia when he and his travelling companion were approached by heavily armed soldiers on the hunt for drug smugglers; they rifled through Fabricant's backpack and came across a suspicious-looking white powder. "I was saying 'Coffee-Mate' over and over and they were holding the jar up and shouting 'Cocaine, cocaine'," said the politician. "It was extremely frightening." Fabricant was then forced to swallow several spoonfuls of the milk-substitute before his captors were satisfied and sent him on his way.

There's a sasquatch in my freezer

Taking photographs of footprints or posting grainy videos of supposed sightings on the internet is one thing, but American hunters Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer claimed actually to have captured Bigfoot and stuffed the hitherto legendary ape-like beast into their chest freezer. The men from Georgia said they had found the 7ft 7in, 226kg corpse of the creature while trekking in woods in June. But when researchers got their hands on the find and thawed it, it turned out to be a rubber suit. Whitton and Dyer went AWOL, but not before updating the voicemail recording for their Bigfoot Tip Line, which announced they were also looking for "big cats and dinosaurs".

McCain brings the house down

When a journalist asked John McCain how many houses he owned, the Republican presidential candidate hesitated. "I think – I'll have my staff get back to you," he responded on the campaign trail in New Mexico. "It's condominiums where – I'll have them get to you." The Obama campaign, which had tried to caricature McCain as out of touch due to his and his wife's vast wealth, couldn't believe their luck. They responded with an ad called "Seven", claiming that was the number of houses McCain owned. The ad closed with an image of the White House, with the voiceover intoning: "Here's ONE house America can't afford to let John McCain move into."

Diddy joins the Jetless Set

Poor P Diddy. This year soaring fuel prices forced the hip-hopper to abandon his private jet and make do with first-class airliner travel. "Gas prices are too high," he wrote on his blog. "As you know, I do own my own jet. But I've been having to fly back and forth to LA pursuing my acting career. Now, if I'm flying, like, twice in a month, that's a $200,000 or $250,000 round trip... So I'm back on American Airlines right now." The singer added a "shout out to all my Saudi Arabian brothers and sisters and all my brothers and sisters from all the countries that have oil: if you could all please send me some oil for my jet, I would truly appreciate it."