Hit & Run: One hell of a sexy pitch

The family gathers on the sofa for a spot of Christmas telly. After a while, it's the advert break. The first commercial shows a nymph in couture running for what appears to be the Orient Express. Without warning she's in bed, scantily-clad, extending her delicate arms above her head in agony (or is it ecstasy?). The next moment she's having her neck nibbled by a handsome chap on the concourse of a grand station. She loves it. She communicates this in the only way she knows how: shooting an ennui-laden gaze into the sky. Meanwhile, Auntie Mabel is agog. She would have reason to ask: "What happened to the Susan Boyle Christmas Special?"

It's the kind of advert that makes Chanel No. 5 the world's best-selling perfume. Using Audrey Tautou and model Travis Davenport's high-class hotness, director Jean-Pierre Jeunet emphasises the scent's three core brand values: luxury, timelessness, and crucially, sex. At this time of year, the saucy denizens of the perfume advert are stripping off, spraying themselves from top to toe, and getting filthy (in sexy, saturated colour or in boudoir black and white). The reasoning is thus: blokes like naked girls, and are often useless at figuring out what to buy their girlfriends for Christmas.

Chanel certainly isn't the only offender. At this time of year, we've also got Jean-Paul Gaultier's crack squad of bustier-clad Venuses (Classique) and Kate Moss rubbing her naked flesh with white roses (YSL) to contend with. Prada's L'Eau Ambree employs the subtle imagery of beehived supermodels spraying each others' chests with scent while giggling mischievously.

But despite ratcheting up the raunchiness with this year's raft of adverts, the perfume business isn't behind the sauciest commercial on the box at the moment. Instead, D&G Time, purveyor of wristwatches rather than rose water, is the smut-peddler in question, with its offering called Ménage a Trois. Picture the scene. An aristocratic young blonde catches the eye of a handsome young buck. They start canoodling. Then another youthful cove spots the pair and decides to join in. The trio move to a sofa where they all have a good writhe before mademoiselle's shocked mother bursts in on them (wearing a rather fetching timepiece). Phew! Chanel, eat your heart out. Auntie Mabel, go and have a cold shower. Rob Sharp

So what exactly does granny need to teach him?

When Prince William heads to New Zealand next month, he's going to be on a steep learning curve. And granny will be keeping a close eye on his movement as he meets'n'greets the Kiwi masses, because, according to PDubz's private secretary Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton, "it is an instance of Her Majesty seeing an opportunity for her grandsons to learn the ropes".

Come on Liz, how hard can it be? All he has to do is smile, shake hands nicely, don't try to be funny (leave that to your grandad) and eat whatever local delicacies are put in front of you without grimacing. There might be a gentle bit of flower accepting, a few ribbons to snip and some dignitaries to make light conversation with. Oh, and there'll probably be hospitals to visit, schools to survey, museums to inspect, speeches to attend... On second thoughts, it looks likely that William is going to have a rigorous schedule, all under the Queen's watchful eye. And given that she has visited New Zealand 10 times in her professional capacity, William better get used to the idea that, sooner or later, he's going to be doing it all again. Rebecca Armstrong

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
PROMOTED VIDEO
ebooks
ebooksA special investigation by Andy McSmith
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs People

Recruitment Genius: Bookkeeper

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: One of the world's leading suppliers and manuf...

Recruitment Genius: Multiple Apprentices Required

£6240 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Apprentices are required to join a privat...

Sauce Recruitment: HR Manager

£40000 per annum: Sauce Recruitment: This is an exciting opportunity for a HR...

Ashdown Group: Interim HR Manager - 3 Month FTC - Henley-on-Thames

£35000 - £40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A well-established organisation oper...

Day In a Page

Isis hostage crisis: The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power

Isis hostage crisis

The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power, says Robert Fisk
Missing salvage expert who found $50m of sunken treasure before disappearing, tracked down at last

The runaway buccaneers and the ship full of gold

Salvage expert Tommy Thompson found sunken treasure worth millions. Then he vanished... until now
Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Maverick artist Grayson Perry backs our campaign
Assisted Dying Bill: I want to be able to decide about my own death - I want to have control of my life

Assisted Dying Bill: 'I want control of my life'

This week the Assisted Dying Bill is debated in the Lords. Virginia Ironside, who has already made plans for her own self-deliverance, argues that it's time we allowed people a humane, compassionate death
Move over, kale - cabbage is the new rising star

Cabbage is king again

Sophie Morris banishes thoughts of soggy school dinners and turns over a new leaf
11 best winter skin treats

Give your moisturiser a helping hand: 11 best winter skin treats

Get an extra boost of nourishment from one of these hard-working products
Paul Scholes column: The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him

Paul Scholes column

The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him
Frank Warren column: No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans

Frank Warren's Ringside

No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans
Isis hostage crisis: Militant group stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

Isis stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

The jihadis are being squeezed militarily and economically, but there is no sign of an implosion, says Patrick Cockburn
Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action

Virtual reality: Seeing is believing

Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action
Homeless Veterans appeal: MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’

Homeless Veterans appeal

MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’ to help
Larry David, Steve Coogan and other comedians share stories of depression in new documentary

Comedians share stories of depression

The director of the new documentary, Kevin Pollak, tells Jessica Barrett how he got them to talk
Has The Archers lost the plot with it's spicy storylines?

Has The Archers lost the plot?

A growing number of listeners are voicing their discontent over the rural soap's spicy storylines; so loudly that even the BBC's director-general seems worried, says Simon Kelner
English Heritage adds 14 post-war office buildings to its protected lists

14 office buildings added to protected lists

Christopher Beanland explores the underrated appeal of these palaces of pen-pushing
Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Scientists unearthed the cranial fragments from Manot Cave in West Galilee