That greatest of Christmas traditions – kissing – is under threat as Britain's leading authority on etiquette fears sloppy smackers under the mistletoe could lead to a festive outbreak of swine flu. Far better to clash cheeks than lips, says Debrett's, but even a chaste handshake is risky. So as the party season approaches, how is an amorous uncle or Kenneth from accounts supposed to navigate this greetings minefield without being blown into a snotty swine flu lockdown?
The air kiss
If you must indulge in a tête-à-tête, keep your mouth closed and those lips well away from the danger zone. Make cheek contact at your peril, or, to keep risks of contamination to a minimum, experiment with the "air kiss" favoured by luvvies. Synchronised "Mwahing" is optional but be wary of spittle emissions. Finally, establish a one-cheek-or-two rule before you go in and commit the ultimate and potentially flu-inducing faux-pas – the mid-kiss mouth crash.
Flu factor: ****
The hug
What could be more affectionate than a cockle-warming embrace? A well-executed hug also all but eliminates the risks of germ exchange. But there are pitfalls. Men should employ a firm handshake (see below) as a barrier to minimise awkward body-bashing. Consider a concurrent backslap, employing a brief circular rub for close friends or family. Use an A-frame hug if a bosom enters the fray, increasing the angle according to size while keeping quantity surveys discreet.
Flu factor: *
The handshake
A mutual grasp can be businesslike but allows participants to keep a safe distance. But, be warned – hands can be hotbeds of pestilence so clean them regularly. Otherwise the usual rules apply: firm but not bone-crushing for men; softer but not patronisingly limp for women. Those wishing to add warmth and sincerity to the exchange can do a Clinton and use the other hand to break out a presidential elbow grab.
Flu factor: ***
The fist bump
The Obamas may have holstered their fists since their unorthodox knuckle summit triggered fevered commentary last year but for the hygiene-conscious, the gesture can serve as an alternative to the handshake. Ideal for those with sweaty hands, the fist also shuts away germs and is therefore safer than a high-five. Popularised by black urban communities, the fist bump should, however, be used sparingly if at all by white men – especially those of a certain age.
Flu factor: **
The Wave
Paranoid season's greeters may not be content to engage in any form of bodily contact, in which case a wave may be employed. Such an impersonal exchange should be used only as a last resort and in conjunction with every effort to convey affection. A rapid shake can signify enthusiasm but should stop short of jazz-hands territory while men should maintain a certain rigidity in the wrist. Always smile.
Flu factor: *
Simon Usborne
Who Will they think of next?
Depending on which theory you favour, Shakespeare's plays were written by Christopher Marlowe, Francis Bacon, Queen Elizabeth I, Thomas Middleton, the Countess of Pembroke, John Fletcher and the Earl of Derby. For centuries scholars have argued that a grammar-school nobody, a strolling player from Stratford, couldn't have the knowledge of foreign lands and court protocol that's displayed in Hamlet and The Tempest. Now a German scholar, Kurt Kreiler, maintains, in The Man Who Invented Shakespeare, that the Bard's complete works were written by Edward de Vere, the Earl of Oxford.
De Vere was posh, Cambridge-educated, well-travelled and well-connected, and he wrote poetry in a style spookily similar to Will's. Also de Vere's father-in-law, Lord Burghley, seems to have been the original of Polonius, the sermonising dotard in Hamlet. And de Vere was known as "Spear-shaker" because his coat of arms featured a lion with a spear.
Kreiler may convince some gullible Germans that the reliably second-rate de Vere could have written Antony and Cleopatra and The Winter's Tale without wanting to tell the world he'd done so. But it's an old chestnut. Parallels between Shakespeare and De Vere were inspected as long ago as the 1930s, while a De Vere Society flourishes today. It's hard, though, to get past one fact: De Vere died in 1604. Shakespeare wrote several more plays after 1604 and before his death in 1616. How would de Vere have known about the 1605 Gunpowder Plot, to which there's a clear allusion in Macbeth? John Walsh
Geezer cuisine leaves a bad taste in the mouth
Jamie Oliver has a lot to answer for. Sure, his recipes work and school children are less portly because of his efforts, but his geezer cuisine – all easy tigers and pukka tucker – is a blight on cookery shows. His programmes are repeated endlessly and now a new likely lad, Aaron Craze, has picked up the bish- bash-bosh baton with Rude Boy Food, on weeknights at 9pm on the Good Food channel. With his pork pie hat and cheeky chappy tattoos poking out of his Fred Perry shirt, Craze looks like Blake Fielder-Civil's long-lost brother. From the "Rude Boy Ruby" (curry) made for his mates playing five-a-side football to the "wicked" sushi whipped up for a parkour contest, from the hip kitchen in west London's Trellick Tower to the way he bangs on about breaking rules, Craze is a bargain-basement version of Jamie. And guess what – our Rude Boy is one of the Naked Chef's protégés from his Fifteen initiative. Once, geezer cuisine was a fresh idea. Now, me old chinas, it's as stale as a week-old ciabatta. Rebecca Armstrong
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