Hit & Run: Miss Georgia on my mind

On Saturday, the 58th Miss World Contest will be held in Johannesburg, at the Sandton Convention Centre. A minxy bottle-blonde called Laura Coleman, 22, from Leicester, will represent England against 110 glamorous rivals, from the teenage Egla Harxhi (Miss Albania) to the veteran 25-year-old Cynthia Muvirimi (Miss Zimbabwe, whose ambitions are thought to be World Travel – as soon as possible.)

This year's swimwear-and-sashes ogle-fest was originally scheduled for Kiev in the Ukraine, but because of the stand-off between Russia and Georgia over south Ossetia, the organisers deemed it prudent to move the pageant somewhere less contentious. They decided on South Africa. Which just serves to remind us that this 57-year-old contest has an unrivalled history of controversy.

First the scandals were moral. In the early 1950s, Catholic Ireland and Spain refused to take part if the girls paraded in "immodest" bikinis. In 1960, Miss Argentina faced disqualification when it emerged that she "often drank alcohol." Britain's shy violet Lesley Langley, crowned Miss World in 1965, was found to have done nude modelling. America's Marjorie Wallace, Miss World in 1973, was stripped of the title after going out with too many British sex bombs, including Tom Jones and George Best.

Then it was sexual politics. The feminist movement targeted the prize, crowned a sheep as "Miss America," held spoof cattle markets, and infiltrated the pageant in 1970, bombarding the stage with flour and smoke bombs.

Then it was global politics. In the 1990s, when the contest was held in the developing world, its irruption of Western glamour drew anti-globalisation protests. The pageant in Bangalore in 1996 was seen as an affront to Indian ways. Demonstrations and sit-ins followed, effigies were burnt in the street, there were threats of public mass suicide, one protestor torched himself in the street. When Nigeria hosted the gig in 2002, worldwide voices called for a boycott because of the country's embrace of sharia law, and their sentencing of a Muslim woman, Amina Lawal, to death by stoning, for having a child out of wedlock. Christian-Muslim tensions erupted, with riots in Kaduna and Abuja which left 215 dead and 1,100 people in hospital. The organisers fled to London at dead of night, and held the contest there: Miss Turkey won.

Where will trouble erupt this year? Probably among the supporters of two contestants: Khatuna Skhirtladze, the painfully skinny and waiflike Miss Georgia, and Ksenia Sukhinova, the dazzlingly pretty oligarch-fodder, Miss Russia. Khatuna is 18, studying law, keen on sport and her family. "My dream," she says, "is to be successful woman in general." Ksenia is 21, studies at Tumin University of Oil and Gas ("This university has a reputation of offering quality education,") and enjoys swimming and ballroom dancing. She is "a many accomplishments person." Both girls ask politely for your vote on Missworld.com.

This is the first year the public can influence the judging: on-line votes will determine who is Miss People's Choice, catapulting a favourite through the first round. Despite Ksenia's obvious appeal, I think we might seize the opportunity to vote for Khatuna, just to annoy Vladimir Putin. With any luck we may have a John Sergeant-style debacle on our hands. This year, the watching audience could be the trouble.

Trashing boar wars

What's the biggest drawback to living next to a celebrity? Prowling paparazzi? Sir Paul McCartney's neighbours claim they have something far more disruptive on their doorsteps – a sounder of wild boar overrunning Macca's Peasmarsh estate causing damage to local trees and gardens. But the animal-loving Beatle refuses to cull them. Maybe Sir Paul should follow Brangelina's example. Brad and Angie have bowed to pressure to allow locals to hunt them. They've made new friends and guaranteed a regular supply of boar bangers, too. Rebecca Armstrong

Beat the chill (without looking mad as a hatter)

It may be freezing but James Blunt appears to have gone into sartorial meltdown. Snapped leaving the Ivy restaurant, he sported a knitted monkey hat, complete with button eyes, scarlet smile, ear flaps and tasselled Mohican. Notoriously king of the swingers, Blunt (pictured) has now proved himself a bit of chimp in the style stakes.

Choosing winter headgear is a minefield. You'd be a mug to go bare-bonce, but negotiating the dangers of helmet hair and slaphead is perilous.

In fact, I have to sympathise with the posh popster – my own hat came under fire last night. Two chic French women on the tube pointed at my furry trapper hat, and said jauntily, "Zut alors, imagine wearing that. Does she know what it looks like?" In their defence, they were not to know that I understood every word.

To avoid a similar faux pas, perhaps we can all learn from these easy wintertime titfer tips: those longer of face should avoid round bobble hats – a longer style with ear flaps will flatter, but steer clear of monkey detailing. If you're blessed with a heart-shaped sort of phizog, then pick a low slung beanie. The Geldof girls do a nice line in floppy berets. Deerstalkers, although widely available, suit no one, not even if you smoke a pipe and solve mysteries.

Finding a flattering hat is like finding a soulmate who is beautiful, intelligent and well-monied: they just don't come around that often, so when you find "the one", make sure you don't leave it in the pub or drop it on an escalator. Harriet Walker

Are you Code 35 or just a bit 404?

Text-speak is becoming more obscure. A new study claims people use "404" to mean "clueless" – 404 being the error message received when a browser can't find a webpage. "Code 35" apparently translates as "penniless", from warning a London Underground Oyster reader displays when a travelcard is out of credit. To make matters worse, elaborate shortcuts have also evolved, such as using the number of letters in each word to denote a phrase: tenderly texting "143" means "I love you". The neurotic recipients among us might interpret this as merely "I like you" or even "I hate you". Be careful what you text. Larry Ryan