Huw Edwards Buckingham Palace has announced that Prince Harry is to marry Ms Cheryl Cole of Newcastle, the singer, talent judge and professional weeper. We've been granted a brief interview with the happy couple. Ms Cole, when were you first aware you had roused the prince's passion?
Cheryl It woz a cuppla year ago, pet, when Ah red ow Prinzarry'd telt sum gadgee how 'e, leike, tertally respected me, an' admiyad the puritee shaynin' in me ayze.
HE Your Royal Highness?
Harry Yah, absolutely. I rarely fancied her from the word go. I told that McElderry guy from The X Factor that I hoped to have it off with her as soon as poss. Bloody nice chap actually.
HE Could you be more specific about what appealed to you?
Harry I think it was the tats. She's got this rarely brilliant barbed wire tattoo on her arse. Reminds me of Digby, this chap at school...
Cheryl (tearfully) Is that the ernlee thing ye can seeay aboot us? Whorraboot mi voyz? Mi stunnin' bewty? Mi fablas knockaz?
Harry Yers. A rarely lovely girl, as I say. And seriously, goes like a rattlesnake in a tumble-dryer.
HE So, obvious princess material?
Cheryl Ah'm a natrull, like. Gannin' ter forrin' pawts, askin' trabesmen if they've cum fawr, crackin' bottlesa Bolly on urcean-gannin' linaz, representin' Wor Maj. How hord can it be, like?
Harry Yers. Of course, there may be elocution issues. We may have to call in an expert.
Cheryl Ah would herp ser. Sumtimes, 'Arry, Ah kin hordly understanna word yiz seeeay...