He's just not that into you. A short guide

As a new film offers to explain the mysteries of the dating male, we present our own simple rules for reading the signs when he gives you the heave-ho

The film of the book of the throwaway line from Sex and the City will be out this week, just before Valentine's Day and so in good time to break the bad news to perplexed romantics everywhere. He's Just Not That Into You stars Scarlett Johansson, Drew Barrymore, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Aniston, and aims to explain to women, in words that they can understand, why that man didn't call/ send a Valentine's card/ leave his wife/ stop talking about his ex, ever. It's because he's just not that into you. And if he does any of the following things, he's not that into you, either.

He's just not that into you, Chelsy, when he commits to 21 months of Army Air Corps helicopter training anywhere in the world but where you are. You gave it your best shot, but when a man would rather hang out with his "little Paki friends" it's not time to get measured for the tiara.

He's just not that into you, Madonna, when he is so committed to spending all his evenings at the pub that he actually buys the place. You can work out at the gym as much as you like, but it's no way to keep a man. In fact, sometimes it's the problem.

He's not that into you, Jo, when he dumps you for a 20-year-old Russian and then sacks your son to "get some distance from his family". In the case of Ronnie Wood and the lovely Ekaterina, it's less about poor him and his disease of alcoholism and more that he just couldn't give a stuff.

He's just not that into you, Diana Vickers, when he dumps you from The X Factor, gets jealous when Gary Barlow starts sniffing around, but refuses to sign you to his label. He's also not that into you, Dannii, if he tells all his friends he's going to sack you as soon as he finds a new woman. Actually, Simon Cowell may only be into himself.

He's not that into you, Jennifer, if he dumps you by text and tells everyone you're "one of the loveliest people" he ever met. (Ah Jen, don't you know it's always the lovely ones that get the elbow?) John Mayer briefly saw reason, reunited with Aniston and then chucked her again. And who said younger men were flighty?

He's definitely not that into you if he dates you and doesn't call. But if you're Lily Allen you can put him in a song: "There's just one thing that's getting in the way/ When we go up to bed you're just no good/ It's such a shame/ I look into your eyes, I want to get to know you/ And then you make this noise and it's apparent it's all over."

He's not really that into you, or your leggy friend, if he takes you home and expects any of your mates to come too. We suspect that Russell Brand keeps some of his pants longer than his vows of chastity, but who knows, maybe the mystery blondes he took home last week are The One. Or the Two.

He's not very into you if he tells everybody that you are "flawed in many ways" and uses words like "a lot wrong with it" in public. Matthew Parris, chair of the Costa Prize judges, grudgingly awarded Sebastian Barry's The Secret Scripture the prize, but that doesn't mean he's into him.

He's totally not into you, as if you hadn't noticed, if he demotes you from your role as shadow Chancellor and tells everyone about his new man: "I get enormous strength from having William." But then, if you will go off flirting with Russian billionaires, what can you expect, George Osborne?

Lest we assume that men have a monopoly on emotional reticence, a salutary lesson for John Cleese, 69. The Python legend recently finished with Barbie Orr after she told people: "I kept picturing him naked, wondering what someone that old looks like, and would I actually sleep with them.... For his birthday, I was thinking of buying him a Zimmer frame."

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