Joan Rivers dead: The best jokes to remember the comedian by

Rivers, who has died aged 81, pulled no punches in her routines

Click to follow
The Independent Online

Joan Rivers, the comedian who has died aged 81, was celebrated for her fearless put-downs and zingers.

Throughout her lengthy career, she took as much pleasure directing her acid-tongued humour towards herself as she did tearing apart other celebrities.

“The trouble with me is, I make jokes too often,” the comedian, told The Associated Press last year.

“That's how I get through life. Life is SO difficult — everybody's been through something! But you laugh at it, it becomes smaller.”

Here are some of the bold comedian’s best jokes, but unfortunately without her spot-on delivery. 

1) I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.

2) My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

3) All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

4) I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

5) I said to my mother-in-law, “My house is your house.” She said, “Get the hell off my property.”

Joan Rivers and her daughter Melissa at the 2005 Oscars. (Getty)

6) Madonna is so hairy. When she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

7) I said to my husband, “my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs”. He said, “Blue goes with everything.”

8) I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

9) Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

10) Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

11) My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you’re there." And she says the same thing back, "How’d you get this new number?

12) I bought a pedigree dog for $300. My friend said, "Give me $300. and I'll shit on your carpet."

13) I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

14) Joan Collins lies about her age so much we should have her body carbon-dated.

15) When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton's poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film... in a Marriott hotel.

16) My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

17) Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the?inoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."

18) You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell 'mom' backwards.

19) Style is like herpes: You either have it or you don’t.

20) I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked