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Kristen Stewart: Twilight star writes worst poem of all time for Marie Claire

The Twilight actress demonstrated her brooding best for readers of Marie Claire magazine

Tuesday 11 February 2014 15:05 GMT

Kristen Stewart is doing anything she can to escape the brooding monotony of her one-dimensional performance as Bella in teen horror-romp Twilight.

She's had an affair. She's gotten a few tattoos. She's declared her love for Black Flag. She's even dressed up as a creepy girl version of Karl Lagerfeld - complete with Jacko glove - as the face of Chanel.

Scroll Down To Read Kristen's Poem In Full

But few expected what she was set to unveil next - least of all the fashion-forward, vampire-loving readers of Marie Claire.

''I like being able to hit on something, like, 'There it is,' she said of her work.

"I don't want to sound so f**king utterly pretentious but after I write something, I go, 'Holy f**k, that's crazy,''" she added, modestly.

Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry

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1/10Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry

Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry

Kate Moss

Look. She wasn't always a clothes horse. The world's most famous supermodel is a ruddy lyrical genius. If by genius we mean woefully bad. Here's a limerick she wrote in the heart of her rehabilitation days: “Please let me tell you in brief / what has always been my belief, / Though you may have a passion / for beauty and fashion, / What matters / is what’s underneath.”

Getty Images

Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry

Jennifer Aniston

There's so much wrong with this poem Jen An wrote for then-boyfriend John Mayer, we're not really sure where to start. So we'll just start: "Lucky in love, lucky in love/ Didn’t forget me when I asked you to leave me/ Didn’t forget me/ Now you’re alongside me/ You’ve brought luck to love/ I’ve been hit by a truck in love."

AP

Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry

James Franco

Pulitzer prize-winners a-plenty were drafted in to write poetry for President Obama's second inauguration. Oh, and James Franco, who wrote something really long. Here's an excerpt: "I’m not up there, but Obama is/I was asked to write something/ For the inauguration of his second term, but what could I write/ I was in Asheville, studying writing, but not the political sort/ I write confessions and characters, and that sort of thing." What can we say. It's, erm, literal.

GETTY

Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry

Charlie Sheen

Sheen gave us a Peace Of My Mind once. Yes, with a deliberate misuse of the word 'Peace'. Here's a verse from it: "Teacher, teacher, I don’t understand/ You tell me it’s like the back of my hand/ Should I play guitar and join the band?/ Or head to the beach and walk in the sand?"

Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry

Britney Spears

Poor old Britney had a terrible time in the mid 00s. But she still found time to write an overly long piece of prose called Remembrance Of Who I Am. Some of which is here: "The guilt you fed me/ Made me weak/ The voodoo you did I couldn’t speak/ You’re awakening/ The phone is ringing/ Resurrection of my soul/ The fear I’m bringing."

GETTY IMAGES

Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry

Pamela Anderson

Want to read a par from Ms Anderson's famed Musings from the Bed of Pamela? Of course you do: "The youth… /The wild that rose up from the ashes/ The adults… /Living and dead that fought for our rights/Artists… Sweet artists/Hold on… Crazy/ the world goes on… /And goes…" ... Speechless.

PA

Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry

Sean Penn

Sean Penn previously admitted to writing poetry on napkins when drunk and passing it off as acceptable. Including one classic called, “This Water’s Cold,” which is apparently about a guy with feces on his chin who takes a shower. In a freak plot twist, the water turns out to be cold. It's too horrible to publish, to be honest, so we'll leave it there.

Getty Images

Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry

Ronald Reagan

He's the one on the left, FYI. The former US President has even had a bash at penning the odd poem. He opens his 1928 classic "Life" with the following: “I wonder what it’s all about, and why / We suffer so, when little things go wrong? / We make our life a struggle, / When life should be a song.”

Getty Images

Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry

Alicia Keys

Cracking songs, love, but seriously - back AWAY from the poetry: “Right now I feel like a bird/ Caged without a key/ Everyone comes to stare at me/ So much joy and revelry/ They don’t know how I feel inside/ Through my smile I cry/ They don’t know what they’re doing to me/ Keeping me from flying”

Reuters

Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry

Leonard Nimoy

And who can forget this masterful piece, as penned by Star Trek veteran Leonard Nimoy(left): “You fill me/ With your love/ You fill me/ With your caring/ You fill me/ With your thoughts/ You fill me/ With your sharing.”

''It's the same thing with acting: If I do a good scene, I'm always like, 'Whoa, that's really dope.'''

She also branded the spectacle “so embarrassing”, a sentiment we're inclined to agree with.

Behold... The worst poem of all time, which she recited out loud to the publication during her cover interview, and kindly allowed them to publish in full for their own general amusement:

My Heart Is A Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole, By Kristen Stewart

"I reared digital moonlight/

You read its clock, scrawled neon across that black/

Kismetly ... ubiquitously crest fallen/

Thrown down to strafe your foothills/

...I'll suck the bones pretty.

Your nature perforated the abrasive organ pumps/

Spray painted everything known to man/

Stream rushed through and all out into/

Something Whilst the crackling stare down sun snuck/

Through our windows boarded up/

He hit your flint face and it sparked.

And I bellowed and you parked/

We reached Marfa/

One honest day up on this freedom pole/

Devils not done digging/

He's speaking in tongues all along the pan handle/

And this pining erosion is getting dust in/

My eyes/

And I'm drunk on your morsels/

And so I look down the line/

Your every twitch hand drum salute/

Salutes mine."

You're welcome.

Of course, Stewart isn't the only star who's taken to writing really terrible poetry and thinking it might actually be good. Take a leaf through the gallery above and check out some of the more awful prose the rich and famous have penned in recent memory.

Kristen Stewart says she's quite the homemaker

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