Man About Town: All about my peculiar job

 

August is the cruellest month, for gossip columnists at least. Little gets “launched”, “premieres”are postponed and story-barrels are well and truly scraped.

So rather than telling you which starlet was seen where this week, I’m taking the opportunity to answer the three questions I’m most often asked about my peculiar job.

What’s the gossip?

How to answer? Were I better at my job I might keep a couple of choice anecdotes to satiate the scandalseekers: what the actress really did say to the bishop at the royal wedding, or which TV star’s fetish is to snort miaow miaow off a Belgian transsexual’s backpack. Neither of the above are true, though (or are they?). And unfortunately any seasoned Twitter-user will already know the provenance of most of what I can offer. When a “leaked”list of superinjunctions went round the internet faster than that monkey who drinks his own urine, it was copied, amended and, in parts, turned into pure fiction. But tell them that the real “gossip”is now separating fact from fiction, and you’re just raining on their tittle-tattle parade.

Who is the most famous person you have met?

Another no-win question. Whoever is asking will always have a different view of who is more famous than you do. You might have met everyone from sporting superstars to Hollywood heartthrobs, major royals to world leaders, and members of the Beatles to X-Factor finalists, but say the wrong one to someone and they just look blank and disappointed. And as though you’re just making it all up.

Is X gay?

Male celebrities, from family men to swaggering swordsmen, will often find their sexuality the subject of speculation, making this a perennial piece of small-talk. The number of openly gay actors or sportsmen is, admittedly, statistically small. I am sure there are one or two burdened by religion or the fear of career sabotage, but Rupert Everett and Gareth Thomas continue to thrive in their fields. However, if the past few weeks have taught us anything, it is that if so many of them were gay, the terrible tabloid pack in its hacking heyday would have outed at least a couple of these Hollywood homosexuals. That argument rarely works, however, and whoever asks will usually go off thinking that they know better. Which they may well do

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs People

Guru Careers: Graduate Resourcer / Recruitment Account Executive

£18k + Bonus: Guru Careers: We are seeking a bright, enthusiastic and internet...

Reach Volunteering: Chair and trustees sought for YMCA Bolton

VOLUNTARY ONLY - EXPENSES REIMBURSED: Reach Volunteering: Bolton YMCA is now a...

Tradewind Recruitment: Geography Teacher

£150 - £180 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: Geography Teacher Geography teach...

Tradewind Recruitment: Geography Teacher

£150 - £180 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: Geography Teacher Geography teach...

Day In a Page

Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

Dominic Rossi of Fidelity says his pressure on business to control rewards is working. But why aren’t other fund managers helping?
The King David Hotel gives precious work to Palestinians - unless peace talks are on

King David Hotel: Palestinians not included

The King David is special to Jerusalem. Nick Kochan checked in and discovered it has some special arrangements, too
More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years

End of the Aussie brain drain

More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years
Meditation is touted as a cure for mental instability but can it actually be bad for you?

Can meditation be bad for you?

Researching a mass murder, Dr Miguel Farias discovered that, far from bringing inner peace, meditation can leave devotees in pieces
Eurovision 2015: Australians will be cheering on their first-ever entrant this Saturday

Australia's first-ever Eurovision entrant

Australia, a nation of kitsch-worshippers, has always loved the Eurovision Song Contest. Maggie Alderson says it'll fit in fine
Letterman's final Late Show: Laughter, but no tears, as David takes his bow after 33 years

Laughter, but no tears, as Letterman takes his bow after 33 years

Veteran talkshow host steps down to plaudits from four presidents
Ivor Novello Awards 2015: Hozier wins with anti-Catholic song 'Take Me To Church' as John Whittingdale leads praise for Black Sabbath

Hozier's 'blasphemous' song takes Novello award

Singer joins Ed Sheeran and Clean Bandit in celebration of the best in British and Irish music
Tequila gold rush: The spirit has gone from a cheap shot to a multi-billion pound product

Join the tequila gold rush

The spirit has gone from a cheap shot to a multi-billion pound product
12 best statement wallpapers

12 best statement wallpapers

Make an impact and transform a room with a conversation-starting pattern
Paul Scholes column: Does David De Gea really want to leave Manchester United to fight it out for the No 1 spot at Real Madrid?

Paul Scholes column

Does David De Gea really want to leave Manchester United to fight it out for the No 1 spot at Real Madrid?
Season's finale brings the end of an era for top coaches and players across the continent

The end of an era across the continent

It's time to say farewell to Klopp, Clement, Casillas and Xavi this weekend as they move on to pastures new, reports Pete Jenson
Bin Laden documents released: Papers reveal his obsession with attacking the US and how his failure to keep up with modern jihad led to Isis

'Focus on killing American people'

Released Bin Laden documents reveal obsession with attacking United States
Life hacks: The innovations of volunteers and medical workers are helping Medécins Sans Frontières save people around the world

Medécins Sans Frontières's life hacks

The innovations of volunteers and medical workers around the world are helping the charity save people
Ireland's same-sex marriage vote: As date looms, the Irish ask - how would God vote?

Same-sex marriage

As date looms, the Irish ask - how would God vote?
The underworld is going freelance: Why The Godfather's Mafia model is no longer viable

The Mafia is going freelance

Why the underworld model depicted in The Godfather is no longer viable