Man About Town: All about my peculiar job
August is the cruellest month, for gossip columnists at least. Little gets “launched”, “premieres”are postponed and story-barrels are well and truly scraped.
So rather than telling you which starlet was seen where this week, I’m taking the opportunity to answer the three questions I’m most often asked about my peculiar job.
What’s the gossip?
How to answer? Were I better at my job I might keep a couple of choice anecdotes to satiate the scandalseekers: what the actress really did say to the bishop at the royal wedding, or which TV star’s fetish is to snort miaow miaow off a Belgian transsexual’s backpack. Neither of the above are true, though (or are they?). And unfortunately any seasoned Twitter-user will already know the provenance of most of what I can offer. When a “leaked”list of superinjunctions went round the internet faster than that monkey who drinks his own urine, it was copied, amended and, in parts, turned into pure fiction. But tell them that the real “gossip”is now separating fact from fiction, and you’re just raining on their tittle-tattle parade.
Who is the most famous person you have met?
Another no-win question. Whoever is asking will always have a different view of who is more famous than you do. You might have met everyone from sporting superstars to Hollywood heartthrobs, major royals to world leaders, and members of the Beatles to X-Factor finalists, but say the wrong one to someone and they just look blank and disappointed. And as though you’re just making it all up.
Is X gay?
Male celebrities, from family men to swaggering swordsmen, will often find their sexuality the subject of speculation, making this a perennial piece of small-talk. The number of openly gay actors or sportsmen is, admittedly, statistically small. I am sure there are one or two burdened by religion or the fear of career sabotage, but Rupert Everett and Gareth Thomas continue to thrive in their fields. However, if the past few weeks have taught us anything, it is that if so many of them were gay, the terrible tabloid pack in its hacking heyday would have outed at least a couple of these Hollywood homosexuals. That argument rarely works, however, and whoever asks will usually go off thinking that they know better. Which they may well do
- 1 Tourist films plane's descent just metres above packed Caribbean beach
- 2 Kate Moss: Previously unpublished nude photo revealed by Mert and Marcus
- 3 Indian woman creates 'Marriage CV' after parents put her on dating site: 'Definitely not marriage material. Won’t grow long hair, ever'
- 4 World Book Day: Boy 'excluded' from school after dressing up as Fifty Shades' Christian Grey
- 5 Bad Jews poster 'censored' on London Tube
Nearly 100,000 of Britain's poorest children go hungry after parents' benefits are cut
Durham Free School: 'Creationism taught at' free school facing closure
End of the licence fee: BBC to back radical overhaul of how it is funded
Elif Shafak: Turkish author warns against rise of British nationalism
Most people think legal tax avoidance is just as wrong as illegal tax evasion, poll suggests
Nigel Farage promises Ukip will not 'stigmatise' would-be migrants – and says he wants 'everyone to speak the same language'
Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: Have you been doing a brilliant job in an admi...
£50000 - £60000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you an innovative, senior H...
£20000 - £22000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Our client, a very well respect...
£25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An HR Consultant is required to join thi...