Relationships: Millionaire scientologist seeks wife – GSOH optional

Tom Cruise with Katie Holmes before their split (Getty Images)

In the latest issue of Vanity Fair, it is alleged that the Church of Scientology held auditions for the role of wife to Tom Cruise, between his marriages to Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes. Tom, for his part, has called the story a pack of lies, but still, the idea raises two questions:

1. How else are you supposed to find a wife if you're Tom Cruise? At a wine bar? Mysinglefriend.com?

2. How, exactly, might one "audition" to be the spouse of a global megastar? Dishwasher-emptying skills would, of course, be a must, and a tolerance for TV sports coverage or romantic comedy DVDs, and a willingness to sign a pre-nup. An aptitude for shopping and holidays ought to be complemented by coolness under the glare of the paparazzi flashbulbs. Perhaps the most important of skill would be a capacity to perform convincing public displays of affection, or "PDAs": jumping up and down on chatshow sofas, for example.