An innuendo-filled poem of magnificently smutty genetic proportions, written by The God Delusion author Richard Dawkins, made its way into the public sphere today (scroll down to read it in full).
The famed atheist – and evolutionary biologist – posted a sexy little something for his followers to wake up to on Twitter.
And their reaction to it was – if you could visually wade through the cyber-vom to get to it – predictably amusing.
Of course, Dawkins’ love of poetry is nothing new. In fact, his passion for the nineteenth-century romantics, who accused scientists of making nature out to be far less wondrous than it appears, made up part of the central riposte for his 1998 book, Unweaving the Rainbow: Science, Delusion and the Appetite for Wonder.
In it, he proposes the idea that the rainbow is no less beautiful having been refracted into its component colours, and that scientific reductionism has allowed human beings to discover a beauty far greater than what the romantics could have possibly imagined had ever existed.
Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry
Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry
1/10 Kate Moss
Look. She wasn't always a clothes horse. The world's most famous supermodel is a ruddy lyrical genius. If by genius we mean woefully bad. Here's a limerick she wrote in the heart of her rehabilitation days: “Please let me tell you in brief / what has always been my belief, / Though you may have a passion / for beauty and fashion, / What matters / is what’s underneath.”
2/10 Jennifer Aniston
There's so much wrong with this poem Jen An wrote for then-boyfriend John Mayer, we're not really sure where to start. So we'll just start: "Lucky in love, lucky in love/ Didn’t forget me when I asked you to leave me/ Didn’t forget me/ Now you’re alongside me/ You’ve brought luck to love/ I’ve been hit by a truck in love."
3/10 James Franco
Pulitzer prize-winners a-plenty were drafted in to write poetry for President Obama's second inauguration. Oh, and James Franco, who wrote something really long. Here's an excerpt: "I’m not up there, but Obama is/I was asked to write something/ For the inauguration of his second term, but what could I write/ I was in Asheville, studying writing, but not the political sort/ I write confessions and characters, and that sort of thing." What can we say. It's, erm, literal.
4/10 Charlie Sheen
Sheen gave us a Peace Of My Mind once. Yes, with a deliberate misuse of the word 'Peace'. Here's a verse from it: "Teacher, teacher, I don’t understand/ You tell me it’s like the back of my hand/ Should I play guitar and join the band?/ Or head to the beach and walk in the sand?"
5/10 Britney Spears
Poor old Britney had a terrible time in the mid 00s. But she still found time to write an overly long piece of prose called Remembrance Of Who I Am. Some of which is here: "The guilt you fed me/ Made me weak/ The voodoo you did I couldn’t speak/ You’re awakening/ The phone is ringing/ Resurrection of my soul/ The fear I’m bringing."
6/10 Pamela Anderson
Want to read a par from Ms Anderson's famed Musings from the Bed of Pamela? Of course you do: "The youth… /The wild that rose up from the ashes/ The adults… /Living and dead that fought for our rights/Artists… Sweet artists/Hold on… Crazy/ the world goes on… /And goes…" ... Speechless.
7/10 Sean Penn
Sean Penn previously admitted to writing poetry on napkins when drunk and passing it off as acceptable. Including one classic called, “This Water’s Cold,” which is apparently about a guy with feces on his chin who takes a shower. In a freak plot twist, the water turns out to be cold. It's too horrible to publish, to be honest, so we'll leave it there.
8/10 Ronald Reagan
He's the one on the left, FYI. The former US President has even had a bash at penning the odd poem. He opens his 1928 classic "Life" with the following: “I wonder what it’s all about, and why / We suffer so, when little things go wrong? / We make our life a struggle, / When life should be a song.”
9/10 Alicia Keys
Cracking songs, love, but seriously - back AWAY from the poetry: “Right now I feel like a bird/ Caged without a key/ Everyone comes to stare at me/ So much joy and revelry/ They don’t know how I feel inside/ Through my smile I cry/ They don’t know what they’re doing to me/ Keeping me from flying”
10/10 Leonard Nimoy
And who can forget this masterful piece, as penned by Star Trek veteran Leonard Nimoy(left): “You fill me/ With your love/ You fill me/ With your caring/ You fill me/ With your thoughts/ You fill me/ With your sharing.”
But what, dare we ponder, would Yeats have made of this little number?
Darling let us wean a type Of mixture of us Offer up your genotype shuffle our codes anew Let me extend my phenotype Deep inside of youRichard Dawkins (@RichardDawkins) March 5, 2014
We’ll never know, because the Irish literary great died in 1939. So instead, here are some random Dawkins followers on Twitter to answer on his behalf:
@RichardDawkins heteronormative, how dare you!Sebastian Ames (@Seemorethree) March 5, 2014
@RichardDawkins Smut is fine but at this time of the morning?David Hawley (@gestaltistdavid) March 5, 2014
@RichardDawkins very sexyLiam Black (@LiamABlack) March 5, 2014
. @RichardDawkins no. Stop trying to impregnate impressionable youth. That is what GOD does.Liz Tweets, hater (@Faustrate) March 5, 2014
March 5, 2014
@RichardDawkins Now that's hot...John Merino (@moviealchemist) March 5, 2014
. @RichardDawkins When I read your sexy prose It makes me feel all funny But if there really is no God above Then what's with all the honey?Huw Lemmey (@spitzenprodukte) March 5, 2014
Still. It wasn't anywhere near as polarising as this piece, written by a certain Twilight actress and recited to one mildly uncomfortable journalist during a cover interview for Marie Claire.