Silly old goats grow old, disgracefully

Is it a wondrous quirk of nature that men, like wine, get better with age? You must be kidding. Those who just won't act their age are a real embarrassment

Jack Nicholson, 72

Can there be anyone who doesn't feel repulsed by the pictures of Nicholson holidaying with his paunch? And yet the notorious womaniser reckons he's still got what it takes when it comes to pulling the ladies. "Happily, when it comes to girls hitting on me, I'm not undernourished," he recently claimed. Seriously? We dread to think what your secret is, Jack.

Bryan Ferry, 63

There's low and there's low, Bryan. The ageing Roxy Music star has hooked up with Amanda Sheppard. At 27, Ms Sheppard is barely older than Ferry's oldest son, Otis. Ugh.

Silvio Berlusconi, 72

The Italian PM takes the old goat biscuit for the revelations of these past few weeks. What with claims he's spent the summer consorting with call girls and teenagers at wild parties, has Berlusconi simply forgotten his age? Has he not looked in a mirror? If he hasn't, he should. For the sake of newspaper readers everywhere, if not his own citizens.

David Cameron, 42

If Cameron was trying to get down with the kids by swearing on the alternative morning radio show he appeared on last week, then he could at least have used a suitable expletive. Telling Christian O'Connell that the problem with Twitter was that "too many twits might make a twat" just won't cut it with the yoof of today. Nor will saying the public are "pissed off" with politicians in your best Old Etonian accent.

Lembit Opik, 44

Need we say more? Ok then. The Liberal Democrat MP just can't help himself when it comes to women. First, there was Sian Lloyd, the weather forecaster, and then Gabriela Irimia, better known as one half of the Cheeky Girls. Now there's Katie Green, the 21-year-old model. And you wonder why voters can't take you seriously, Lembit?

Mel Gibson, 53

Once an American action movie pin-up, always an American action movie pin-up, in your dreams at least. Gibson may lack the big-screen roles but that won't hamper his off-screen action. Witness his decision to ditch his wife (and mother to their seven children) to father a baby with a Russian actress nearly half his age.

Richard Madeley, 56

If the former TV presenter thought that he'd reboot his career with a tongue-in-cheek Twitter ad – "Employment required: Sexy man, experienced sofa operator, Ali G beard, licensed squirrel catcher" – he'd better think again. We'd rather forget that Ali G impression, thank you very much, Mr Judy Finnigan.

William Hague, 48

Maybe it's the lack of hair. Maybe it's just him. Either way, the former Tory leader has always crashed and burned when he's tried to play the youthful card. Who could forget that ill-advised baseball cap? Then there was the claim that he was a 14-pint-a-day man as a teenager. Luckily for us, now that he's approaching his half century he seems happier with his lot.

Flavio Briatore, 59

The womanising Formula 1 magnate may have scored an own goal when he took on the football club QPR two years ago. If the fans don't like him, at least the ladies do. But will his liaison with Wonderbra's Elisabetta Gregoraci, 28, last longer than the one with Victoria's Secret star Heidi Klum?

Nicolas Sarkozy, 54

Le jogging president evoked not so much concern but ridicule when he collapsed last weekend after "un jog" too far. His critics can't decide what's worse: that he jogs in the midday heat; that he jogs at all; or that he thinks he can keep up with his wife, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy.