Snowden v Bowie v … Kate Nash? The battle of the alternative Christmas message

While Channel 4 located the alabaster NSA whistleblower, several other household names came out of the tinsel

Forget the Queen and her random plaster cast man (whatever that was about)

The 25 December 2013 was all about the battle for the other most worthy yuletide delivery: the alternative Christmas message.

While Channel 4 located alabaster NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden for their official Christmas message, several other household names came out of the tinsel to – completely randomly – deliver festive addresses of their own.

But whose was the most worthy? Whose, hands down, won the double award for combined bizarreness and sheer vanity? And who gets the gold for leaping on a pedestal far higher than their actual level of celebrity should ever allow them to? In no particular order…

 

Alternative Christmas Message 1: Edward Snowden

Who for? Channel 4

General gist: WE’RE ALL BEING BLOODY WATCHED. THE YEAR IS 1984. HAPPY CHRISTMAS, THE GOVERNMENT/GOOGLE/I KNOW WHAT YOU GOT FROM SANTA.

Most quoted, erm, quote: “A child born today will have no concept of privacy.”

Did we care? Yeah. Snowden’s a pretty big deal. Plus, being told we’re living in an Orwellian era of mass surveillance in a real life Black Mirror scenario was far more entertaining than listening to Queenie ramble on about Kate and Wills. And plaster cast men.

 

Alternative Christmas Message 2: David Bowie

Who for? BBC Radio Six during a broadcast by the surviving members of The Clash.

General gist: ‘Tally-ho Blighty, I love being British. So I thought I’d put on this random Elvis Presley accent for you all.’ Seriously. He did.

Most quoted, erm, quote: “Hello everybody, this is David Bowie making a telephone call from the US of A. At this time of the year I can't help but remember my British-ness and all the jolly British folk”

Did we care? It’s David Bowie. Had he posted a 12-hour Instagram clip of him watching paint dry, we’d have called it a modern masterpiece.

 

Alternative Christmas Message 3: Cara Delevingne

Who for? Anyone bored enough to be on the internet on Christmas day. And bored enough to follow Cara Delevingne on the internet. Oh, and LOVE magazine.

General gist: Hot supermodel writhes around in underwear, spanks wooden pig with a whip. Is filmed by equally hot supermodel sister while she does it. Basically porn.

Most quoted, erm, quote: “Merry Christmas everybody, I hope you haven’t been too naughty like this pig.”

Did we care? Yes, because we are hopelessly perverted. And endlessly fascinated by her meerkat-like beauty. No real idea what she was on about, though.

 

Alternative Christmas Message 4: Kate Nash

Who for? Erm… Kate Nash fans? Are these a thing? Oh, and to go with her Christmas EP, Have Faith With Kate Nash, which she released earlier in December.

General gist: Thanks fans for being fans, then tells them what to do to be as awesome as she is in narcissistic swear-a-thon.

Most quoted, erm, quote: “Be confident, be really f**king confident, love yourself... Tell yourself you're the baddest bitch from hell every morning.”

Did we care? No. No, we really didn’t.

 

Now for some far more pressing festive news... Snakes in Santa hats and other ridiculous headgear, the phenomenon of which you can witness below. You're welcome.

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs People

Compensation and Benefits Manager - Brentwood - Circa £60,000

£60000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Compensation and Benefits Manager - Compensat...

Finance Manager - Recruitment Business (Media & Entertainment)

£28000 - £35000 per annum + negotiable: Sauce Recruitment: We have an exciting...

HR Advisor - North London / North West London

£30000 - £35000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: HR Advisor - North London...

Finance Manager - Recruitment Business (Media & Entertainment)

£28000 - £32000 per annum + negotiable: Sauce Recruitment: We have an exciting...

Day In a Page

Wilko Johnson, now the bad news: musician splits with manager after police investigate assault claims

Wilko Johnson, now the bad news

Former Dr Feelgood splits with manager after police investigate assault claims
Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands ahead of the US midterm elections

Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands

The Senator for Colorado is for gay rights, for abortion rights – and in the Republicans’ sights as they threaten to take control of the Senate next month
New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

Evidence found of contact between Easter Islanders and South America
Cerys Matthews reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of Dylan Thomas

Cerys Matthews on Dylan Thomas

The singer reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of the famous Welsh poet
DIY is not fun and we've finally realised this as a nation

Homebase closures: 'DIY is not fun'

Homebase has announced the closure of one in four of its stores. Nick Harding, who never did know his awl from his elbow, is glad to see the back of DIY
The Battle of the Five Armies: Air New Zealand releases new Hobbit-inspired in-flight video

Air New Zealand's wizard in-flight video

The airline has released a new Hobbit-inspired clip dubbed "The most epic safety video ever made"
Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month - but can you stomach the sweetness?

Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month

The combination of cinnamon, clove, nutmeg (and no actual pumpkin), now flavours everything from lattes to cream cheese in the US
11 best sonic skincare brushes

11 best sonic skincare brushes

Forget the flannel - take skincare to the next level by using your favourite cleanser with a sonic facial brush
Paul Scholes column: I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Phil Jones and Marcos Rojo

Paul Scholes column

I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Jones and Rojo
Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

While other sports are stalked by corruption, we are an easy target for the critics
Jamie Roberts exclusive interview: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Jamie Roberts: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Wales centre says he’s not coming home but is looking to establish himself at Racing Métro
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?