Pamela Anderson has penned an epically long poem about many, many things - including vegetables - but mainly the difficulties of being in and falling out of love.
Maybe it was cathartic for her (she has just announced her second divorce from husband Rick Salomon), but the 1,209-word stream of consciousness is utterly undecipherable to the rest of the world.
In it, she laments the “lost art” of sex, “the cruel smell of blossom” (a scent that tends to be well-liked by most, but each to their own), “lost female security”, seemingly caused by “coded and loaded cell phones” – but, frankly, it’s difficult to tell either way.
She goes onto describe how much she misses Playboy and “chivalry and elegance”, two words seldom associated with Hugh Hefner or his brand. Then comes an inexplicable segment about unwashed vegetables.
Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry
Oh, The Horror: 10 Terrible Works Of A-List Poetry
1/10 Kate Moss
Look. She wasn't always a clothes horse. The world's most famous supermodel is a ruddy lyrical genius. If by genius we mean woefully bad. Here's a limerick she wrote in the heart of her rehabilitation days: “Please let me tell you in brief / what has always been my belief, / Though you may have a passion / for beauty and fashion, / What matters / is what’s underneath.”
2/10 Jennifer Aniston
There's so much wrong with this poem Jen An wrote for then-boyfriend John Mayer, we're not really sure where to start. So we'll just start: "Lucky in love, lucky in love/ Didn’t forget me when I asked you to leave me/ Didn’t forget me/ Now you’re alongside me/ You’ve brought luck to love/ I’ve been hit by a truck in love."
3/10 James Franco
Pulitzer prize-winners a-plenty were drafted in to write poetry for President Obama's second inauguration. Oh, and James Franco, who wrote something really long. Here's an excerpt: "I’m not up there, but Obama is/I was asked to write something/ For the inauguration of his second term, but what could I write/ I was in Asheville, studying writing, but not the political sort/ I write confessions and characters, and that sort of thing." What can we say. It's, erm, literal.
4/10 Charlie Sheen
Sheen gave us a Peace Of My Mind once. Yes, with a deliberate misuse of the word 'Peace'. Here's a verse from it: "Teacher, teacher, I don’t understand/ You tell me it’s like the back of my hand/ Should I play guitar and join the band?/ Or head to the beach and walk in the sand?"
5/10 Britney Spears
Poor old Britney had a terrible time in the mid 00s. But she still found time to write an overly long piece of prose called Remembrance Of Who I Am. Some of which is here: "The guilt you fed me/ Made me weak/ The voodoo you did I couldn’t speak/ You’re awakening/ The phone is ringing/ Resurrection of my soul/ The fear I’m bringing."
6/10 Pamela Anderson
Want to read a par from Ms Anderson's famed Musings from the Bed of Pamela? Of course you do: "The youth… /The wild that rose up from the ashes/ The adults… /Living and dead that fought for our rights/Artists… Sweet artists/Hold on… Crazy/ the world goes on… /And goes…" ... Speechless.
7/10 Sean Penn
Sean Penn previously admitted to writing poetry on napkins when drunk and passing it off as acceptable. Including one classic called, “This Water’s Cold,” which is apparently about a guy with feces on his chin who takes a shower. In a freak plot twist, the water turns out to be cold. It's too horrible to publish, to be honest, so we'll leave it there.
8/10 Ronald Reagan
He's the one on the left, FYI. The former US President has even had a bash at penning the odd poem. He opens his 1928 classic "Life" with the following: “I wonder what it’s all about, and why / We suffer so, when little things go wrong? / We make our life a struggle, / When life should be a song.”
9/10 Alicia Keys
Cracking songs, love, but seriously - back AWAY from the poetry: “Right now I feel like a bird/ Caged without a key/ Everyone comes to stare at me/ So much joy and revelry/ They don’t know how I feel inside/ Through my smile I cry/ They don’t know what they’re doing to me/ Keeping me from flying”
10/10 Leonard Nimoy
And who can forget this masterful piece, as penned by Star Trek veteran Leonard Nimoy(left): “You fill me/ With your love/ You fill me/ With your caring/ You fill me/ With your thoughts/ You fill me/ With your sharing.”
Perhaps it’s intended to be free-flowing and experimental in the style of Allen Ginsberg. But obviously Anderson isn’t Ginsberg, rendering it all a little nonsensical. The whole thing - which you can read in full on her Facebook page if you so should wish - must have taken her hours.
But, for your enjoyment, here are a few selected highlights:
The cruel smell of orange blossoms/
I love being in love— but expectations/
make it impossible to be happy/
I've tried... so hard/
maybe it's not in fashion/
Tradition...just seemed so romantic/
I guess it's a used up ideal/
for the old fashion/
Female security... lost/
Coded, and loaded Cell phones/
Ordering sex on line/
is like ordering a book on Amazon/
and ... snooping eats you alive/
No man knows what to do with me/
I blame myself/
To play with me, is eternal/
Never marry a rich man/
Euros from a Vagabond/
Where are the great lovers?— A lost art/
God , I hope not/
I've never been to Columbia— Should I go?- I really want to go!/
Is this Hysteria?/
now— Coming down from the ceiling/
dripping in gold glitter/
ME- I miss PLAYBOY/
The End of an Era/
differences... hot—-passionate dreamy scenes/
Are we all going crazy?/
or, is it just me?/
Is it that stuff on unwashed vegetables?/