Cameron pleads for extras to perform his Ealing comedy

Thursday's by-election in Ealing Southall (prompted by the demise of Parliament's cheery oldest member, Piara Khabra) is the most bizarre and bitter for years, with defections and dirty tricks. Look suspiciously upon anyone loudly predicting the outcome.

The poll is seen as a test of Dave Cameron's mettle. Labour have a stonking 11,440 majority, but until last week Tory strategists were confident their candidate, the debonair Sikh businessman Tony Lit, 34, could bite a chunk from this and maybe even devour the opposition.

Until, that is, it emerged that Lit joined the Conservatives only a few days before becoming the candidate; and that his company, Sunrise Radio, last month gave £4,800 to Labour at a dinner for Asian businessmen, where he posed for a pic with Tony Blair.

It seems that Cameron's apparatchiks are suffering from squeaky bums: yesterday lunchtime, Tory MPs got a missive from the whips' office pleading for help canvassing in Ealing. The whips said they were "short of volunteers" and it'd be "an enormous help" if MPs report for service immediately.

One Conservative MP tells me: "They must be joking. His episode with Blair has embarrassed the party. I am not surprised, following Mr Lit's performance, that there aren't too many Tory volunteers volunteering in Ealing Southall. This is looking rather desperate."

Lit's father turned up yesterday "in his black Rolls Royce with personalised number plates, L1 TTT ... He was hurriedly shooed away from the waiting photographers and camera crews."

Marcus jumps out of Gordon's frying pan

Intrigue at Gordon Ramsay's Savoy Grill. The London catering world is abuzz with talk that his Michelin-starred chef Marcus Wareing will not return to the restaurant after its closure for refurbishment in December.

Ramsay's people deny that his protégé and friend Wareing - who chose Big Gord to be his best man - will quit the Savoy. But the glossy industry paper Caterer and Hotelkeeper hears that the parting is "definitely happening".

Wareing would no doubt be kept busy as chef-patron at Ramsay's two-Michelin-starred Knightsbridge joint, Pétrus. I called Wareing there yesterday: if he is not quitting the Savoy he could hush the whispers in a breath.

Unfortunately, he's not at work this week and "uncontactable"; his wife and personal assistant, Jane, is due to give birth to their third child. Says an employee: "She's ready to pop."

Who ate all the cakes?

How is Cherie Blair coping with life after No 10? It seems to have left her feeling empty, according to an onlooker at the recent New Forest wedding of Jonathan Powell, Tony's now-unemployed chief of staff, to his long-term belle and mother of two daughters, the writer Sarah Helm.

Guests littering the croquet lawn at Fritham Lodge (built in 1635 as a hunting lodge for Charles I, now owned by Powell's advertising guru brother Chris) included Ali Campbell, Peter Mandelson in a monogrammed shirt, MI6 wallah Sir John Scarlett, Sally Morgan, Ruth Turner and Anji Hunter. One was surprised, she says, to see Cherie filling her cakehole with a helping of each of the three puddings on offer.

If Cherie is reading, I would be delighted to hear if she preferred the trifle, the lemon torte or the fruit and berry salad with cream.

On the fence

Trust the Labour backbench troublemaker Gordon Prentice to shun the tug of love for Digby Jones, the former CBI honcho promoted to trade minister in Gordon's government "of all the talents".

The now Lord Jones of Birmingham has taken the Labour whip in the Lords, but refuses to join the party. The Tories believe he burns a blue candle, while a senior Lib Dem peer tells Pandora: "He is almost certainly one of ours."

Now Prentice and friends have tabled a Commons motion saying it would be "wholly inappropriate for ministers in the Lords who are not members of the Labour Party to attend the weekly meetings of the Lords Labour Group."

The answer from the Labour leader of the Lords, Baroness Ashton, will begin with "bog" and end in "off".

Ken carries on camping it up

There's really no such thing as a no-go area for the London Mayor, Ken Livingstone, when it comes to courting the all-important gay vote. According to the cheese impresario Pete Waterman (the man responsible for Steps), Ken is now a fan of Waterman's latest camp pop creation, the Sheilas.

"I was with the girls down at Gay Pride the other week doing a gig and I bumped into Ken," says Waterman. "He said he loved the band because they put a smile on his face. I didn't think they'd be his cup of tea to be honest."

The band, spawned from an irritating car insurance advertisement, plan to perform at the West End club G-A-Y. The mayor's spokesman declined to comment on whether or not Ken, the Great King Newt (© Bozza), will be found prancing about in leather hotpants at the gig. I can only hope this is not one of those occasions when non-denial equates to confirmation.