* John "two shags" Prescott reckons the Mail on Sunday should be carpeted by the Press Complaints Commission for buying up the "excoriating" diaries of his mistress, Tracey Temple.
Perhaps, when the dust has settled, he'll think again. For it turns out that some of Prezza's most embarrassing bedroom secrets were deleted from the memoir prior to publication.
Sources close to Temple report that three key anecdotes from her hand-written diaries were missing from the MoS's seven pages of edited highlights.
The first referred to an under-sized feature of the Deputy PM's anatomy, which Temple compared to a "cocktail sausage".
The second described efforts to use pharmaceuticals to resurrect what the newspaper later referred to as "an unsuccessful attempt at sex".
The third contained detailed accounts of a "Lewinskyesque" encounter in the Whitehall office of Prescott, left. According to sources at the Mail on Sunday, all three passages were removed for reasons of taste.
"Tempting though it was, we didn't think our readers want to read graphic accounts of this sort of thing," says one. "We are, as they say, a family newspaper."
Yesterday, though Temple's "censored" recollections were sweeping through Westminster, having been aired on the internet site of the publisher Iain Dale.
"Far from threatening to take the MoS to the PCC, Prescott should be sitting down tonight and writing a handwritten letter of thanks to their editor," he reckons.
* Unlike some of her compatriots, Juliette Lewis has failed to cash in on the financial boom hitting the West End.
Yesterday, I revealed that the Broadway star Idina Menzel was set to earn $30,000 (£16,000) a week for her role in the musical Wicked.
Now it emerges that Hollywood star Lewis has agreed to star in the play Fool For Love for a comparative pittance.
According to the producers' budget for her stay, seen by this column, Lewis will be forced to rough it on just £477 a week during rehearsals.
Although this will rise to £1,500 during the show's run - and she'll also get £4,000 first- class flights, with accommodation worth £1,250 per week - it's a commendably modest reward.
Says a source at the Apollo Theatre: "We're still trying to find a co-star who will perform for the same fee as Juliette."
* Gordon Ramsay was recently hired as head chef for David Beckham's pre-World Cup charity party.
The two men have actually become close chums, and are in the habit of meeting for discreet dinners with their respective wives.
I hope, therefore, not to spoil a beautiful friendship by recalling a newspaper interview last year in which Ramsay, above right, was asked what he thought of players who, like Beckham, below, shave their body hair.
"Footballers are turning into women," he spluttered. "You could never have got away with anything like that when I was playing.
"I think England players should be thinking more about football and less about their appearance, especially considering how they did at Euro 2004."
Take it back, Gordon?
* The Blaenau Gwent by-election gives Labour's resident control freaks a chance to learn from past mistakes.
Yesterday, they unveiled a shortlist of candidates for the seat, which became vacant following the sad death of Peter Law.
For friends of the late MP, it makes curious reading. "The list includes Huw Edwards and Jon Owen Jones," says one. "Both are former MPs, who got booted out at the last election."
If getting other people's rejects wasn't irritating enough, just four of the 25 potential candidates turn out to be female.
"It's ironic," I'm told. "Peter only resigned from Labour, and stood as an independent, because the party tried to impose an all-women shortlist on his seat.
"Now they're doing the complete opposite. What a mess!"
* With or without Wayne Rooney, England won't be short of musical inspiration during this summer's World Cup.
Following in the footsteps of David Baddiel and Justin Hawkins (to name but two), John Cleese has announced his intention to support "our boys" in Germany by releasing a novelty pop record.
His track will be called "Don't Mention The World Cup", and is described as a satirical ditty inspired by the Basil Fawlty catchphrase.
"It's a catchy tune," Cleese tells iTunes, where the record will be sold. "Hopefully you'll be hearing it on a football terrace near you, very, very soon."
Cleese is a fan of all things German. Last week, he was hired by the country's embassy in London to help "break down ridiculous anti-German prejudices".Reuse content