Pandora: Kelly preserves her modesty

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The Independent Online

Kelly Osbourne, daughter of Sharon and vacuum cleaner-voiced Ozzy, has declared celebrity jihad on The London Paper afternoon freesheet after it published a photo of her, thighs akimbo, in the back of a cab. On the evening in question, Osbourne had been weaving tiredly about the Polynesian-themed nightclub Mahiki (favoured by Sloanes and the royal set) and was later seen carefully inspecting the craftsmanship of brickwork on a wall next to her house.

Osbourne's solicitors at Schillings fired off the traditional smelly fax to The London Paper objecting to Kelly's photographed crotch being covered by a small Mahiki-style treasure chest, claiming this implied that she was not wearing any knickers, when she was. Every millimetre of fabric counts.

Abbey rampage shows Prezza hasn't lost his punch

Thwack! The Rt Hon John Prescott seems not to have lost any of the charm (cough) that contributed to his reputation as one of British politics' foremost smoothies.

On Monday night, the former deputy prime minister arrived in the genteel surroundings of Westminster Abbey Undercroft; he had been invited to the summer party for the public relations firm Citigate Dewe Rogerson. It took him no time to turn guests puce, choking on their canapés.

JP walked in and immediately, upon spotting his nemesis Andrew Robathan, told the Tory MP and former SAS officer to eff off. Then he asked one of Pandora's rival gossip columnists, "Aren't you that cock from Sky News?" Deploying the old charisma, eh, John!

Prezza did not return calls last night, but the Tourette's-style outburst at Robathan can, at least, be explained. Prezza has loathed him since the Conservative parliamentarian dug around in the cosy housing arrangements JP had with the RMT union. The men had a spat in a Commons tearoom in 2003. Robathan, an accomplished wind-up merchant, asked Prezza to stop flouting the mobile phone ban (he was talking to Tony Blair), causing the then-DPM to bellow: "You're not in the sergeants' mess now! Fuck off! He thinks we're all troopers!"

"It happens all the time," says Robathan. "I see him in the corridor and say 'Alright Prezza, good weekend?' and he tells me to eff off. I wanted to tell him how much I was enjoying his memoirs but never got the chance."

Kris is back. But he's no fan of 'Sex and the City'

Pandora's sisterhood did us proud amid the bedlam of Monday's Sex and the City premiere in Leicester Square. The hyperventilating harpies climbing over one another to glimpse Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall et al would have fitted in at a Turkish football match were it not for the exclusive presence of the X chromosome. Several revved up in the pub and were roaring "Who are ya! Who are ya!" at celebs walking the red carpet.

It was pleasing to see Kris Marshall, of My Family fame, hobble in, after he was hit by a car in Bristol two weeks ago, leaving him in intensive care. But Marshall is "not at all" a fan of the Manhattan foursome, he told Pandora. "I'm here for the sake of my girlfriend [Kelly Eastwood] to say thank you for sorting me out after my spell in hospital. I just wanted to get back on the horse as soon as possible." As for the guy who ran him over: "It wasn't his fault, he was just a young guy and it was bad luck."

Meanwhile Jessica Parker said she "would be honoured" to sign up for a West End play.

Josh's stable footing

When Josh Lewsey spits out his gum shield for the final time and hangs up his rugby boots, an alternative career in carpentry awaits.

Pandora was plonked next to the England and Wasps man, formerly a Royal Artillery officer, at the Anglo-Irish Jump Racing Awards, where he presented the Irishman Tony McCoy with Jockey of the Year. Not long after coffee was served, Lewsey dashed off, since he was due back in Buckinghamshire to put up a stable. "I made a promise to help out a mate of mine. he's got a farm and isn't making much money so has to diversify," he told me. "It's pretty simple work. They're not air-conditioned things like AP [McCoy] is probably used to."

I hope Lewsey, right, did not over-exert himself; he is scheduled to play in this Sunday's crunching Guinness Premiership semi-final against Bath.

Peers for beers

You scratch my back... In March 2006, when the honours investigation began, the then Home Secretary Charles Clarke sprang to the defence of Lord Levy: "The suggestion there was cash for peerages is false. That is not the way Lord Levy operates." Clarke was at Levy's book launch on Monday and, at the end, as the crowd disappeared, helped himself to another glass of fizz. Cheers!

* "We should not be complacent," David Cameron told yesterday's Press Gallery lunch. "All parties have their problems. We had the difficulty with [sex addict] Irvine Laidlaw. I thought I had done what was necessary. I took away the whip. But obviously I should have taken away the handcuffs, suspenders and the thong. In fact when I first saw the headline, 'Top Tory, Coke and the Hooker', I thought 'Oh no, not George again'."