Pandora: Unhappy days for Bez

If any reader knows of a vacancy for a maracas player, please get in touch at the Pandora's email address. Bez, the Happy Mondays' "walking miracle" and "freaky dancer", a gurning Mancunian famed for his rhumba shakers, flying goggles and appetite for hardcore narcotics (Drugs? "It's my job") , has been declared bankrupt for a second time.

Born Mark Berry, he first graced the Insolvency Register back in 2004, rescued then by a £50,000 appearance fee from 2005's Celebrity Big Brother (RIP). Now 43, Bez's "Madchester" days of Caribbean crack cocaine sessions are gone. I hope his recent sniping at today's rock juveniles will not haunt him. Pete Doherty is "a lightweight", apparently, while Amy Winehouse is "a part-time rock'n'roller". Live the dream!

Room for one more? Clegg comforts under-fire candidate

Nick Clegg, fresh from the hoo-hah over his claim to have rolled about the bedclothes (or atop the car bonnet – you know these senior Lib Dems) with "no more than 30" women, yesterday stepped into the domestic arrangements of one of his parliamentary candidates.

Clegg dropped in to the north-west constituency of Pendle, a Labour marginal seat sure to be closely contested at the next general election, and saw the soggy tea biscuits fly.

His visit was timely, since the Lib Dem candidate there, a young barrister called Afzal Anwar, was this week subjected to a police investigation after the local Labour party screamed blue murder that 27 people are registered to vote at Anwar's house.

"It's despicable, they all exist," says Anwar's agent Tony Greaves, running through the identities of each one. "It's an enormous property which used to be a hotel. Four families are living there. All apart from two are British citizens and they are all entitled to vote."

He accuses Labour of dirty tricks: "This is just a diversional tactic from the Labour lot here who will stoop to nothing, I'm afraid, and there's a group of them and the only way they will stopped will be by sending them to jail." Crikey!

Clegg met Anwar yesterday to reassure him and join the outraged chorus.

"It's scurrilous muckraking," says Clegg's spokes-man. "It's a bit 'look at those Asian families living in one house'. Asian families here are upset about it.

"It's below the belt."

Not the best phrase...

Doherty signs on the dotted line

Try as Kate Moss does to settle down with her latest musical squeeze (and fiancé) Jamie Hince, the pale shadow of Peter Doherty may yet stalk her.

The scabby balladeer, once boyfriend to the enigmatic model, is currently banged up in Wormwood Scrubs for breaching bail conditions imposed to help him deal with his drug addictions. He has signed a "five-figure deal" with the publisher of coffee table tomes Cassell Illustrated to co-pen a biography of his band, Babyshambles. It will be a "classic rock biography that tells all", with the imprint promising he will write about his relationship with Moss: "She's obviously going to be in it because she's part of the story."

Alarm bell chez Moss!

Doherty released the Collected Writings of Pete Doherty last summer. The volume has sold 10,855 copies. It is not known how many purchasers subsequently turned to drugs to numb the reading experience.

Not such a bright spark

Aha! A pistachio! Let me fetch the sledgehammer...

The privacy of Damien Hirst is clearly something to be taken most seriously: an electrician working on the artist's Toddington Manor has been sacked, after appealing to locals in the Gloucestershire Echo to offer information about a mystery 19th-century plasterer, whose graffiti was discovered on a beam.

"My only intention was to find out if any of Jas Robbins' descendants could shed light on him," says Mark Curtis. "I was sacked by my site manager. I apologise to Mr Hirst if my action caused him any embarrassment."

Perhaps the wiresmith will, in years to come, consider himself lucky to not be bobbing about a tank of formaldehyde, or have his bare cranium embossed with bling.

Brains food

Ripples at Sir Terence Conran's Le Pont de la Tour when a diner arrived flanked by goons. Confusion that it was Clark Gable cleared when patrons realised he was our thrusting Foreign Secretary, David Miliband. The eatery was favoured by Labour's upwardly-mobile: Ken dines there, and the Blairs broke bread with the Clintons. As for Miliboy, attention drifted towards a tribe of footballers.

* Whither City whiz kid David Pitt-Watson? Having agreed to be Labour General Secretary and sort out the finances, he had second thoughts. Labour claimed his contract obliged him to stay on for now as chairman of Hermes equity fund. Tell that to the European Parliament's Economic and Monetary Affairs Committee, where DP-W was scheduled to speak. "Please note that he may be replaced by his successor," read a note – fuelling the theory that DP-W is worried about his assets being seized were Labour to go into liquidation.

pandora@independent.co.uk

PROMOTED VIDEO
News
ebooksAn unforgettable anthology of contemporary reportage
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs People

HR Advisor - North London / North West London

£30000 - £35000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: HR Advisor - North London...

Finance Manager - Recruitment Business (Media & Entertainment)

£28000 - £32000 per annum + negotiable: Sauce Recruitment: We have an exciting...

HR Advisor - North London / North West London

£30000 - £35000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: HR Advisor - North London...

HR Advisor - North London / North West London

£30000 - £35000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: HR Advisor - North London...

Day In a Page

Two super-sized ships have cruised into British waters, but how big can these behemoths get?

Super-sized ships: How big can they get?

Two of the largest vessels in the world cruised into UK waters last week
British doctors on brink of 'cure' for paralysis with spinal cord treatment

British doctors on brink of cure for paralysis

Sufferers can now be offered the possibility of cure thanks to a revolutionary implant of regenerative cells
Ranked seventh in world’s best tourist cities - not London, or Edinburgh, but Salisbury

Salisbury ranked seventh in world’s best tourist cities

The city is home to one of the four surviving copies of the Magna Carta, along with the world’s oldest mechanical clock
Let's talk about loss

We need to talk about loss

Secrecy and silence surround stillbirth
Will there be an all-female mission to Mars?

Will there be an all-female mission to Mars?

Women may be better suited to space travel than men are
Oscar Pistorius sentencing: The athlete's wealth and notoriety have provoked a long overdue debate on South African prisons

'They poured water on, then electrified me...'

If Oscar Pistorius is sent to jail, his experience will not be that of other inmates
James Wharton: The former Guard now fighting discrimination against gay soldiers

The former Guard now fighting discrimination against gay soldiers

Life after the Army has brought new battles for the LGBT activist James Wharton
Ebola in the US: Panic over the virus threatens to infect President Obama's midterms

Panic over Ebola threatens to infect the midterms

Just one person has died, yet November's elections may be affected by what Republicans call 'Obama's Katrina', says Rupert Cornwell
Premier League coaches join the RSC to swap the tricks of their trades

Darling, you were fabulous! But offside...

Premier League coaches are joining the RSC to learn acting skills, and in turn they will teach its actors to play football. Nick Clark finds out why
How to dress with authority: Kirsty Wark and Camila Batmanghelidjh discuss the changing role of fashion in women's workwear

How to dress with authority

Kirsty Wark and Camila Batmanghelidjh discuss the changing role of fashion in women's workwear
New book on Joy Division's Ian Curtis sheds new light on the life of the late singer

New book on Ian Curtis sheds fresh light on the life of the late singer

'Joy Division were making art... Ian was for real' says author Jon Savage
Sean Harris: A rare interview with British acting's secret weapon

Sean Harris: A rare interview with British acting's secret weapon

The Bafta-winner talks Hollywood, being branded a psycho, and how Barbra Streisand is his true inspiration
Tim Minchin, interview: The musician, comedian and world's favourite ginger is on scorching form

Tim Minchin interview

For a no-holds-barred comedian who is scathing about woolly thinking and oppressive religiosity, he is surprisingly gentle in person
Boris Johnson's boozing won't win the puritan vote

Boris's boozing won't win the puritan vote

Many of us Brits still disapprove of conspicuous consumption – it's the way we were raised, says DJ Taylor
Ash frontman Tim Wheeler reveals how he came to terms with his father's dementia

Tim Wheeler: Alzheimer's, memories and my dad

Wheeler's dad suffered from Alzheimer's for three years. When he died, there was only one way the Ash frontman knew how to respond: with a heartfelt solo album