Pandora's Quotes of the Year

'This is a bunch of lies! Sneaky! Underhand!'
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The Independent Online

POLITICAL ANIMALS

"She remembers what Boris looked like naked when he was six months old: fat and pink. Polly will always have this over him. She was probably the first female journalist to see him in the nude but certainly not the last."

In 1965, when she was 18, political commentator, Polly Toynbee dated Boris Johnson's uncle

"I gave becoming mayor serious thought, but I'm reluctant to change what I'm doing. I'm in love and business is fine. But I wouldn't rule it out for the future."

Tory supporter Peter Stringfellow valiantly pulls out of the race to be the Conservatives' candidate for London mayor

"He was in a state when he got there and kept nodding off. The last time I saw him he was being dragged down the road by two of his staff."

The UK Independence Party's "tired and emotional" leader, Nigel Farage, is spotted in Strasbourg's Irish-themed pub. He admits being "dead meat by that stage"

"I was the bottom double. There's a sex scene between John and Tracey in his office. She's on the desk. I had to drop my trousers and do the deed. While I'm going at it, she's writing in the diary. I had a sock over my willy and a flesh-coloured jockstrap."

Behold the Deputy Posterior! Actor Michael Knott played the part of John Prescott's buttocks in the telly adaptation of his affair with Tracey Temple

"I enjoyed it then, but I obviously can't condone it now. I was caught on "Match of the Day" wearing a dodgy Kappa jumper with blue and white stripes. I had long hair at the back and short on top, like Damon Grant off Brookside a mullet."

Treasury minister Andy Burnham admits to invading the pitch during a football match when he was 14

"You're my press person! I don't think you should be telling them [Pandora] this! Don't talk. Just say everything's going to be disclosed in the Register of Members' Interests."

Harriet Harman seemed very twitchy when Pandora overheard her conversation with an aide about political donations

WORLD AFFAIRS

"We cower as you point your fingers telling us to support our troops. You and the smarmy pundits in your pocket those who bathe in the moisture of your soiled and blood-soaked underwear can take that noise and shove it."

Sean Penn disagrees with George Bush's Iraq venture

"I sat on the sink and Ralph started giving me oral sex. He bent me over and had sex with me. I was shocked that he didn't wear a condom."

Sweet romance! Australian air stewardess Lisa Robertson makes friends with the actor and safe sex ambassador for Unicef, Ralph Fiennes, in the business class lavatory of flight QF123

"I've seen everything, so this is dull. If you want a real stripper, you get a hooker. The girls in South America are the best, they do anything."

The now-teetotal Guns N' Roses guitarist Slash quickly gets bored in strip clubs

SISTER SISTER

"I think she's carried the WeightWatchers look a bit too far. The average person that goes to WeightWatchers is allowed 22 diet points a day. I think Angelina must be on about four."

Carol Hatton, the market trading mother of boxer Ricky, pulls no punches about Angelina Joliefollowing their meetingin Las Vegas. As for Jolie's husband Brad Pitt, Mrs Hatton "wouldn't ask 'im out of bed"

"Everyone thinks all these girls have great bodies but are stupid. That's not true. There are 50 and two are really smart; they knew their names. The rest, well... I shouted 'Hey tramp!' and they turned around and said, 'Yes?' My advice to these girls? Marry rich immediately so everything is in place. If you meet someone tonight, leave the contest in the centre of it you dumb bitch."

Joan Rivers comperes Miss Great Britain

"I was helping myself to a bowl of haddock soup when the Minister for Employment and Welfare Reform, Caroline Flint, descended upon me and squealed, in the 'hand on hip just look at how important I am' way she has: 'Are you going to apologise, well, are you?' Her fishwife behaviour was very undignified."

Tory MP Nadine Dorries on her Dynasty-esque bust-up with Labour's Caroline Flint in the House of Commons tea room

SOMETHING I SAID?

"I've just had a magical weekend and I'm sitting with Kenneth Branagh in the garden drinking tea and I don't need to do this. You're as thick as pig shit."

Brian Blessed, friend of the Dalai Lama, seems to be searching for his inner peace during a telephone interview with one of Pandora's colleagues

"Perhaps you don't realise the full force. I will allocate a six-figure sum to my solicitors if this story goes out. I'm in litigation with the Telegraph, I'm in litigation with someone over a video on YouTube. This is a bunch of lies! Sneaky! Underhand!"

Dragon's Den judge Duncan Bannatyne gets his knickers in a twist when Pandora calls to ask him about the show's future

"They weren't MY fucking questions! I just read out what was on the cards. I asked two questions of my own, one about Burma and one about Darfur. I've loved Gordon Brown for 10 years."

The usually demure Mariella Frostrup has flashy eyes when challenged over her kissy-kissy "interview" of the Prime Minister at Labour's conference, admitting Labour staff planted the questions

ARTS AND CULTURE

"Daniel has such balls, he really does. In every way. Good on him, I can't think of something to make one more vulnerable than being 17, a male, having to strip off and to do such a hard piece. Psychologically."

Helena Bonham Carter admires Daniel Radcliffe's nude stage performance in the revival of Peter Shaffer's Equus

"The story of Wayne Rooney is about Britain's demented cult of celebrity, his love for sweetheart Coleen, excruciatingly embarrassing sex with a PVC-clad grandmother known to her admirers as 'the Auld Slapper', and The Curse of the Black Thong... John Sweeney shines a light on the shadowy characters surrounding the England and Manchester United star."

Or not. Sweeney's publisher, Century, lost control of its bowel movements and dropped Roo Unzipped when Rooney's lawyers got in touch

"Over my dead body! The City Beach is so noisy and disruptive that residents are forced to endure excessive and intrusive volumes of noise late into the night. The sheer numbers of people coming to the area leave vast amounts of rubbish all over the streets, including half eaten food, beer cans and condoms, not to mention the urination and faeces due to the lack of toilets."

A tin-hatted Tracey Emin objects to plans for a "City Beach" near her Brick Lane home

"Buttocks, dear. Male buttocks. In Becoming Jane there's lots of them. In very tight britches."

Julie Walters explains how the presence of co-stars James McAvoy and Laurence Fox helped her pen to scurry a little quicker across the bottom of the contract for the Jane Austen biopic

"He is a cheeky boy. He came over one night and I didn't recognise him, so I made him bend a spoon to prove who he was. He bent it and wrote his name on it. I've been stirring my coffee with it and the name has disappeared, otherwise I'd sell it on eBay."

Parliament Square protester Brian Haw rebuffs the advances of Uri Geller, who wanted to buy his Banksy placard

A STARTER MADAME?

"It was stiff, lying there on the floor with its feet in the air. An attendant picked it up in a dustpan and took it away into the kitchen. We will carefully inspect the contents of tomorrow's stew."

Hacks gag after a dead "furry friend" is discovered in the press gallery's canteen at the Houses of Parliament

"I'd be pleased if he's interested. On cycling trips you normally find one or two pheasants and the same number of squirrels. The strange thing with squirrels is that they are rarely completely squashed by cars. You just chop it up and put it in the ravioli with everything else."

The Roadkill Chef, Fergus Drennan, invites the Foreign Secretary, David Miliband, over for some carrion cuisine

NATURAL JUSTICE

"I was overwhelmed by a sudden excess of lava-like agony. The combined effect was like being tortured for information that you do not possess, with intervals for a very costly sandpaper hand-job."

In his bid for personal transformation, Christopher Hitchens visits the J Sisters salon in New York for a "back, sack and crack" wax

"When your wife makes $100m during your marriage, it's quite a shocker. I felt like my masculinity had been stripped from me. I feel like my bollocks are in a jar, like a Damien Hirst artwork on the mantelpiece."

Dumbo Texan oil and banking "billionheir" Matthew Mellon struggled with the success of his ex-wife, the Jimmy Choo shoe magnate Tamara Mellon

"He got about as far as the second row before being swallowed up. He didn't go down alone. He took a few with him."

Johnny Vegas's attempt at a crowd surf during a show ends with 18-stone of flesh hitting the deck

pandora@independent.co.uk

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