Piers Morgan's top 10 tips for Jeremy Clarkson after Top Gear sacking

The Top Gear presenter's former enemy wrote an open letter to him, packed full of helpful advice

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The Independent Online

As if things couldn't get worse for Jeremy Clarkson - sacked from the BBC after attacking a producer - he's now having to take tips on how to conduct himself and his career from Piers "Britain's Got Talent" Morgan.

In the lengthy open letter published by the Daily Mail, Morgan refers to the death of Clarkson's mother, his divorce and a vague reference to "smoking and drinking too much".

Likening Clarkson's departure to Morgan's own sacking from The Mirror in 2004, Morgan offers 10 gems of advice - ranging from the inspiring to the mundane.

Excerpts of Morgan's hot tips are published below, but Clarkson should be aware that he really doesn't have to follow any of them lest he start judging beat-boxers on talent competitions.

 

Skip the country

"Get on a plane, fly somewhere remote and hot, turn your phone off, crack open a few bottles of your favourite Rose wine, and lie on a beach (with your very nice girlfriend Phillipa) reading Keith Chegwin's autobiography to remind yourself how much worse your career could have been."

Stay open

"Don't accept any new job for a while. You'll be amazed at both who does and who doesn't ring with offers."

Remind them you're alive

"Issue a public statement confirming you're not actually dead. Many people will get confused and start talking about you in the past tense. Or put their arm around you when they see you, lower their voice to funereal levels and tearfully whisper: 'I'm so, SO sorry.'"

Don't lick self-adhesive stamps

"Do normal things again, like sending a letter. I hadn't posted my own mail for 11 years when I was sacked from the Mirror, so had absolutely no idea that self-adhesive stamps had come into existence until I tried to lick the back of one and it stuck to my tongue."

Be classy

"Avoid the overwhelming temptation to slag off your former bosses. It just makes you look petty and bitter."

Go for a jog

"Get fit. I know this will be total anathema to you but it's tremendously helpful to the process of clearing your head and making sensible decisions about your future."

Hang out at home

"Spend more time with your family. They are the only ones you can really trust at times like this and the only ones who genuinely care more about you as a human being than as a 'TV star'."

Ignore the haters

"Keep your temper when drunken louts mock you in the street. Let's face it, you've been one yourself."

Visit Stamford Bridge

"Go and watch your beloved Chelsea. Football is wonderfully therapeutic at times like this."

Stay in the UK

"Don't even think about launching a new career in America. Your teeth will never work over here."

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