Goldie: 'I was waiting with a shotgun, ready to do this bird's geezer'

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The Independent Online

Bikram Yoga makes me feel 19 again I used to go on tour, get shit-faced after gigs then pass out. Now I just perform, and the next morning I'm like, "Where's the nearest yoga studio?" Physically you see a lot of changes, but it's the energy I have that's so amazing. I did an early-morning session recently and Ozzy [Osborne] was there and I thought, "Who would have thought 10 years later we'd be in a yoga studio at 7am?"

Music was the therapy I needed to stop myself imploding I had a tough childhood; all I wanted was to be mothered, but I was constantly being moved from one foster home to another, always ending up at a new school as the misfit, so I ended up being angry, with all these scars embedding into my music.

My divorce six years ago crippled me emotionally I can't even mention her name; it's like acid on my tongue. I'd tried hard to show my mum I could get married and have two kids – but it was for the wrong reasons in a sense that I hadn't dealt with my issues of abandonment. So the past few years have been all about building myself up again. [Goldie is now married to the Canadian model Mika Wassanaar.]

Reinvention is the biggest gift I've been given I've gone from graffiti artist to jewellery maker, urban musician to conductor. If I'd just done music, it would have been different, as I pressed the big, red sabotage button when I got to the top; the record industry was trying to manipulate my music and I thought, "Screw this."

Your life can change in seconds When I was 20, I waited with a sawn-off shotgun in my car, ready to jump out and do this bird's geezer, as I was so wrapped up in her. In the end, the gun jammed, he walked past and in that moment I made a decision not to go through with it.

The most important message for gang members today is that you have a choice I understand the emotions that go through their heads, I've been there; all that testosterone and negative energy, thinking, "If anyone tries testing me, I'll fuck 'em up." With my son Jamie [who was sentenced to 21 years for stabbing a man to death], while I asked myself, was I doing things right as a father, ultimately he made those decisions, that's his journey. After it happened, he phoned me to say, "Dad, I'm so sorry this happened."

Hip-hop's message has become very warped When it first came along, it was like, let's forget all this gang violence and just dance and rap. It carried a massive political message, too, but now it's all about how big your car is and how many women you've had.

I felt like I'd kicked down the door of the establishment when [my debut album] Timeless became the first drum'n'bass album to enter the UK charts in 1995. Drum'n'bass is now part of the mainstream and with dubstep we've finally had a legitimate offspring that's moved the genre forward; people such as Chase and Status are doing unbelievable music now because they've never forgotten where they have come from.

Few people have given me an opportunity which is a big reason why I've done my new TV show [Goldie's Band: By Royal Appointment]. It's an amazing reminder of the power of youth. I went round the country looking for talented but disadvantaged young musicians and we ended up with an amazing ensemble of 12 wind, voice, strings and keyboard artists to perform at a royal concert. I DJ'd my first pirate station from a house I broke into in Haringey. When people ask these guys where they played their first gig, they'll be able to say "Buckingham Palace".

Goldie, 45, is an actor, drum'n'bass artist and DJ. 'Goldie's Band: By Royal Appointment' airs on BBC2 from 26 March