My Secret Life: Father Christmas
Saturday 22 December 2007
Saint Nicholas of Myra is the main inspiration for the figure of Father Christmas, aka Santa Claus. He was a fourth-century bishop in Lycia, in modern-day Turkey. Nicholas was famous for presenting gifts to the poor, in particular providing the three impoverished daughters of a pious Christian with dowries so that they would not have to become prostitutes. Today's Father Christmas is more likely to give presents of a Nintendo Wii or Bratz. That's progress for you.
I drive: an eight-reindeer-power custom sleigh with the optional flying pack: glove warmer, 1,000-watt jingle generator and, of course, ABS.
If I have time to myself: I ho, ho, ho.
I wish I'd never worn: red with white piping. I blame the Coca-Cola corporation. OK, OK, I sometimes wore red before they got me on board, but this corporate sponsorship nonsense really restricts my sartorial creativity.
You wouldn't know it but I'm very good at: overcoming the laws of physics and delivering presents to all three billion under-16s on the same night without causing the universe to implode.
You may not know it but I'm no good at: the Boxing Day comedown.
Movie heaven: Bad Santa, starring Billy Bob Thornton (what a guy!), or Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is the story of my life.
Comfort eating: stale mince pies, washed down with the odd dusty glass of Harvey's Bristol Cream.
When I was a child: I wanted to be Spiderman but the costume was too tight.
All my money goes on: Old Holborn, Lagavulin and Top Gear magazines. Oh, and presents for the little children, says my agent.
At night I dream of: lying by a pool in Antigua on 25 December instead of flying at near light-speed around the world, falling down sooty chimneys and being chased by dribbling labradors.
My biggest regret: not patenting the whole present-delivery thing before I died AD343 and Amazon getting all the profits.
The best invention ever: internet shopping.
It's not fashionable but I like: beards. I thought of shaving it off but it keeps your face warm up here during those cold Lapland nights.
If I wasn't me I'd like to be: St Matthew, patron saint of accountants. There's no travel and the money's better.
The soundtrack to my life: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer". If I had a penny for every time I heard that stupid song. Anyway, he isn't one of my eight reindeer. And whoever heard of a glowing red nose? Sounds like someone who was too fond of the old sauce.
As told to Mark Wilson
- 1 Nigel Farage: Me vs Russell Brand on Question Time – he's got the chest hair but where are his ideas?
- 2 Harry Potter fans can apply to the Hogwarts-inspired College of Wizardry
- 3 Jessica Chambers: 19-year-old woman 'doused with lighter fluid and burned alive' in the US
- 4 Russell Brand calls Nigel Farage 'poundshop Enoch Powell' in BBC Question Time debate
- 5 Orange Wednesdays are no more
Weather bomb in pictures: Storms cuts power for tens of thousands – and snow is on the way
Jessica Chambers: 19-year-old woman 'doused with lighter fluid and burned alive' in the US
Russell Brand calls Nigel Farage 'poundshop Enoch Powell' in BBC Question Time debate
Russell Brand was rendered speechless on Question Time by this man
Fury at Airbus after it hints the super-jumbo may be mothballed
Disgruntled RBS worker writes hilarious open letter to Russell Brand after anti-capitalist publicity stunt leaves him hungry
Shock poll shows voters believe Ukip is to the left of the Tories
Nigel Farage's approval rating hits 'record low' as popularity suffers in wake of Ukip sex scandal
Ukip candidate jokes about 'shooting peasants' in racist and homophobic rant
Pakistan school attack live: Taliban kill at least 132 children in 'horrifying' massacre
Germany sees 'visible rise' in support for far-right extremism in response to perceived 'Islamisation' of the West
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