My Secret Life: Jason Byrne, 40, comedian

'My secret crush? Clooney in drag'

My parents were... My mum is basically the mother out of Strictly Ballroom – an ex-professional, always has her hair done and smiles sideways at people. My dad is a stereotypical Irish dad, full of bad advice and misery.

The household I grew up in... I had a great time as a kid. In the Eighties you were all raised out on the street – we were on a big housing estate, out all the time.

When I was a child I wanted to be... a singer or in a band.

If I could change one thing about myself... My eyes – they're like pissholes.

You wouldn't know it but I am very good at... I did competitive running for years. Also, I'm very good at electrical work because that was by job before this. I would know how to wire a generator.

You may not know it but I'm no good at... I can't cook. When I present a dish to my wife it looks like it's tried to kill itself.

At night I dream of... I've been stabbed, shot in the stomach... I'm a Pisces, and Pisces have nut-job dreams. Terrifying.

I wish I had never worn... My wedding suit was a fucking disgrace. It hung off me like I was a coat hanger – my wife looked gorgeous and I looked awful.

My favourite item of clothing... My skinny jeans. Even if you don't exercise, ever, people say "You. Look. Amazing".

It's not fashionable but I like... I wear fleecy Marks & Spencer pyjamas in bed. I'm just like a really young granddad.

I drive... a Range Rover, which is very soon to be changed because they basically guzzle diesel like you've never seen.

A book that changed me... I never read. No books have had an influence on me.

Movie heaven... Aliens, Blade Runner, Star Wars – anything sci-fi from that era.

My greatest regret... I don't really have any; you have to keep pressing forward.

My secret crush... George Clooney in drag.

My real-life villain... My maths teacher at school. She was a nun and shit at her job. She can stick it up her fucking habit.

The person who really makes me laugh... our five-year-old. My wife wouldn't make him toast and he called her a dirty old granny – it was hilarious.

The last time I cried... When my son was born and, typical for me, it was "Oh, thank fuck that's over" – there's nothing more horrific than a woman giving birth. The woman's in the moment but you just stand there and think "She's going to die".

My five-year plan... I'm working on a sitcom for the BBC and a TV show in a Australia, too. But you're in the lap of the gods in this business.

My life in six words... Manic, worry, hope, children, homelife, travelling.

A LIFE IN BRIEF

Jason Byrne was born in Ireland in 1972. In 1996, he won the So You Think You're Funny? competition at the Edinburgh festival; he was nominated for the Perrier in 1998 and 2001, and is now the festival's biggest-selling comedian. His TV credits include Live at the Apollo and Channel 4's Comedy Gala, and his Radio 2 show won a Sony Gold Award for Best Comedy in 2011. Byrne is at Edinburgh, 1 to 12 August, and tours from 6 September. His DVD Cirque du Byrne is out 19 November. He lives near Dublin with his family

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