My Secret Life: Jason Byrne, 40, comedian

'My secret crush? Clooney in drag'

My parents were... My mum is basically the mother out of Strictly Ballroom – an ex-professional, always has her hair done and smiles sideways at people. My dad is a stereotypical Irish dad, full of bad advice and misery.

The household I grew up in... I had a great time as a kid. In the Eighties you were all raised out on the street – we were on a big housing estate, out all the time.

When I was a child I wanted to be... a singer or in a band.

If I could change one thing about myself... My eyes – they're like pissholes.

You wouldn't know it but I am very good at... I did competitive running for years. Also, I'm very good at electrical work because that was by job before this. I would know how to wire a generator.

You may not know it but I'm no good at... I can't cook. When I present a dish to my wife it looks like it's tried to kill itself.

At night I dream of... I've been stabbed, shot in the stomach... I'm a Pisces, and Pisces have nut-job dreams. Terrifying.

I wish I had never worn... My wedding suit was a fucking disgrace. It hung off me like I was a coat hanger – my wife looked gorgeous and I looked awful.

My favourite item of clothing... My skinny jeans. Even if you don't exercise, ever, people say "You. Look. Amazing".

It's not fashionable but I like... I wear fleecy Marks & Spencer pyjamas in bed. I'm just like a really young granddad.

I drive... a Range Rover, which is very soon to be changed because they basically guzzle diesel like you've never seen.

A book that changed me... I never read. No books have had an influence on me.

Movie heaven... Aliens, Blade Runner, Star Wars – anything sci-fi from that era.

My greatest regret... I don't really have any; you have to keep pressing forward.

My secret crush... George Clooney in drag.

My real-life villain... My maths teacher at school. She was a nun and shit at her job. She can stick it up her fucking habit.

The person who really makes me laugh... our five-year-old. My wife wouldn't make him toast and he called her a dirty old granny – it was hilarious.

The last time I cried... When my son was born and, typical for me, it was "Oh, thank fuck that's over" – there's nothing more horrific than a woman giving birth. The woman's in the moment but you just stand there and think "She's going to die".

My five-year plan... I'm working on a sitcom for the BBC and a TV show in a Australia, too. But you're in the lap of the gods in this business.

My life in six words... Manic, worry, hope, children, homelife, travelling.

A LIFE IN BRIEF

Jason Byrne was born in Ireland in 1972. In 1996, he won the So You Think You're Funny? competition at the Edinburgh festival; he was nominated for the Perrier in 1998 and 2001, and is now the festival's biggest-selling comedian. His TV credits include Live at the Apollo and Channel 4's Comedy Gala, and his Radio 2 show won a Sony Gold Award for Best Comedy in 2011. Byrne is at Edinburgh, 1 to 12 August, and tours from 6 September. His DVD Cirque du Byrne is out 19 November. He lives near Dublin with his family

Independent Comment
blog comments powered by Disqus
News in pictures
World news in pictures
UK news in pictures
UK news in pictures
From the blogs

Dish of the Day: Lily Vanilli’s recipe for making a human brain cake

A slight deviation from style this week and admittedly a bit weird, but at least I can finally say I...

Owen Howells: From the UK to Australia and back again (and again!)

Owen Howells is a DJ/producer who grew up in Australia but was born in the UK. He came back to the U...

Justice for sale but who pays for the cost?

Justice, the bedrock of our society is for sale under the Government’s latest plan to sell legal aid...

Dish of the Day: How to… make flower power cocktails

Take inspiration from the green-fingered brigade who have been showing off their creativity at the R...

       

Day In a Page

Johnny Marr talks relationships and reunions

He's worked with Modest Mouse, the Pet Shop Boys and Beck, to name a few, and recently released his first solo album. So why, wonders Johnny Marr, do people still hark on about The Smiths?
After the flood: From Haiti to Britain, one man has captured the devastation of our increasingly deluged lands

In pictures: After the flood

From Haiti to Britain, one man has captured the devastation of our increasingly deluged lands
Death becomes her: Meet the very modern mortician who champions 'cool' funerals

Death becomes her: A very modern mortician

Ever considered baking a loved one's remains into a cake or putting their ashes in fireworks? If so, talk to Caitlin Doughty, champion of the alternative death industry.
How long can the 'Keep Calm' trend carry on?

How long can the 'Keep Calm' trend carry on?

At first it seemed clever and cute. Then the 'Keep Calm' motif went mad, spawning endless offshoots.
The man who built Brum: A lament for the demise of John Madin's Brutalist Birmingham

John Madin: The man who built Brum

The architect's buildings were supposed to leave an indelible, futuristic mark on his beloved hometown but they are now being inexorably torn down.
School of chop: Learning the art of butchery at the Ginger Pig

School of chop: Learning the art of butchery

How do you butcher a lamb? Or make Mexican street food in a British kitchen? Christopher Hirst finds out.
James Pembroke: The man who's eaten everywhere

The man who's eaten everywhere

Few people know more about restaurants than James Pembroke, who only spent five mealtimes at home during his entire childhood.
A Berliner in 1963 – but did John F Kennedy once admire Adolf Hitler?

A Berliner in 1963 – but did John F Kennedy once admire Adolf Hitler?

The young JFK praised 'superior' Nordic races during visits to Germany
Banned Iranian director Mohammad Rasoulof to attend Cannes Film Festival 2013, his first public appearance since prison

Banned Iranian director to attend Cannes Film Festival

Mohammad Rasoulof to make his first public appearance since being imprisoned three years ago
Seeing the larger picture: Inspiring images of space

Seeing the larger picture: Inspiring images of space

An exhibition explores images how photography has shaped astronomy
Eat Spam and carry on: Wartime pamphlets could teach us a thing or two about healthy, thrifty eating

Eat Spam and carry on

Wartime pamphlets could teach us a thing or two about healthy, thrifty eating
Facial hair: Cat beards and the purrrsuit of excellence

Facial hair

Cat beards and the purrrsuit of excellence
The 10 Best salt and pepper sets

The 10 Best salt and pepper sets

Whether they're for everyday use or to make your dining table look just right, it's worth getting a stylish shaker...
Ferran Soriano: Predicting success if Manchester City 'vision' is followed

Ferran Soriano: Predicting success if Manchester City 'vision' is followed

Chief executive says trophies will come if a 'core' of suitable players is in place
Thomas Müller: We couldn't handle losing a Champions League Final again

Thomas Müller: We couldn't handle losing a Champions League Final again

The Bayern Munich forward tells Tim Rich his side have to shed chokers' tag after two recent final defeats