Personal Column: 'When the calling comes you accept it, move towards it'

It wasn't the path he had expected and his girlfriend of four years' standing found his decision hard to take. But when Brother Gabriel joined the monks at Worth Abbey he found a peace he had only dreamt about

Sunday, 16 April 2006

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I went to university hoping to become a computer programmer. I was a typical student. I went out with my mates; sometimes I worked, sometimes I didn't. I wasn't religious at the time. Having left home, there was no one to encourage me to get up and go to Mass, so I lapsed.

By the time I had finished the four-year computer science course, I realised that such a career wouldn't be fulfilling. So in 2004 I went home to Buxton in Derbyshire to think about what I was going to do. My youngest sister was going to a retreat in the French monastery of Taizé and she persuaded me to go with her. We went with young adults who are part of the Lay Community of St Benedict, which has ties with Worth Abbey.

I had been part of the community since birth as my parents were active members. Over the next few days the thought of becoming a monk took hold of me. This was disconcerting as monastic life definitely wasn't on my conscious horizon. But I thought about what it would involve - giving up worldly pleasures to follow God more intimately - and prayed about it. And at the core of my being I felt that this was what I was being called to do. The calling comes from outside yourself and you accept it and move towards it. For the first time in my life I knew what I should be doing. There was a powerful sense this would make me whole.

As this calling was coming I thought: "How? Why? I'm happy, I'm going to marry my girlfriend and life's going to be great." Our relationship was one of the most important things in my life. It made me into the person I am now. But I was forced to look at it and had to realise that it had naturally come to an end. There was no hint of this happening for her and she didn't take it very well. It was painful for both of us.

I went to see Abbot Christopher at Worth Abbey, who seemed quite positive and encouraging but he advised a period of testing to see whether this was a true vocation. I went back home and took the first job that came along. During that time I returned for monthly visits to Worth and discussed my spiritual and prayer life. I entered the monastery in May last year.

The community comprises three novices and 22 monks who run a school, a parish and a retreat centre. Worth Abbey was The Monastery on the BBC2 series last year. For the first five months I was a postulant, which is a permanent guest of the monastery. There was a structured timetable which included manual labour. That meant bailing hay on the farm that the Abbey manages, as well as studying. I wore my normal clothes, attended all the services and ate with the monks. The food is surprisingly good.

It was also a time to get used to letting go of worldly things. I had to give up using money as well as possessions. The only things I was allowed to bring in were clothes, books and my fencing equipment as there's a fencing club nearby. You also, of course, have to give up girlfriends. I'm transitioning into a world of celibacy and chastity which is going to take time to get used to and it's difficult. But I am celibate.

The five months were terribly rewarding. There's a freedom in living by another person's rule. You're free to be yourself and the community is very accepting. I then formally asked to continue and become a novice. The request goes before the monastic council and they make the decision. I was accepted, which was a relief. There was a service at which I was clothed in the black monastic habit. I felt happy and at peace. The novice period lasts for 12 months, after which you take vows for three years and then make your lifelong commitment.

I now sit with the monks in choir, rather than as a guest, and I am going through a more structured learning period. I also live within the main monastery, rather than the guest wing. The novice period is the hardest when it comes to restrictions. You have to start to learn to ask for permission to do things.

I find things difficult at times, such as having to get up at 5.40 for the first prayer service at 6.20. I still work on the farm, which is good because sometimes you need to let your mind rest rather than grapple with theology. Once a month I get a day to myself. I might go to the cinema, a museum or meet friends. I don't see my family as much as I would like to.

Like any community there are people who annoy you. And I'm learning how to live without female company. I miss it. I have two sisters and a lot of my friends are female so living in an all-male community takes time to adjust to.

But it's surprisingly easy just to enjoy life in the monastery. The point of it is to discover my true self and to deepen my relationship with God through prayer. It's fulfilling and safe.

We do have a laugh. The community is good at telling jokes. We have our little jibes at each other like everyone else. Sometimes we play tennis and there's a golf course. Sometimes we go to the pub, though that's not often. Alcohol is allowed in moderation once a week.

I'm loved. It's stimulating and it's an atmosphere that helps me grow. It's a great experience and I enjoy sharing that with the people who come to visit us, to share our sanctuary. I am privileged to be here. I would recommend it if you are lucky enough to feel this is something you are being called to.

Brother Gabriel was speaking to Julia Stuart. www.worthabbey.net