Richard Finch wouldn't be so withery if he'd seen Uncle Geoffrey with a pierced nipple and a whipper-snapper; Bridget Jones's Diary

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The Independent Online
Tuesday 22 April

8st 13 Yesssss! Cigarettes 15 (vg); alcohol units 2 (saint-style figure); minutes listening to 'Today' programme 4 (vg)

Ugh. Richard Finch says we are supposed to listen to Radio 4 before work but it is impossible to start the day in this manner as it is just hours and hours of the stupid game Just a Minute or whatever it is where politicians have to try not to say yes or no or answer the question. Must say Gordon Brown was vg at it this morning, though, managing to go on about European Currency without hesitating, pausing or saying anything, but all the time talking calmly and fluently with John Humphreys shouting "Yes or no? Yes or no?" like Leslie Crowther in the background. Buzzer did not go once. Wonder if European Currency is the same as Single Currency? In some ways am in favour of this as presumably we would have different coins which might be quite European and chic. Also they could get rid of the brown ones which are too heavy and the 5ps and 20ps which are too tiny and insignificant to be pleasurable. Oh God, should not have slept with Simon last week. Hmm. We should hang on to the pounds 1s, though, which are fantastic, like sovereigns, and you suddenly find you have pounds 8 in your purse when you thought you had run out. But then they would have to alter all the slot machines. Aargh.

10am Was bloody Richard Finch yelling, "Bridget. This isn't arseing Care in the Community. It is a television production office meeting. If you must stare out of the window, at least try and do it without sliding that pen in and out of your mouth. So can you do that?"

"Yes," I said sulkily, putting the pen down on the table.

"No, not can you take the pen out of your mouth, can you find me a middle- England, middle-class voter, 50+, own home, who is in favour?"

"Yes, no problem," I breathed airily, thinking I could ask Patchouli "in favour of what?" later.

"In favour of what?" said Richard Finch.

I gave him a quite patronising smile. "I think you might find you've answered your own question, there," I said. "Male or female?"

"Both," said Richard spitefully. "One of each."

"Straight or gay?" I Exoceted back.

"I said Middle England," he snarled witheringly. He wouldn't be so withery if he'd seen Uncle Geoffrey with a pierced nipple and see-through black nylon T-shirt in a pub with a whipper-snapper, would he? Hah.

"Now get on the bloody phone, and try to remember to put a skirt on in future. You're distracting my team."

Honestly, as if they would take any bloody notice, as they are all obsessed with their careers, and it is not that short, it had just ridden up. Anyway, I will show him. Hmm. Patchouli says it is in favour of the European or Single Currency. Which she thinks means either. Right. This will be easy.

10.30am Just spoke to Dad who was practically in tears. Have been trying to keep out of the way of home since Mum and Una brought this guy Wellington back from holiday in Kenya, who is a Kikuyu tribesman. Mum claimed she wanted to give him a start in life but I didn't like the way she kept patting his thighs. Dad would not have him in the house, but Uncle Geoffrey, surprise surprise, was more than keen to have him so he is staying with Geoffrey and Una.

"I suppose you want to speak to your mother," said Dad. He always does this after about 1 minute.

"Honestly, darling," Mum boomed out "The trouble with Daddy is, he's a Nazi. He's further right than Genghis Kahn. I mean Geoffrey's been in Rotary for years, and he isn't racist. He's been taking Wellington on little drives and showing him the pubs in Kettering. The other day they got stuck behind a Nelson Myers lorry full of scaffolding planks and we thought they'd had an accident! Daddy says he's got to go back because he's an illegal immigrant. Anyway. Una and I are not sending him back unless we accompany him. It's only responsible. But now I can't go so he'll have to stay."

"Er, why?" I said, wondering how I could bring this round to the European currency and wishing it included Africa, which presumably many African peoples fervently also wish, with their crumpled old banknote for millions of rupees.

"Daddy wants a word."

"She won't go," he said, wearily."

"Why not?"

"Her passport's expired."

"Well, they give you new ones," I said.

"Yees," he said. "The thing is, if you have a new one, you have to have a new photo."

Mum grabbed the phone. "It's just ridiculous, darling. I mean I look as old as the bloody hills. I've had another done in a booth and it's worse. I'm keeping the old passport and that's an end of the matter - but Daddy says the silly men won't let me through."

11.30am Larlar. Have got Mum to come on the programme by saying a) I will get Tom's Pretentious Jerome to take her passport photo and airbrush it and b) the Single Currency will help the African peoples such as Wellington, only not to mention that on the show as it is purely a Europe Special. And Dad says he will come on because he is in favour anyway, so that we won't become isolated, and also to get rid of Wellington. Am top-flight researcher.

Noon Bloody Richard Finch. "Oh sorry, love, we've dropped it," he said. "Didn't anyone tell you? We're doing the bomb scares. Can you get me a couple of Tory commuters from Middle England who can see the IRA's point?"n