Richard Finch wouldn't be so withery if he'd seen Uncle Geoffrey with a pierced nipple and a whipper-snapper; Bridget Jones's Diary

Tuesday 22 April

8st 13 Yesssss! Cigarettes 15 (vg); alcohol units 2 (saint-style figure); minutes listening to 'Today' programme 4 (vg)

Ugh. Richard Finch says we are supposed to listen to Radio 4 before work but it is impossible to start the day in this manner as it is just hours and hours of the stupid game Just a Minute or whatever it is where politicians have to try not to say yes or no or answer the question. Must say Gordon Brown was vg at it this morning, though, managing to go on about European Currency without hesitating, pausing or saying anything, but all the time talking calmly and fluently with John Humphreys shouting "Yes or no? Yes or no?" like Leslie Crowther in the background. Buzzer did not go once. Wonder if European Currency is the same as Single Currency? In some ways am in favour of this as presumably we would have different coins which might be quite European and chic. Also they could get rid of the brown ones which are too heavy and the 5ps and 20ps which are too tiny and insignificant to be pleasurable. Oh God, should not have slept with Simon last week. Hmm. We should hang on to the pounds 1s, though, which are fantastic, like sovereigns, and you suddenly find you have pounds 8 in your purse when you thought you had run out. But then they would have to alter all the slot machines. Aargh.

10am Was bloody Richard Finch yelling, "Bridget. This isn't arseing Care in the Community. It is a television production office meeting. If you must stare out of the window, at least try and do it without sliding that pen in and out of your mouth. So can you do that?"

"Yes," I said sulkily, putting the pen down on the table.

"No, not can you take the pen out of your mouth, can you find me a middle- England, middle-class voter, 50+, own home, who is in favour?"

"Yes, no problem," I breathed airily, thinking I could ask Patchouli "in favour of what?" later.

"In favour of what?" said Richard Finch.

I gave him a quite patronising smile. "I think you might find you've answered your own question, there," I said. "Male or female?"

"Both," said Richard spitefully. "One of each."

"Straight or gay?" I Exoceted back.

"I said Middle England," he snarled witheringly. He wouldn't be so withery if he'd seen Uncle Geoffrey with a pierced nipple and see-through black nylon T-shirt in a pub with a whipper-snapper, would he? Hah.

"Now get on the bloody phone, and try to remember to put a skirt on in future. You're distracting my team."

Honestly, as if they would take any bloody notice, as they are all obsessed with their careers, and it is not that short, it had just ridden up. Anyway, I will show him. Hmm. Patchouli says it is in favour of the European or Single Currency. Which she thinks means either. Right. This will be easy.

10.30am Just spoke to Dad who was practically in tears. Have been trying to keep out of the way of home since Mum and Una brought this guy Wellington back from holiday in Kenya, who is a Kikuyu tribesman. Mum claimed she wanted to give him a start in life but I didn't like the way she kept patting his thighs. Dad would not have him in the house, but Uncle Geoffrey, surprise surprise, was more than keen to have him so he is staying with Geoffrey and Una.

"I suppose you want to speak to your mother," said Dad. He always does this after about 1 minute.

"Honestly, darling," Mum boomed out "The trouble with Daddy is, he's a Nazi. He's further right than Genghis Kahn. I mean Geoffrey's been in Rotary for years, and he isn't racist. He's been taking Wellington on little drives and showing him the pubs in Kettering. The other day they got stuck behind a Nelson Myers lorry full of scaffolding planks and we thought they'd had an accident! Daddy says he's got to go back because he's an illegal immigrant. Anyway. Una and I are not sending him back unless we accompany him. It's only responsible. But now I can't go so he'll have to stay."

"Er, why?" I said, wondering how I could bring this round to the European currency and wishing it included Africa, which presumably many African peoples fervently also wish, with their crumpled old banknote for millions of rupees.

"Daddy wants a word."

"She won't go," he said, wearily."

"Why not?"

"Her passport's expired."

"Well, they give you new ones," I said.

"Yees," he said. "The thing is, if you have a new one, you have to have a new photo."

Mum grabbed the phone. "It's just ridiculous, darling. I mean I look as old as the bloody hills. I've had another done in a booth and it's worse. I'm keeping the old passport and that's an end of the matter - but Daddy says the silly men won't let me through."

11.30am Larlar. Have got Mum to come on the programme by saying a) I will get Tom's Pretentious Jerome to take her passport photo and airbrush it and b) the Single Currency will help the African peoples such as Wellington, only not to mention that on the show as it is purely a Europe Special. And Dad says he will come on because he is in favour anyway, so that we won't become isolated, and also to get rid of Wellington. Am top-flight researcher.

Noon Bloody Richard Finch. "Oh sorry, love, we've dropped it," he said. "Didn't anyone tell you? We're doing the bomb scares. Can you get me a couple of Tory commuters from Middle England who can see the IRA's point?"n

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
ebooksAn introduction to the ground rules of British democracy
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Massage Therapist / Sports Therapist / Physio / Osteopath

£12000 - £24000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An opportunity has arisen for o...

Recruitment Genius: Account Manager / Sales Executive - Contract Hire

£35000 - £60000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This industry leader provides c...

Recruitment Genius: Project Coordinator

£28000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Project Coordinator is requir...

Recruitment Genius: Area Sales Manager - Midlands

£20000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Day In a Page

John Palmer: 'Goldfinger' of British crime was murdered, say police

Murder of the Brink’s-MAT mastermind

'Goldfinger' of British crime's life ended in a blaze of bullets, say police
Forget little green men - aliens will look like humans, says Cambridge University evolution expert

Forget little green men

Leading evolutionary biologist says aliens will look like humans
The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: An Algerian scientist adjusts to life working in a kebab shop

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

An Algerian scientist struggles to adjust to her new life working in a Scottish kebab shop
Bodyworlds museum: Dr Gunther von Hagens has battled legal threats, Parkinson's disease, and the threat of bankruptcy

Dying dream of Doctor Death

Dr Gunther von Hagens has battled legal threats, Parkinson's disease, and the threat of bankruptcy
UK heatwave: Temperature reaches 39.8 degrees on Central Line - the sweatiest place in London

39.8 degrees recorded on Tube

There's hot (London) and too damn hot (the Underground). Simon Usborne braved the Central line to discover what its passengers suffer
Kitchens go hi-tech: From robot chefs to recipe-shopping apps, computerised cooking is coming

Computerised cooking is coming

From apps that automatically make shopping lists from your recipe books to smart ovens and robot chefs, Kevin Maney rounds up innovations to make your mouth water
Jessie Cave interview: The Harry Potter star has published a feminist collection of cartoons

Jessie Cave's feminist cartoons

The Harry Potter star tells Alice Jones how a one-night stand changed her life
Football Beyond Borders: Even the most distruptive pupils score at homework club

Education: Football Beyond Borders

Add football to an after-school homework club, and even the naughtiest boys can score
10 best barbecue books

Fire up the barbie: 10 best barbecue books

We've got Bibles to get you grilling and smoking like a true south American pro
Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - Junk balls and chop and slice are only way 5ft 1in Kurumi Nara can live with Petra Kvitova’s power

Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon Files

Junk balls and chop and slice are only way 5ft 1in Kurumi Nara can live with Petra Kvitova’s power
Ron Dennis exclusive: ‘This is one of the best McLaren teams ever – we are going to do it’

‘This is one of the best McLaren teams ever – we are going to do it’

Ron Dennis shrugs off a poor start to the season in an exclusive interview, and says the glory days will come back
Seifeddine Rezgui: What motivated a shy student to kill 38 holidaymakers in Tunisia?

Making of a killer

What motivated a shy student to kill 38 holidaymakers in Tunisia?
UK Heatwave: Temperatures on the tube are going to exceed the legal limit for transporting cattle

Just when you thought your commute couldn't get any worse...

Heatwave will see temperatures on the Tube exceed legal limit for transporting cattle
Exclusive - The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Swapping Bucharest for London

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

Meet the man who swapped Romania for the UK in a bid to provide for his family, only to discover that the home he left behind wasn't quite what it seemed
Cheaper energy on the way, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows

Cheaper energy on the way, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows

Solar power will help bring down electricity prices over the next five years, according to a new report. But it’s cheap imports of ‘dirty power’ that will lower them the most