Richard Finch wouldn't be so withery if he'd seen Uncle Geoffrey with a pierced nipple and a whipper-snapper; Bridget Jones's Diary

Tuesday 22 April

8st 13 Yesssss! Cigarettes 15 (vg); alcohol units 2 (saint-style figure); minutes listening to 'Today' programme 4 (vg)

Ugh. Richard Finch says we are supposed to listen to Radio 4 before work but it is impossible to start the day in this manner as it is just hours and hours of the stupid game Just a Minute or whatever it is where politicians have to try not to say yes or no or answer the question. Must say Gordon Brown was vg at it this morning, though, managing to go on about European Currency without hesitating, pausing or saying anything, but all the time talking calmly and fluently with John Humphreys shouting "Yes or no? Yes or no?" like Leslie Crowther in the background. Buzzer did not go once. Wonder if European Currency is the same as Single Currency? In some ways am in favour of this as presumably we would have different coins which might be quite European and chic. Also they could get rid of the brown ones which are too heavy and the 5ps and 20ps which are too tiny and insignificant to be pleasurable. Oh God, should not have slept with Simon last week. Hmm. We should hang on to the pounds 1s, though, which are fantastic, like sovereigns, and you suddenly find you have pounds 8 in your purse when you thought you had run out. But then they would have to alter all the slot machines. Aargh.

10am Was bloody Richard Finch yelling, "Bridget. This isn't arseing Care in the Community. It is a television production office meeting. If you must stare out of the window, at least try and do it without sliding that pen in and out of your mouth. So can you do that?"

"Yes," I said sulkily, putting the pen down on the table.

"No, not can you take the pen out of your mouth, can you find me a middle- England, middle-class voter, 50+, own home, who is in favour?"

"Yes, no problem," I breathed airily, thinking I could ask Patchouli "in favour of what?" later.

"In favour of what?" said Richard Finch.

I gave him a quite patronising smile. "I think you might find you've answered your own question, there," I said. "Male or female?"

"Both," said Richard spitefully. "One of each."

"Straight or gay?" I Exoceted back.

"I said Middle England," he snarled witheringly. He wouldn't be so withery if he'd seen Uncle Geoffrey with a pierced nipple and see-through black nylon T-shirt in a pub with a whipper-snapper, would he? Hah.

"Now get on the bloody phone, and try to remember to put a skirt on in future. You're distracting my team."

Honestly, as if they would take any bloody notice, as they are all obsessed with their careers, and it is not that short, it had just ridden up. Anyway, I will show him. Hmm. Patchouli says it is in favour of the European or Single Currency. Which she thinks means either. Right. This will be easy.

10.30am Just spoke to Dad who was practically in tears. Have been trying to keep out of the way of home since Mum and Una brought this guy Wellington back from holiday in Kenya, who is a Kikuyu tribesman. Mum claimed she wanted to give him a start in life but I didn't like the way she kept patting his thighs. Dad would not have him in the house, but Uncle Geoffrey, surprise surprise, was more than keen to have him so he is staying with Geoffrey and Una.

"I suppose you want to speak to your mother," said Dad. He always does this after about 1 minute.

"Honestly, darling," Mum boomed out "The trouble with Daddy is, he's a Nazi. He's further right than Genghis Kahn. I mean Geoffrey's been in Rotary for years, and he isn't racist. He's been taking Wellington on little drives and showing him the pubs in Kettering. The other day they got stuck behind a Nelson Myers lorry full of scaffolding planks and we thought they'd had an accident! Daddy says he's got to go back because he's an illegal immigrant. Anyway. Una and I are not sending him back unless we accompany him. It's only responsible. But now I can't go so he'll have to stay."

"Er, why?" I said, wondering how I could bring this round to the European currency and wishing it included Africa, which presumably many African peoples fervently also wish, with their crumpled old banknote for millions of rupees.

"Daddy wants a word."

"She won't go," he said, wearily."

"Why not?"

"Her passport's expired."

"Well, they give you new ones," I said.

"Yees," he said. "The thing is, if you have a new one, you have to have a new photo."

Mum grabbed the phone. "It's just ridiculous, darling. I mean I look as old as the bloody hills. I've had another done in a booth and it's worse. I'm keeping the old passport and that's an end of the matter - but Daddy says the silly men won't let me through."

11.30am Larlar. Have got Mum to come on the programme by saying a) I will get Tom's Pretentious Jerome to take her passport photo and airbrush it and b) the Single Currency will help the African peoples such as Wellington, only not to mention that on the show as it is purely a Europe Special. And Dad says he will come on because he is in favour anyway, so that we won't become isolated, and also to get rid of Wellington. Am top-flight researcher.

Noon Bloody Richard Finch. "Oh sorry, love, we've dropped it," he said. "Didn't anyone tell you? We're doing the bomb scares. Can you get me a couple of Tory commuters from Middle England who can see the IRA's point?"n

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
ebooksA special investigation by Andy McSmith
Life and Style
love + sex
Arts and Entertainment
Victoria Wood, Kayvan Novak, Alexa Chung, Chris Moyles
tvReview: No soggy bottoms, but plenty of other baking disasters on The Great Comic Relief Bake Off
Ashley Young celebrates the winner for Manchester United against Newcastle
footballNewcastle 0 Man United 1: Last minute strike seals precious victory
Life and Style
Tikka Masala has been overtaken by Jalfrezi as the nation's most popular curry
food + drink
Arts and Entertainment
Seth Rogan is one of America’s most famous pot smokers
filmAmy Pascal resigned after her personal emails were leaked following a cyber-attack sparked by the actor's film The Interview
Benjamin Netanyahu and his cartoon bomb – the Israeli PM shows his ‘evidence’
Arts and Entertainment
80s trailblazer: comedian Tracey Ullman
Life and Style
A statue of the Flemish geographer Gerard Kremer, Geradus Mercator (1512 - 1594) which was unveiled at the Geographical Congree at Anvers. He was the first person to use the word atlas to describe a book of maps.
techThe 16th century cartographer created the atlas
Arts and Entertainment
Stephen Tompkinson is back as DCI Banks
tvReview: Episode one of the new series played it safe, but at least this drama has a winning formula
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: UI / UX Designer

£25000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This firm are focussed on assis...

Recruitment Genius: General Processor

£7 per hour: Recruitment Genius: A vacancy has arisen for a General Processor ...

Recruitment Genius: Outbound Sales Executive - B2B

£18000 - £22000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A great opportunity has arisen ...

Recruitment Genius: Online Sales and Customer Services Associate

£14000 - £16000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Full time and Part time positio...

Day In a Page

War with Isis: Iraq's government fights to win back Tikrit from militants - but then what?

Baghdad fights to win back Tikrit from Isis – but then what?

Patrick Cockburn reports from Kirkuk on a conflict which sectarianism has made intractable
Living with Alzheimer's: What is it really like to be diagnosed with early-onset dementia?

What is it like to live with Alzheimer's?

Depicting early-onset Alzheimer's, the film 'Still Alice' had a profound effect on Joy Watson, who lives with the illness. She tells Kate Hilpern how she's coped with the diagnosis
The Internet of Things: Meet the British salesman who gave real-world items a virtual life

Setting in motion the Internet of Things

British salesman Kevin Ashton gave real-world items a virtual life
Election 2015: Latest polling reveals Tories and Labour on course to win the same number of seats - with the SNP holding the balance of power

Election 2015: A dead heat between Mr Bean and Dick Dastardly!

Lord Ashcroft reveals latest polling – and which character voters associate with each leader
Audiences queue up for 'true stories told live' as cult competition The Moth goes global

Cult competition The Moth goes global

The non-profit 'slam storytelling' competition was founded in 1997 by the novelist George Dawes Green and has seen Malcolm Gladwell, Salman Rushdie and Molly Ringwald all take their turn at the mic
Pakistani women come out fighting: A hard-hitting play focuses on female Muslim boxers

Pakistani women come out fighting

Hard-hitting new play 'No Guts, No Heart, No Glory' focuses on female Muslim boxers
Leonora Carrington transcended her stolid background to become an avant garde star

Surreal deal: Leonora Carrington

The artist transcended her stolid background to become an avant garde star
LGBT History Month: Pupils discuss topics from Sappho to same-sex marriage

Education: LGBT History Month

Pupils have been discussing topics from Sappho to same-sex marriage
11 best gel eyeliners

Go bold this season: 11 best gel eyeliners

Use an ink pot eyeliner to go bold on the eyes with this season's feline flicked winged liner
Cricket World Cup 2015: Tournament runs riot to make the event more hit than miss...

Cricket World Cup runs riot to make the event more hit than miss...

The tournament has reached its halfway mark and scores of 300 and amazing catches abound. One thing never changes, though – everyone loves beating England
Katarina Johnson-Thompson: Heptathlete ready to jump at first major title

Katarina Johnson-Thompson: Ready to jump at first major title

After her 2014 was ruined by injury, 21-year-old Briton is leading pentathlete going into this week’s European Indoors. Now she intends to turn form into gold
Syrian conflict is the world's first 'climate change war', say scientists, but it won't be the last one

Climate change key in Syrian conflict

And it will trigger more war in future
How I outwitted the Gestapo

How I outwitted the Gestapo

My life as a Jew in wartime Berlin
The nation's favourite animal revealed

The nation's favourite animal revealed

Women like cuddly creatures whilst men like creepy-crawlies
Is this the way to get young people to vote?

Getting young people to vote

From #VOTESELFISH to Bite the Ballot