The new version, written by Peter Waine, a recruitment firm director, sees Eeyore packed off to a donkey sanctuary and Pooh's famous balloon sponsored by Virgin. The characters all have broad Glaswegian accents and the text is littered with expletives. Mr Waine, 47, described his tale as: "rude but loyal to the original ... I think AA Milne would not mind what I have done," he said. "I don't think he would understand the fuss anyway."