Too much sex, drugs, murder and mayhem. Frankly Mr Bond, you're a physical wreck

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The Independent Online
James Bond, the world's most famous secret agent, has been dealt a blow he is unlikely to ever recover from, with claims that his hard-living, hard-loving lifestyle left him licensed to kill no one but himself.

Agent 007, the epitome of suave, sophisticated manhood, who was lusted after by millions of women and became a role model for millions men, has been revealed as a mentally deranged, physical wreck, who is probably impotent, and who never recovered from his trauma-ridden childhood.

An analysis of Bond's literary and early celluloid existence by a team of medical experts has laid bare a life that has left the man so badly shaken and stir-crazy that "M" should be informed immediately.

Professor Brice Pitt, of the Royal College of Psychiatrists, says that the death of Bond's parents in a climbing accident when he was just 11 left scars that could never be erased.

Bond's search for love led him to lose his virginity in a Paris brothel aged 16 but the seeds of the sadistic and anti-social murderous aggression were already in place. He murdered his first lover, the brothel madam Martha Debrandt, a year later.

Mike Berry, a forensic clinical psychologist, describes Bond at this stage as an "emotionally crippled Type-A psychopath who is suffering from post-traumatic and long-term stress". He says later repeated blows to his head and a reported bout of amnesia, suggest that he has permanent brain damage.

Dr Berry also questioned why it was that OO7 avoided close relationships, perhaps because he was afraid of getting too close to a woman and then losing her like he lost his parents. "This is a very unstable subject who is in desperate need of help. The way he bottles up his feelings and shows no emotions leaves him like a volcano waiting to erupt," Dr Berry says in the December issue of Men's Health magazine, which commissioned the Bond analysis.

Bond's use of amphetamines before an assignment - powdered Benzedrine in a glass of Dom Perignon 1953 champagne was his preferred formulation - would have done nothing to alleviate his underlying precarious mental state, Dr Berry and Professor Pitt conclude.

Bond's addiction to nicotine - he worked through 70 a day of a high tar, unfiltered brand - would have exacerbated his dangerous mood swings, according to Martin Jarvis, principle scientist at the Imperial Cancer Research Fund. His high-cholesterol diet and lack of exercise would have added to his risk of heart attack.

But, perhaps most frightening of all is the detail of Bond's drinking habits. On a typical day he consumed one "vodkatini" - a double Smirnoff vodka and a double Martini - a half-bottle of champagne, and a cocktail comprising vermouth, gin, and vodka. On a mission, he would add whisky, wines and a mixture of bourbons to the brew.

Andrew McNeil at the Institute of Alcohol Studies said this was "incompatible with being in the secret service and indeed incompatible with being alive". It could lead to shrinkage of his sexual organs, and impotency.

However, 007's sexual exploits appear to contradict this view. In addition to his visits to brothels, 007 sleeps with around 68 women a year. He never uses a condom, eschews non-penetrative sex, and is exposed to all manner of sexually transmitted diseases, according to Dr Caroline Bradbeer, a consultant genito-urinary physician. "I would expect that long-term damage to his testicles will mean he is now probably sterile and firing blanks," she said.

007's life in the fast lane

Goldfinger

`James Bond, with two double bourbons inside him, sat in the final departure lounge of Miami Airport and thought about life and death. It was part of his profession to kill people.'

"Room service? I'd like to order breakfast. Half a pint of orange juice, three eggs, lightly scrambled, with bacon, a double portion of cafe Expresso with cream. toast. Marmalade. Got it?'

Thunderball:

`He had a hangover, a bad one, with an aching head and stiff joints. When he coughed - smoking too much goes with drinking too much and doubles the hangover - clouds of small luminous black spots swam across his vision like amoebae in pond water.'

The Spy Who Loved Me:

`While I busied myself with the percolator, he opened his case and took out a small bottle of white pills. He took out two and when I gave him the coffee he swallowed them down. "Benzedrine. That'll keep me awake for tonight. I'll fit in some sleep tomorrow." '

`Suddenly there were two more hands washing me and a naked body was up against mine and I smelled the sweat and the gunpowder and I turned and laughed up into his grimy face and then I was in his arms and our mouths met in a kiss that seemed as it would never end while the water poured down and made us shut our eyes.'

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