Grandparents and divorce: 'We had no rights whatsoever'

When a marriage breaks up, grandparents can find themselves suddenly cut off from their grandchildren with no guarantee that they will see them again. And, as Clare Rudebeck hears, even the courts can't always bring about a happy reunion

Clutching the presents for his granddaughter, Ron made his way up the stairs. Rebecca was four years old now and loved dressing up. He and his wife, Margaret, had got her some clothes and a little vanity case with necklaces and bangles inside. He opened the door and a pair of expectant eyes looked up at him. "You are the only people who know where my granddaughter is," he said to the person behind the desk. "So, I am holding you responsible for getting these presents to her." With that he left the offices of his daughter-in-law's solicitors.

Margaret and Ron had not seen their son's children, Rebecca and Tom, for a year at this point. Their son, Gary, and his wife, Julia, had separated and Julia had taken the children away with her. They didn't know where she was living. "My biggest fear was that I might never see them again," says Ron, who is gradually losing his sight. "It was terrible," says his wife Margaret, from their home in Birmingham. "Every day I'd think, 'How are they?', 'Where are they?' , 'What are they doing today?' The family had always spent Christmas and birthdays together. Now, they had no idea whether Rebecca had even received their gifts.

Like many grandparents, Margaret and Ron doubled up as child carers for their children's offspring. They looked after Rebecca five days a week for three years while her parents were working. They were less close to Tom as he was only two months old when the split happened. "Rebecca would have breakfast with Granddad and then she'd sit on his knee watching a TV programme," remembers Margaret. "Then we'd play together. Sometimes we played shops or we went into the garden and went on the swing. Afterwards, she'd say to Granddad, 'Now it's time for our private talk.' And they'd go down to the garage and chat for half an hour." Ron retired at the same time that Rebecca was born and he credits her with helping him to accept leaving the working world.

Margaret and Ron had looked after Rebecca as normal on the day before Julia took the children away. "Julia came and picked her up as usual," says Margaret. "We said goodbye, thinking that we'd see her the next day." It would be 18 months before they saw their grandchildren again.

An increasing number of grandparents are cut off from their grandchildren by divorce, family rows or – more rarely – the children being taken into care. The Grandparents' Association, a charity set up in 1987, advises people who have been separated from their family members in any of these ways. Last year, they received 1,400 calls. "It's dreadful," says Christine Conroy, Advice Line Co-ordinator at the Grandparents' Association. "There are so many unmarried and divorced couples now that it's becoming a common problem. It's heartbreaking talking to these grandparents. Often the parents won't realise how much not seeing their grandchildren is hurting them."

Grandparents have no automatic legal right to see their grandchildren. Even though Margaret and Ron had been Rebecca's main carers, they found there was nothing they could do to regain contact with her. "We had no rights whatsoever," says Ron. "We went to a solicitors and spent quite a lot of money but, in the end, he said to us, 'Really you're wasting your time. At the end of the day, what the mother says is what happens.'" Legally, only unmarried mothers and married couples have automatic parental rights to their children.

As a result of their experience, Margaret and Ron believe the rights of grandparents should be extended. "I have the same strength of love for Rebecca and Tom as I did for my own children," says Margaret. She points out that she and Ron have had a strong positive effect on Rebecca's development. "Julia has done a wonderful job with her," says Ron. "But I think Rebecca has picked up some of our old-fashioned values and I think that will help to make her a better person."

The Scottish organisation, Grandparents Apart Self Help (Gash), also works with grandparents who are estranged from their grandchildren. The charity recently held talks with members of the Scottish Parliament's social justice committee to try to secure a legal voice for grandparents in Scotland. Gash is now optimistic that grandparents' rights will be included in a forthcoming family law White Paper. "We are not asking for parental rights," says Roz Peters, who founded Gash in 1996. "We want contact rights. It's a matter of the children's rights as well. What can they do if they want to see their granny or granddad?" In the meantime, grandparents are left to build their own bridges between the generations. Christine Conroy of the Grandparent's Associationadvises callers to go to court only as a last resort. "Even if grandparents do manage to get contact with the children through the courts, it doesn't always mean that they will see them," she says. "The parent who has custody can always make excuses for why the meeting can not take place and no court will punish them for it." Sometimes simply writing a letter to the parent expressing a desire to see the children will work. If not, families are advised to contact the National Family Mediation Service which has 60 centres around the country. This impartial counselling service aims to help families resolve their differences.

In January this year, Margaret and Ron heard the news they'd been praying for. Gary had gained contact with his children through the courts and a meeting was arranged. The couple were very nervous and decided to meet the children at a railway station in case the reunion went badly. "We were very worried about seeing them again for the first time," says Ron. "We were worried Rebecca would reject us or not remember us. But it was just the opposite." Soon afterwards, Rebecca celebrated her fifth birthday with them. "It was fantastic," says Margaret. "She had a few little friends over and we had a really nice day. It was really the turning point in my emotions. I thought, 'We're back on dry land again.'" In the future, Margaret and Ron hope to spend more time with Rebecca and Tom. They would like to take them on holiday again – to Jersey or to Margaret's sister's caravan in Ireland. But they take nothing for granted and stress that they are more than grateful to be able to see them at weekends. "It's always at the back of my mind that something might happen that meant we weren't allowed to see them any more," says Ron. "There'd be nothing we could do about it, which is a frightening thing to live with."

Some of the names in this article have been changed to protect the identity of those involved. Grandparents Association advice line (01279 444964); Grandparents Apart Self Help (0141 882 5658 or 01506 410 554)