Wednesday 01 May 1996
Richard Giordano, the chairman of British Gas, received a terrible hammering at yesterday's AGM, where one shareholder even criticised his pounds 470,000 annual salary. "You are paid that just for a three-day week," he was reminded by Tony Augarde, a freelance writer from Oxford. "One trembles to think of the damage that might have been done if you had been working full-time."
Our own investigations, however, show that British Gas has a secret and potentially highly effective strategy to tackle the problem of customer complaints, which have doubled since last year. Brian Simpson, of north London, tells us of his intrepid struggles to buy a cooker from British Gas. He was first obstructed by their shop closure programme; then, when he finally tracked down one of the last surviving showrooms in London (its address and number were apparently ex-directory), he was further frustrated, first by an assistant who denied knowledge of the cooker model that British Gas had been advertising the previous day ("They never tell us nuffink," was his helpful line), and then by workmen who told him he couldn't have a cooker in the space available, even though one had been happily operating there for half a century. The final advice from the showroom was: "I'd get an electric one if I were you." That'll cut the complaints.
On Wembley's green and pleasant turf
Connoisseurs of doggerel would be foolish to miss Over the Moon, a collection of "championship football poems" from Random House Children's Books to be published tomorrow. That's poems about championship football, in case you're wondering, not championship poems about football. Here's a sample, to be sung to the tune of "Jerusalem":
And did those feet, in flaming June,
Walk out on Wembley's hallowed green?
Britannia plays a welcoming tune
To host encounters European.
And did they qualify, the cream
of Scotland, Spain and Germany?
Did Jackie Charlton's boys make the team
To meet England or Italy?
That was from the bardic pen of Jimmy Hill (right) and may help to explain why the Church of Scotland has decided that "Jerusalem" is unsuitable for its hymnals. Well, they say William Blake couldn't score with an open goalmouth in front of him.
Fancy a top-up? Soon it will even be legal
There's good news today, something to bring joy to all publicans and their clientele. For the Government, in its efforts to cut back on red tape, is repealing a law that no one knew existed in the first place. Section 165 of the Licensing Act 1964, better known as the "Long Pull" prohibition, is confidently expected to be repealed today in the Lords as part of the Deregulation Bill.
For those not familiar with the 1964 Act, there is a section that makes it an offence to sell or supply to a person a measure of intoxicating liquor that is more than the amount for which he asks. In other words, until today, it has been illegal for a publican to top up a pint.
The honorary secretary of the Parliamentary Beer Club, Robert Humphreys, was bemused. "The law was presumably passed to discourage publicans from attracting more business by giving extra. I've heard of people complaining about a short measure, but to be prosecuted for a long measure is bizarre."
A thoroughly positive piece of legislation? "I'll drink to that," was his reply.
You're never old when you're a New Avenger
It's one of those far from absolutely fabulous moments in life when one's Eagle-eyes begin to wonder if it's time for spectacles, and one's feathers feel tattered. Was it really so long ago that we frittered away our youth drooling over the "New Avengers"? Joanna Lumley is 50 today. Happy birthday, Purdey.
Residents of Humberside: one of your towns has been officially renamed. From now on, it's Sconthorpe. According to America Online, anyway. The world's largest Internet server has been having a little problem with its filth-detecting censorship software, with the result that anyone attempting to subscribe from an address in Scunthorpe has the modem slammed down on them in a fit of prudery when they get halfway through the town's name. Would-be customers have been told that subscriptions from Sconthorpe would present no problem. As Mary Whitehouse bashers have always pointed out, if you're looking hard enough for four-letter words, you'll find them everywhere.
Like a bat out of hell, if that's OK with you
Marvin Lee Aday, better known as Meat Loaf, the frilly shirted, sweaty, larger than life soft metal supremo, is not all he seems. In an interview with New Musical Express the 45-year-old American singer reveals not only that he is unlikely to turn to drink in his old age - he is teetotal - but he has impeccable manners to boot: "I don't think of myself as just successful," he said, "I feel blessed and I thank the audience every night. Hey, it's only polite." He is also unlikely to catch CJD. Yes, the man affectionately known as "Meat" by friends and family is a lentil-eating vegetarian. According to legend, he acquired his sobriquet in his impecunious youth after winning a potentially suicidal bet to let a friend run over his head in a car. A bystander then commented admiringly: "You must have meatloaf between your ears."
- 1 McKamey Manor: This 'extreme' haunted house is the stuff of nightmares
- 2 Russell Brand says he will 'probably' give up acting to focus on his revolution
- 3 Watch what happened when food critics were unknowingly served McDonald's
- 4 David Beckham's Haig Club whisky is exactly what’s wrong with the Highlands
- 5 Ottawa shootings: Bruce MacKinnon's cartoon is the perfect tribute to soldier Nathan Cirillo
Oscar Pistorius was 'gun-toting', 'trigger-happy' and 'combustible' claims Reeva's mother
Eleven members of same family hospitalised after eating deadly pufferfish
Phone-hacking: The Piers Morgan connection - Mirror admits some stories during Morgan's tenure may have been obtained by illegal means
Tony Blair 'says Ed Miliband will lose 2015 general election'
Russell Brand says he will 'probably' give up acting to focus on his revolution
Of course, teenage girls need role models – but not like beauty vlogger Zoella
Cameron is warned 'no possibility' of UK reducing immigration and that bid to bring in quota on migrant workers would be illegal
Support for EU membership 'at highest level since 1991' with most Brits wanting to stay 'in'
Tony Blair 'says Ed Miliband will lose 2015 general election'
Thousands with degenerative conditions classified as 'fit to work in future' – despite no possibility of improvement
Putin: The US is to blame for almost all the world's major conflicts
£110 - £200 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Secondary Maths Teacher for spe...
£40000 - £50000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...
£30000 - £35000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...
£35000 - £40000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...