Here's your pre-emptive 'royal baby is born' story

It's a human!

I couldn't be bothered to camp outside St. Mary's Hospital, siphoning rainwater off a stretched-out Union Jack for sustenance, so here's a pre-emptive announcement of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's next human with blanks to be filled in when the time comes.

The nation rejoiced this [morning/afternoon] as Kate gave birth to a second child, [Prince/Princess Traditional Name].

Delivered at [time], the baby can look forward to a life of piloting helicopters and opening urban renewal sport centres that comes with being the little [brother/sister] to the heir to the throne.

"It's just wonderful," said Cheryl from Basildon, who had managed to wait patiently outside the hospital in Paddington for three whole years after the council agreed to sub-let her a nearby sewer.

"There are only four births every second in the world, so this is a really special moment."

Confirmation of the birth was provided by Clarence House on Twitter, which also called for calm and privacy while the baby is kitted out with a V-neck jumper and slacks and has its hair done before being introduced to the masses.

"What a tremendous day for Britain," commented David Cameron. "Under a new Conservative government we would hope to introduce at least 17 more royal babies."

At 2pm today The King’s Troop Royal Horse Artillery will fire a 41 Gun Royal Salute to celebrate the birth of the royal baby, while at the same time at the Tower of London, the Honourable Artillery Company will fire 62,000 rounds – one for every fridge magnet emblazoned with the baby's face being sold on eBay.

@christophhooton