Caring and sharing - the 12 ways of Christmas

1 Parent lonely

1 Parent lonely

In the middle of all the fuss and festivity, being in a stepfamily can mean isolation at Christmas. Sue is one of many parents in similar straits, on her own as her kids spend Christmas with her ex, Jack, and his new partner, Jill. Christmas can be a desperately lonely and depressing time for parents who've suffered family change. You can feel you're missing out if you're the one who has left and lost contact with children. Or you may be the parent who's been left for another partner and are now standing back to let the children visit this new family for Christmas. What's the solution? If you can't see them, talk to them. Use the phone or email to keep in touch. And treat yourself to the Christmas you can have with no one else to argue about what to do, eat or watch.

2 New partners cooing

Jack is still in the throes of new romance with his new partner, Jill. Parents' sex lives tend to be in the background in original families. When there's a new partnership, children, especially teens, can be riven with embarrassment at the gross sight of their Dad or Mum carrying on like a love-sick pigeon. They may be desperate to be with and enjoy Christmas with the parent, but hostile to the new partner. It's not necessarily personal - they don't hate them but their presence. All that lovey-dovey stuff underlines the fact that the original family has gone. Children often reject gifts and gestures from step-relatives for this reason. Help them accept a new situation by being sensitive to their feelings.

3 Families a'fighting

In planning Christmas, Sue talks to Jack and Jack talks to Jill, who discusses it with her parents. When it comes to the day, everyone complains and the children sulk for England. Divorce and remarriage are adult solutions to adult problems and seldom what children want. What they most resent is having no choice and no voice. Having your parents argue and make frenetic attempts to have you visit everyone involved, with no one asking you what you want to do, only makes it worse. When planning for Christmas, get the entire extended family, children included, to thrash out a working compromise.

4 Families demanding

Pat and Bob both have sets of parents demanding to see their grandchildren at Christmas. Now both are remarried, to partners with their own children who each have parents with their own agendas. It's fraught enough when you have to please two sets of grandparents; throw in several others plus multiple homes for your children and you'll either have to spend the entire Christmas holiday on the motorway or draw some lines. You can't please everybody so accept that some people may have to be put off until another time. Allow yourself to say no.

5 O-O-O-Old things

Sue and Jack's children fight bitterly with Jill's over what appear to be the most petty issues - whether to open everything over breakfast or spread presents throughout the day, what goes in or over the turkey. You need to understand the source of the hurt and the arguments. People aren't really arguing about the best time to open their stockings or whether you should have bread sauce. The real issue is that their family has changed and Christmas festivities underline that fact. Having two different styles only highlights their worst nightmare: that Mum and Dad and their original family are no longer together. In fighting over a tradition, they are fighting to keep their Christmas the way it has always been and they remember it. Be flexible and prepared to mix and match and let people do their own thing. But be prepared to talk over the issue that really hurts and is making Christmas so hard for them.

6 Siblings hissing

Jill's son, Ben, has four new step-siblings: the two children of his stepdad Jack and ex Sue, and the two of his father and his new partner. Ben also has a half-sister, the baby daughter of his father and partner. Children in stepfamilies are likely to have to adjust to such connections. It may provoke feelings of resentment, as a child with no blood link sees more of a parent then they do. It may prove dangerous, as step- or half-siblings take out their anger on another, smaller, child. It may bring families together, as a child who has felt alienated sees a baby related to them as well as step siblings as a bridge to the new family. Help them to adjust by not assuming they'll get on, but help them to make alliances.

7 Adults caring

Sue, Jack, and their respective exes and partners will spend Christmas doing their best to make it fun for the children. Being a carer often means you don't look after yourself. Give yourself a break. Make sure you're going to get at least one present you really want - buy one for yourself if you're not certain. And make a point of having half an hour each day when you let everyone else look after themselves and you do what you want.

8 Grandparents giving

Like Ben, children may find themselves with up to eight grans and granddads when their parents separate and re-partner. If they're lucky, all may be supportive, caring and fun. But all your hard work to bring the various children in your family together and help them feel welcome can be destroyed in a stroke if on Christmas morning one child is thrown a bag of sweets while a step-sibling is given PlayStation 2. You may have to be firm with relatives - and yourself - about favouritism.

9 Relatives complaining

Don't put it all down to stepfamily problems. The chances are there will be tantrums and tears and you may end up feeling you're incompetent and incapable. But every family, no matter how united, has rows and disagreements over Christmas. Don't blame yourself or the situation but accept it's all part of life's rich tapestry, and take steps to minimise the conflict.

10 Days of tension

A stepfamily Christmas tends to be 10 days with periods of sedentary over-indulgence in a pressure cooker interspersed with frantic travelling. Relieve the pressure by scheduling private time for everyone - let the adults go off and do adult things and allow the kids to see their own friends. Schedule some exercise, too, even if it's only a brisk walk round the block.

11 Stepmums a'leaping

Like most stepmums, Jill tries desperately hard to get it right and give Jack's children a perfect Christmas. Do the same and you're just courting hurt and resentment when your overtures are rejected. Don't try to do it all. Instead, expect everyone to pull their weight and make some contribution - even small children can lay tables and collect up torn wrapping paper. Be a friend, not a substitute Mum or Dad, to another person's child and you're more likely to be tolerated or even accepted.

12 Months a'planning

Plan ahead. Getting arrangements settled for who is going to be where and when is far more important than working out what time to put the turkey in the oven. Ideally, start the discussion as soon as this one's over!

Suzie Hayman is an agony aunt, Relate-trained counsellor, vice-chair of the parenting charity ParentLine, and a step-mother. Her books include 'The Relate Guide to Second Families' (Vermilion, £9.99) and 'Make Your Honeymoon Last' (Hodder and Stoughton, £6.99)