International Day of Happiness: Best jokes ever (possibly)

There's even one in the caption above

What better way to follow the doom and gloom of George Osborne’s Budget than International Day of Happiness? And what better way to put a smile on everyone’s faces than a list of the best gags known to humanity (possibly)? Let's kick off with one about the Chancellor himself. And if you, dear reader, have got any favourites, stick them in the comments below. Enjoy…

Osborne can stick his 12-sided pound coin. We need one made of rubber so it can stretch further

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

Two aerials met on a roof. They fell in love and got married.  The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant

Why was the mortgage so upset? Because it was a loan

Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment

Do you want to hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, jooooooooooooke.

The Beach Boys walk into a bar. One says to the other “Round? Round? Get a round? I get a round?”

Two dogs are walking along a street. They are passed by a third dog driving a lorry load of logs.
One turns to the other and says: “He started fetching a stick and built up the business from there.”

Two cannibals eating a clown, one turned to the other and said: ‘does this taste funny to you?’

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer

Why was the bee flying down the motorway with his legs crossed? He was looking for a BP station

I have a gravel path in my garden while my neighbour's is concrete. I think mine wins on aggregate.

So I just asked Siri: “Surely it's not going to rain today?”

She said: “It is, and don't call me Shirley.”

I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

Old Tommy Cooper joke:
‘So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'

A Higgs’ Boson walks into a church.
The priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs’ Bosons in here.”
The Boson says, “But without me, how can you have mass?”

Two nuns were driving through a Transylvanian forest when the road was blocked by a fearsome looking vampire.
“What do we do now?” the passenger asked.
“Get out and show him your Cross,” said the nun in the driving seat.
So the nun in the passenger stepped out onto the road, wagged her finger and exclaimed: “Get out of our way, you stupid vampire.”

Why was the writer in agony?
Because the sub-editor had removed his colon.

Confucius he say: 'man who seduces virgin on hillside, not on the level'.

What do you get if you cross The Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.

Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?’ Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’

A Centurion walks into a pub and asks for a Martinus. “Don’t you mean a Martini?” says the barman. “No,” says the Centurion, “If I want a double I’ll ask for one.”

Why was the black tarmac afraid of the blue tarmac…
…because he was a Cycle Path

The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

A Roman walks into a bar,  holds up two fingers, and says:  “Five beers, please.”

A police officer on traffic duty flags down a car.
“Sir, you appear to have 12 penguins in the back of your car.”
“That’s right, officer, I do.”
“Well that’s ridiculous – take them to the zoo straight away.”
“OK officer.”
And the car drives off.
Next day, the same policeman in the same spot sees the same car drive past – with the penguins in the back. He flags him down again.
“I thought I told you to take them to the zoo…”
“Yes, officer, and it was great – today I’m taking them to the cinema.”

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light."

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one

Met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs

They say being a hostage is difficult - but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
Voices
Homeless Veterans charity auction: Cook with Angela Hartnett and Neil Borthwick at Merchants Tavern
charity appeal
Arts and Entertainment
Strictly finalists Simon Webbe, Caroline Flack, Mark Wright and Frankie Bridge
tvLive: Simon Webbe, Caroline Flack, Mark Wright and Frankie Bridgeface-off in the final
Sport
Ched Evans in action for Sheffield United in 2012
footballRonnie Moore says 'he's served his time and the boy wants to play football'
Life and Style
A still from the 1939 film version of Margaret Mitchell's 'Gone with the Wind'
life
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
ebooks
ebooksA year of political gossip, levity and intrigue from the sharpest pen in Westminster
Extras
The Tesco Hudl2: An exceptional Android tablet that's powerful, well-built and outstanding value
indybest

News
Sarah Silverman (middle) with sister Reform Rabbi Susan Silverman (right) and sister actress Laura Silverman (left) at Jerusalem's Western Wall for feminist Hanuka candle-lighting ceremony
peopleControversial comedian stages pro-equality Hanukkah lighting during a protest at Jerusalem's Wailing Wall
Sport
After another poor series in Sri Lanka, Alastair Cook claimed all players go through a lean period
cricket
News
i100
Arts and Entertainment
The Bach Choir has been crowned the inaugural winner of Sky Arts’ show The Great Culture Quiz
arts + ents140-year-old choir declared winner of Sky Arts' 'The Great Culture Quiz'
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Finance Director

£65000 - £80000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Finance Director required to jo...

Recruitment Genius: Medico-Legal Assistant

£15000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a unique opportunity fo...

Ashdown Group: (PHP / Python) - Global Media firm

£50000 per annum + 26 days holiday,pension: Ashdown Group: A highly successful...

The Jenrick Group: Quality Inspector

£27000 per annum + pension + holidays: The Jenrick Group: A Quality Technician...

Day In a Page

Homeless Veterans appeal: 'You look for someone who's an inspiration and try to be like them'

Homeless Veterans appeal

In 2010, Sgt Gary Jamieson stepped on an IED in Afghanistan and lost his legs and an arm. He reveals what, and who, helped him to make a remarkable recovery
Could cannabis oil reverse the effects of cancer?

Could cannabis oil reverse effects of cancer?

As a film following six patients receiving the controversial treatment is released, Kate Hilpern uncovers a very slippery issue
The Interview movie review: You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here

The Interview movie review

You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here
Serial mania has propelled podcasts into the cultural mainstream

How podcasts became mainstream

People have consumed gripping armchair investigation Serial with a relish typically reserved for box-set binges
Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up for hipster marketing companies

Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up

Kevin Lee Light, aka "Jesus", is the newest client of creative agency Mother while rival agency Anomaly has launched Sexy Jesus, depicting the Messiah in a series of Athena-style poses
Rosetta space mission voted most important scientific breakthrough of 2014

A memorable year for science – if not for mice

The most important scientific breakthroughs of 2014
Christmas cocktails to make you merry: From eggnog to Brown Betty and Rum Bumpo

Christmas cocktails to make you merry

Mulled wine is an essential seasonal treat. But now drinkers are rediscovering other traditional festive tipples. Angela Clutton raises a glass to Christmas cocktails
5 best activity trackers

Fitness technology: 5 best activity trackers

Up the ante in your regimen and change the habits of a lifetime with this wearable tech
Paul Scholes column: It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves

Paul Scholes column

It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves
Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Club World Cup kicked into the long grass by the continued farce surrounding Blatter, Garcia, Russia and Qatar
Frank Warren column: 2014 – boxing is back and winning new fans

Frank Warren: Boxing is back and winning new fans

2014 proves it's now one of sport's biggest hitters again
Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton: The power dynamics of the two first families

Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton

Karen Tumulty explores the power dynamics of the two first families
Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley with a hotbed of technology start-ups

Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley

The Swedish capital is home to two of the most popular video games in the world, as well as thousands of technology start-ups worth hundreds of millions of pounds – and it's all happened since 2009
Did Japanese workers really get their symbols mixed up and display Santa on a crucifix?

Crucified Santa: Urban myth refuses to die

The story goes that Japanese store workers created a life-size effigy of a smiling "Father Kurisumasu" attached to a facsimile of Our Lord's final instrument of torture
Jennifer Saunders and Kate Moss join David Walliams on set for TV adaptation of The Boy in the Dress

The Boy in the Dress: On set with the stars

Walliams' story about a boy who goes to school in a dress will be shown this Christmas