International Day of Happiness: Best jokes ever (possibly)
There's even one in the caption above
Thursday 20 March 2014
What better way to follow the doom and gloom of George Osborne’s Budget than International Day of Happiness? And what better way to put a smile on everyone’s faces than a list of the best gags known to humanity (possibly)? Let's kick off with one about the Chancellor himself. And if you, dear reader, have got any favourites, stick them in the comments below. Enjoy…
Osborne can stick his 12-sided pound coin. We need one made of rubber so it can stretch further
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
Two aerials met on a roof. They fell in love and got married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant
Why was the mortgage so upset? Because it was a loan
Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment
Do you want to hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, jooooooooooooke.
The Beach Boys walk into a bar. One says to the other “Round? Round? Get a round? I get a round?”
Two dogs are walking along a street. They are passed by a third dog driving a lorry load of logs.
One turns to the other and says: “He started fetching a stick and built up the business from there.”
Two cannibals eating a clown, one turned to the other and said: ‘does this taste funny to you?’
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer
Why was the bee flying down the motorway with his legs crossed? He was looking for a BP station
I have a gravel path in my garden while my neighbour's is concrete. I think mine wins on aggregate.
So I just asked Siri: “Surely it's not going to rain today?”
She said: “It is, and don't call me Shirley.”
I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
Old Tommy Cooper joke:
‘So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
A Higgs’ Boson walks into a church.
The priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs’ Bosons in here.”
The Boson says, “But without me, how can you have mass?”
Two nuns were driving through a Transylvanian forest when the road was blocked by a fearsome looking vampire.
“What do we do now?” the passenger asked.
“Get out and show him your Cross,” said the nun in the driving seat.
So the nun in the passenger stepped out onto the road, wagged her finger and exclaimed: “Get out of our way, you stupid vampire.”
Why was the writer in agony?
Because the sub-editor had removed his colon.
Confucius he say: 'man who seduces virgin on hillside, not on the level'.
What do you get if you cross The Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?’ Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
A Centurion walks into a pub and asks for a Martinus. “Don’t you mean a Martini?” says the barman. “No,” says the Centurion, “If I want a double I’ll ask for one.”
Why was the black tarmac afraid of the blue tarmac…
…because he was a Cycle Path
The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
A police officer on traffic duty flags down a car.
“Sir, you appear to have 12 penguins in the back of your car.”
“That’s right, officer, I do.”
“Well that’s ridiculous – take them to the zoo straight away.”
And the car drives off.
Next day, the same policeman in the same spot sees the same car drive past – with the penguins in the back. He flags him down again.
“I thought I told you to take them to the zoo…”
“Yes, officer, and it was great – today I’m taking them to the cinema.”
A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light."
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one
Met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs
They say being a hostage is difficult - but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
- 2 Top Gear: Jodie Kidd, Philip Glenister and Guy Martin 'in advanced talks' to join show
- 3 General Election 2015: 14-year-old boy asks Nick Clegg – 'can you kill Katie Hopkins?'
- 4 University student in court for allegedly covering housemates' food in window cleaner and spit
In defence of liberal democracy
The Rothschild Libel: Why has it taken 200 years for an anti-Semitic slur that emerged from the Battle of Waterloo to be dismissed?
General Election 2015: UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power, Labour warns
General election live: SNP suspends two members for disrupting Labour rally
Schools forced to act as 'miniature welfare states' with teachers buying underwear and even haircuts for poor pupils
Andy McSmith's Sketch: Feisty audience is the real star of an enlightening show
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