Donald Macintyre's Sketch: David Cameron’s ‘magnificent seven things’ to stun the voters

 

After a week on the rack over Maria Miller David Cameron was finally able to relax with a nice easy task today: launching a campaign for an election on an issue over which his party is irrevocably split and in which it's widely predicted to come third.

Undaunted, he began his big European election speech with an upbeat message. “I'm delighted to be here in the light of such good news… “(What on earth could this be, we wondered)... for Manchester-those new Cathay Pacific routes between here and Hong Kong!”

Since we were at Manchester Airport, this was a good start. And to be fair he did everything he could to excite the party faithful: this was ”a once in a generation opportunity“; the Conservatives were up against “two extremist camps” (which may be all right about UKIP but is less than kind about his LibDem coalition partners, but then this an election) those that ”hate the European union Union“ and those who “love” it; normally he gave people ”three things” to say on the doorstep, but this time, so stunning was the Tory message that he had a ”magnificent seven things“ to confront the unsuspecting voters with.

Never mind that this was a lot  for the poor activists to remember, let alone for the electors to listen to before they slammed their front doors and decided like 66 percent of those eligible last time, not to vote at all. The main theme of all this-along with equally exciting slogans in the glossy new manifesto like “No to ever closer union!” and “Yes to turbo-charging trade!” - was that the Tories alone could deliver ”real change” in Europe.

Except that at least some of the Big Things that he was boasting about having done or promising to do involved not so much “real change” as “no change”. No to a European prosecutor.  No to a European military HQ. And, he explained, Britain had not only managed to get the EU budget cut “for the first time in 56 years” but it had stopped the Brussels bureaucrats from introducing legislation to make more difficult ”the extraction of shale gas“. (Interpretative note: the PM uses this phrase because it is considered not to have the negative connotations of fracking”, which is what it means.) 

He even claimed that “if you want to keep Britain out of the single currency and protect our interests - you've got to vote Conservative” because the other parties were “not sure” about it. Hang on though, Prime Minister. It's not exactly a risky bet that no-one else will be campaigning over the next five weeks  to join the euro. Not even that “extremist”, Nick Clegg.

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
News
ebooksAn unforgettable anthology of contemporary reportage
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Business Development Manager / Sales - OTE £45,000

£35000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company is a solutions / s...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Executive - OTE £45,000

£18000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Sales Executive is required t...

Recruitment Genius: Test Development Engineer

£35000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you inspired to bring new a...

Recruitment Genius: Trainee Motor Engineer

£14000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Day In a Page

Sepp Blatter resignation: The beginning of Fifa's long road to reform?

Does Blatter's departure mean Fifa will automatically clean up its act?

Don't bet on it, says Tom Peck
Charles Kennedy: The baby of the House who grew into a Lib Dem giant

The baby of the House who grew into a Lib Dem giant

Charles Kennedy was consistently a man of the centre-left, dedicated to social justice, but was also a champion of liberty and an opponent of the nanny-state, says Baroness Williams
Syria civil war: The harrowing testament of a five-year-old victim of this endless conflict

The harrowing testament of a five-year-old victim of Syria's endless civil war

Sahar Qanbar lost her mother and brother as civilians and government soldiers fought side by side after being surrounded by brutal Islamist fighters. Robert Fisk visited her
The future of songwriting: How streaming is changing everything we know about making music

The future of songwriting

How streaming is changing everything we know about making music
William Shemin and Henry Johnson: Jewish and black soldiers receive World War I Medal of Honor amid claims of discrimination

Recognition at long last

Jewish and black soldiers who fought in WWI finally receive medals after claims of discrimination
Beating obesity: The new pacemaker which helps over-eaters

Beating obesity

The new pacemaker which helps over-eaters
9 best women's festival waterproofs

Ready for rain: 9 best women's festival waterproofs

These are the macs to keep your denim dry and your hair frizz-free(ish)
Cycling World Hour Record: Nervous Sir Bradley Wiggins ready for pain as he prepares to go distance

Wiggins worried

Nervous Sir Bradley ready for pain as he prepares to attempt cycling's World Hour Record
Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Reds baulk at Christian Benteke £32.5m release clause
On your feet! Spending at least two hours a day standing reduces the risk of heart attacks, cancer and diabetes, according to new research

On your feet!

Spending half the day standing 'reduces risk of heart attacks and cancer'
With scores of surgeries closing, what hope is there for the David Cameron's promise of 5,000 more GPs and a 24/7 NHS?

The big NHS question

Why are there so few new GPs when so many want to study medicine?
Big knickers are back: Thongs ain't what they used to be

Thongs ain't what they used to be

Big knickers are back
Thurston Moore interview

Thurston Moore interview

On living in London, Sonic Youth and musical memoirs
In full bloom

In full bloom

Floral print womenswear
From leading man to Elephant Man, Bradley Cooper is terrific

From leading man to Elephant Man

Bradley Cooper is terrific