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Nevin's notes: 04/05/2010

An alternative take on the election

Katie Price stays mum

Ding! Yes, the bell has gone for the last lap, and you will be anxious for further information before coming to a final choice. Sadly, though, I'm beginning to give up on eliciting the voting intentions of the Katie Price formerly known as Jordan, despite having just received this message asking me to renew my subscription to her fan club: "I really hope you stay! Love and kisses. Katie xxx". The minx. I do hope, however, to confirm my suspicions that the Wurzels may well be hung; and there is also that story about Jack Straw and the ice cream van I promised to tell you. Four days!

Tory plans are a joke

Laugh! At last a party viral that's funny. It's Labour imagining a housewife up to her elbows in David Cameron's "big society", in the kitchen, catching up after a spot of lollypopping and light social work, and cooking tea for her daughter, just in from road resurfacing. The telephone rings: "Hallo," she says, "Parole Board?". Excellent!

Gove does a runner

Actually, while we're on the Big S, yesterday it almost tripped up Michael Gove, the Tory education spokesman, who has had a big campaign. But so has his questioner, Evan Davis, of the BBC's Today programme, whose chummy but deadly faux-naivety is a joy. Gove was in all sorts of trouble over the, how shall we say, sketchy-airy nature of the BS, but just managed to accelerate away into the sports segment. Next time?

Chris has crashed

But not for you, Chris Grayling, the shadow Home Secretary who made his B(&B) conditionally homosexual and now must lie on it. Office could be hours away for Michael and David and Ken and (possibly) George, but Chris has crashed. The new man for the Home Office is Jeremy Hunt, former culture spokesman, Britain's sexiest MP, 2007, and a Cameroony of such dedication that he is also expecting a baby. Actually, Jeremy is a very keen Latin dancer, which reminds me...

Blair to don sequins

Tango! Great news for Tony Blair, who, I understand, has been at something of a loose end since stepping down: an offer to join Dancing With the Stars, the American Strictly Come Dancing. This is Conrad Green, the producer: "Tony ... come and put some sequins on and have a real life". Splendid. It runs in the family, you know: I was watching Lionel still strutting his stuff just recently. He's had his political moments, too: he used to have a dog which he named Eric in tribute to another member of the clan, George Orwell.