Nevin's Notes: Fit for purpose

An alternative take on the election

Fit for purpose

Time now for the latest grave concerns that have been raised about the fitness of N Clegg to govern. 1. He is descended from the same 16th century Dutch count as David Cameron. 2. This means they are also both descended from William of William and Mary, better known as King Billy, the original Orangeman. 3. Clegg is also descended from Edward I, so bang goes the Scots vote, too. 4. And a Yorkshire grocer. 5. News is also coming in of disturbing variations in the answers given by Clegg to two similar questionnaires published in one of our so-called rivals, the first in 2008, the second at the weekend: more as I have it.

Dress dilemma

Cameron attended his sister's wedding at the weekend. Tricky one: probably not too wise, given the Tories' Trojan Toff policy, Bullingdon Club, etc, to appear in morning dress. So, morning dress and hats for the other guests; lounge suit for DC, hatless for Mrs C. Let's get the views of that critical constituency, Daily Mail readers. These were the first two comments online: 1. "I am tired of seeing Cameron dressed with white shirt, tie and dark blue business suit. He looks so snobbish all the time! Same old same old for the Tories." 2."What a joke - Dave is so concerned about his image that he wouldn't even wear a morning suit for his sister's wedding!" Hmmm. Thank you, Peter, Ali.


More on those questionnaires! In 2008, Clegg claimed to be happiest with "family and friends": in 2010, it's "in the mountains". Just which is it? Or is he only happy with family and friends in the mountains? Or vice versa? Again, in 2008, asked about what super power he would like, Clegg said: "To be able to breathe under water". Now, it's "Easy. Teleporting". Worried about floating voters? You decide.

Brown: Joke

G Brown has clearly acquired a new gag writer. In his now historic confrontation with an E Presley impersonator in Corby on Saturday, Gordon came out with this cracker, reminding everyone of his penchant for statistics by telling them that only 4 per cent of people believe Elvis is still alive. Excellent. I wonder if they're the same 4 per cent who in a recent poll thought that the parties were being completely honest with voters about their tax plans. Next!

On the stump!

And reader Mr Boaler has been in touch with news of his former MP for N Wilts, the Tory James Gray, the one whose interestingly interpreted approach to family values (adultery) almost led to him being deselected. I had been wondering myself about how some Tory candidates were managing with the party's leading slogan on the door step: Mr Boaler tells me he's heard Mr Gray handles it thus: "I've been your MP for 13 years ... do you agree it's time for change?". Surely not!

Clegg: More! N Clegg has changed his dream dinner party guests! In 2008, they were Bill Clinton, Christopher Hitchens, Cate Blanchett and Prince. Now, Cate's still there, but Bill, Chris and Prince have been deselected in favour of Johnny Cash and his brother (Nick's). The last time he cried, though, remains the same: "Recently, listening to music in the car". Crikey: watch out for him if you're on the road. And he tells the same joke. If you'd like to hear it, do let me know, but don't expect too much. Onward!

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
ebooksAn introduction to the ground rules of British democracy
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Appointment Maker - OTE £20,000

£14000 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An office based Appointment Mak...

Recruitment Genius: Healthcare Assistant

£7 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This provider of care services is looking for...

Recruitment Genius: Lettings Administrator

£16000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Purpose of Role: To co-ordinate maintena...

Recruitment Genius: Business Development Manager - Commercial Training

£30000 - £50000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The business development manage...

Day In a Page

Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea
Tunisia fears its Arab Spring could be reversed as the new regime becomes as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor

The Arab Spring reversed

Tunisian protesters fear that a new law will whitewash corrupt businessmen and officials, but they are finding that the new regime is becoming as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor
King Arthur: Legendary figure was real and lived most of his life in Strathclyde, academic claims

Academic claims King Arthur was real - and reveals where he lived

Dr Andrew Breeze says the legendary figure did exist – but was a general, not a king
Who is Oliver Bonas and how has he captured middle-class hearts?

Who is Oliver Bonas?

It's the first high-street store to pay its staff the living wage, and it saw out the recession in style
Earth has 'lost more than half its trees' since humans first started cutting them down

Axe-wielding Man fells half the world’s trees – leaving us just 422 each

However, the number of trees may be eight times higher than previously thought
60 years of Scalextric: Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones

60 years of Scalextric

Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones
Theme parks continue to draw in thrill-seekers despite the risks - so why are we so addicted?

Why are we addicted to theme parks?

Now that Banksy has unveiled his own dystopian version, Christopher Beanland considers the ups and downs of our endless quest for amusement
Tourism in Iran: The country will soon be opening up again after years of isolation

Iran is opening up again to tourists

After years of isolation, Iran is reopening its embassies abroad. Soon, there'll be the chance for the adventurous to holiday there
10 best PS4 games

10 best PS4 games

Can’t wait for the new round of blockbusters due out this autumn? We played through last year’s offering
Transfer window: Ten things we learnt

Ten things we learnt from the transfer window

Record-breaking spending shows FFP restraint no longer applies
Migrant crisis: UN official Philippe Douste-Blazy reveals the harrowing sights he encountered among refugees arriving on Lampedusa

‘Can we really just turn away?’

Dead bodies, men drowning, women miscarrying – a senior UN figure on the horrors he has witnessed among migrants arriving on Lampedusa, and urges politicians not to underestimate our caring nature
Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger as Isis ravages centuries of history

Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger...

... and not just because of Isis vandalism
Girl on a Plane: An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack

Girl on a Plane

An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack
Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

The author of 'The Day of the Jackal' has revealed he spied for MI6 while a foreign correspondent