The Curious Campaign Diary of Tony Blair: People seem to have got into a Right Old State

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Indy Politics

I can't believe how Well it's all going! Last Monday I went to another fantastic party. It was called "Let's Make Poverty History". Which is a Great Idea. There were lots of Young People there. Which was great. And lots of Black People. Which was great. And lots of TV Cameras. Which was really great. So I looked at the cameras and said: "We will work night and day to end the scandal of poverty in Africa." Then I had to immediately go off to do something else as I am always really, really busy.

I can't believe how Well it's all going! Last Monday I went to another fantastic party. It was called "Let's Make Poverty History". Which is a Great Idea. There were lots of Young People there. Which was great. And lots of Black People. Which was great. And lots of TV Cameras. Which was really great. So I looked at the cameras and said: "We will work night and day to end the scandal of poverty in Africa." Then I had to immediately go off to do something else as I am always really, really busy.

But the party was such a big success that I said we should organise some more. My suggestions were "Let's Save The Planet", "Let's Stop Wars" and "Aren't Old People Great!" But Alastair said there was no time before the election. So I've put them down on my To Do List of things to do after next Thursday. It's getting to be Quite A Long List!

On Tuesday we decided to move forward (not back) from our old slogan and launched "If You Value It, Vote For It". I told the guys in The Den shouldn't it be "If You Value Me, Vote For Me"? Then everything went quiet for a bit. Then Alastair explained that the posters had already gone to the printers. I could see by the way that everyone was avoiding my eye that they knew they had made a mistake. But I decided not to embarrass them by Causing A Fuss.

Then the next day Everyone started talking about The War. And I kept reading a word in the papers that I didn't understand. The word was "Integrity". So I asked the guys in The Den what it meant. And they didn't know either. So I put out a memo to all the people in the Government. Still no joy. Eventually Robin (who, for some reason, I haven't seen for ages) rang up and explained it all. It sounded such a good thing I decided to appoint an Integrity Tsar to sort it out after we are re-elected.

On Wednesday my son Euan had been reading all the papers and texted me: "Wht dd U do drng th W, ddy?" So I wnt in2 his rm & xplnd. (You see, I really do talk the same language as Young People). After he'd heard my Detailed and Reasoned account I asked him what he thought. He said it was: "Well Little Britain, y'know all, yeahbutnobut". But I didn't know what he meant.

Then after teatime on Wednesday the Attorney General's legal advice about The War was leaked. Lots of people got in a Right Old State! That's why I decided to release the documents and had the chance to explain very clearly how, even though the legal advice the Attorney General drew up on 7 March was 13 pages long, and the legal advice he read to The Cabinet 10 days later was only 337 words long, they were both really Exactly The Same! Basically I had asked the Attorney General if the war was Legal. And he said: "Depends". And I said: "On what?" And he said: "On whether Saddam has WMD." And I said: "That's OK then because I Unequivocally Know He's Got WMDs."

And That's Why The War Was Legal!

Which brings me to the other issue I sorted out this week. I Don't Tell Lies. A lie is only when you Say Something that you know not to be true. So, if you can only be lying when you say something, then if you Don't Say Something you Can't be lying! That's why not saying anything about the intelligence service caveats in the WMD dossier I presented to Parliament to justify going to war Clearly Was Not Lying.

Also if someone else makes a mistake, but you don't correct it, that's not lying either. So when before the war The Press got all carried away and said Britain could be attacked by Saddam's WMD in 45 minutes and everyone in the country got very scared but we didn't correct this Terrifying Doomsday Scenario, this Clearly Was Not Lying either.

It's because I'm so honest that the Question Time audience really warmed to me on Thursday night. In fact, Alastair said they "warmed" to me so much I ended up making "Tricky Dicky Nixon look like a fucking Sure advert". But I didn't know what he meant.

Love, Tony

PS: Vote Labour!

As told to Rohan Candappa, author of the worryingly unfictional 'The Curious Incident Of The WMD In Iraq'

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