Note: if you are taking this test while driving along, with the paper on the seat between your knees and a pencil in your teeth, glancing down between overtaking cars, you are disqualified before you start.
1. When you see the slogan "Don't Drink and Drive", do you take this to mean:
a) You shouldn't drive after you have had too much to drink;
b) You shouldn't drink and drive at the same time, as the bottle may get in the way of the steering wheel;
c) You should stick to drugs if you are driving.
2. If you are waiting at the lights, with a car in front of you, and the lights turn green but the car doesn't move, should you:
b) Hoot angrily;
c) Drive repeatedly into him from behind until he gets going?
3. If you hoot angrily at a man in front of you who won't go even though the lights have turned green, and this very big man gets out of the car in front of you and comes walking round to your driver's side looking very angry indeed, should you:
a) Lock the doors and windows;
b) Lock the doors and windows and dial 999 on your mobile phone;
c) Laugh and point at your passenger and then at the horn and then shrug, as if to say, "My friend here leant over and hooted at you - nothing I could do about it!";
d) Try and run him over?
4. Which of the following are current legal restrictions on a Christmas tree being carried home on the roof of your car?
a) It should not be standing upright;
b) It should not be rooted in earth on top of the car;
c) It should not have presents tied to the branches;
d) The lights on the tree should not be switched on.
5. If three roads lead to a roundabout, and a car arrives at the roundabout at exactly the same time on each of the three roads, which car has the right of way?
a) The one which forces its way on first;
b) The one which doesn't stop;
c) The one going fastest;
d) The one with the blue light on top;
f) The one driven by the man with road rage?
6. If you are stuck in a traffic jam on a motorway, which doesn't move for over an hour, and you get so fed up that you get out and start walking about, and you get talking to a bloke in a van who likes the look of your car, and he makes you an offer for it, and you are so mad you decide to sell it there and then, and he hands over the cash and you start walking home, and just then the jam starts moving again, are you still responsible for getting the car out of there? Describe briefly the reasons for the answer you gave.
7. A small animal or bird flies or runs in front of your car. You think you may have hit it, though you hope not. What would you do?
a) Do a U-turn and go to the animal's assistance;
b) Drive on;
c) Drive on, but looking anxiously in the rear mirror for that tell-tale little body lying in the road behind you until you run into the back of a big slow lorry in front of you.
8. If you run into unexpected flood water, should you:
a) Go as fast as possible;
b) Go as slowly as possible;
c) Keep to starboard;
d) Give way to older vehicles;
e) Hoist the appropriate flag.
9. Under what circumstances can a vehicle be licensed for the performing of the marriage service inside?
a) If it is a chauffeur-driven limousine used for church purposes and the car is held up on the way to the service;
b) If it is floating on flood water and you are the captain;
c) If it is a circus caravan.
10. If you drive out of a motorway service area filling station and realise just as you re-emerge on to the motorway that you forgot to pay for the petrol, what should you do?
a) Reverse back up to the filling station;
b) Drive like hell;
c) Hoist a big sign as soon as the police appear behind you saying: "ALL RIGHT, COPPER, I KNOW I FORGOT TO PAY SO SHALL I PULL OVER TO THE HARD SHOULDER AND GIVE YOU A CHEQUE, OR WHAT?"