A mock-heroic 2006

Few predictions for this year can be as sure of coming true as 'Newspapers and magazines will give increasing amounts of space to celebrities'. Hermione Eyre starts the ball rolling

To prophesy the future deeds spectacular

Of Peter, Kate and Jordan- and don't deny

We also want to know what beckons for McFly

So we turn to age-old methods, like the sages,

And find ourselves a-browsing web pages.

(No augury or runes or reading of tea leaves

Can tell the future like the great "Ask Jeeves".)

So first we query, who will aspire to marriage

And seek to rival Madame Andre's carriage?

Lance Armstrong strong of arm and fast in love

Will turn his Sheryl Crowe into a dove;

The actor Billy Zane will wed that Kelly

Off Love Island, that snog-fest on the telly -

But for a couple of such marked élan

We don't know why they chose to wed in Ham.

Though it was good enough for Farmer Giles

We thought the Seychelles more their styles.

But soft - let no man nor woman pick a hole

In the bliss of lady Tweedy and her Cole.

Their nuptials (in a Berkshire castle, by the by)

Will keep the tabloids going through July.

But that's enough of love in 2006

We want celebs' faux pas, we want the pix!

Who will, dead drunk, roll in the gutter?

Which chat-show host will start to stutter?

Whose dress will split right down the seams?

Which diplomat will spill the beans?

We can but spell "Hope" out by the letter

Glory is good but, oh, humiliation's better.

We like the coming girlband, Pussycat Dolls

But we love their alter ego, Pussycat Trolls.

So Google, pray, what is already slated

To leave our taste for Schadenfreude sated?

A "jukebox musical" entitled "Daddy Cool"

Starring Harvey of So Solid Crew - dear fool!

And for some soppy blather bound in folio

Look out for "Sven", a memoir by Dell'Olio.

Ye fans of literary prose are not forgot

With Loos and Price and Marsh, all hot to trot.

Their golden pens are poised, their heads are bowed

And scribblers Amis, Coe and Co are cowed.

What's this? My screen adopts a dark incline

And lightning rents the page: "Netscape online".

Ill things we see for former stars Take That

Their comeback tour may - sad to say - fall flat.

And quick! before the album, someone text her

A boomerang career is hard, Miss Ellis Bextor.

So now to lift our spirits, if we're able,

Let's look into the small celebby cradle.

Why who's the squealing little Scientologist?

(For rhymes like this, I'll have to turn apologist.)

And who's the baby, wise of face like Plato?

It's Apple Martin's little sis, Potato.

Ah, bless the child that's born unto a star

They know not how unlike us all they are.

And speaking of a woman born to power

What of that Carol Thatcher, late to flower,

But all next year, TV will be her sop

Like Hungry Hippos, up and up her head will pop.

All these dear predictions my screen it did provide

And laptop, too, until the damn thing died -

So hold your breath folks, through winter's gloom

Till with the spring the bonny Oscars bloom

And as new leaves will blossom on the bough,

Dame Church will rise to power, just watch how.

Then shall we see if this forecast holds true

Or if Apple's sweet sister is simply called Prue.

Then no doubt a cranky and righteous blogger'll

Point out that this poem was nothing but doggerel.