A mock-heroic 2006

Few predictions for this year can be as sure of coming true as 'Newspapers and magazines will give increasing amounts of space to celebrities'. Hermione Eyre starts the ball rolling

To prophesy the future deeds spectacular

Of Peter, Kate and Jordan- and don't deny

We also want to know what beckons for McFly

So we turn to age-old methods, like the sages,

And find ourselves a-browsing web pages.

(No augury or runes or reading of tea leaves

Can tell the future like the great "Ask Jeeves".)

So first we query, who will aspire to marriage

And seek to rival Madame Andre's carriage?

Lance Armstrong strong of arm and fast in love

Will turn his Sheryl Crowe into a dove;

The actor Billy Zane will wed that Kelly

Off Love Island, that snog-fest on the telly -

But for a couple of such marked élan

We don't know why they chose to wed in Ham.

Though it was good enough for Farmer Giles

We thought the Seychelles more their styles.

But soft - let no man nor woman pick a hole

In the bliss of lady Tweedy and her Cole.

Their nuptials (in a Berkshire castle, by the by)

Will keep the tabloids going through July.

But that's enough of love in 2006

We want celebs' faux pas, we want the pix!

Who will, dead drunk, roll in the gutter?

Which chat-show host will start to stutter?

Whose dress will split right down the seams?

Which diplomat will spill the beans?

We can but spell "Hope" out by the letter

Glory is good but, oh, humiliation's better.

We like the coming girlband, Pussycat Dolls

But we love their alter ego, Pussycat Trolls.

So Google, pray, what is already slated

To leave our taste for Schadenfreude sated?

A "jukebox musical" entitled "Daddy Cool"

Starring Harvey of So Solid Crew - dear fool!

And for some soppy blather bound in folio

Look out for "Sven", a memoir by Dell'Olio.

Ye fans of literary prose are not forgot

With Loos and Price and Marsh, all hot to trot.

Their golden pens are poised, their heads are bowed

And scribblers Amis, Coe and Co are cowed.

What's this? My screen adopts a dark incline

And lightning rents the page: "Netscape online".

Ill things we see for former stars Take That

Their comeback tour may - sad to say - fall flat.

And quick! before the album, someone text her

A boomerang career is hard, Miss Ellis Bextor.

So now to lift our spirits, if we're able,

Let's look into the small celebby cradle.

Why who's the squealing little Scientologist?

(For rhymes like this, I'll have to turn apologist.)

And who's the baby, wise of face like Plato?

It's Apple Martin's little sis, Potato.

Ah, bless the child that's born unto a star

They know not how unlike us all they are.

And speaking of a woman born to power

What of that Carol Thatcher, late to flower,

But all next year, TV will be her sop

Like Hungry Hippos, up and up her head will pop.

All these dear predictions my screen it did provide

And laptop, too, until the damn thing died -

So hold your breath folks, through winter's gloom

Till with the spring the bonny Oscars bloom

And as new leaves will blossom on the bough,

Dame Church will rise to power, just watch how.

Then shall we see if this forecast holds true

Or if Apple's sweet sister is simply called Prue.

Then no doubt a cranky and righteous blogger'll

Point out that this poem was nothing but doggerel.

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
ebooks
ebooksAn introduction to the ground rules of British democracy
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Area Sales Manager - Midlands

£20000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: PHP Developer - 3-4 Month Fixed Contract - £30-£35k pro rata

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a 3-4 month pro rata fi...

Recruitment Genius: Telesales Executive - OTE £26,000+

£16000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Telesales Executive is requir...

Recruitment Genius: Area Sales Manager

£25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity to join ...

Day In a Page

Seifeddine Rezgui: What motivated a shy student to kill 38 holidaymakers in Tunisia?

Making of a killer

What motivated a shy student to kill 38 holidaymakers in Tunisia?
UK Heatwave: Temperatures on the tube are going to exceed the legal limit for transporting cattle

Just when you thought your commute couldn't get any worse...

Heatwave will see temperatures on the Tube exceed legal limit for transporting cattle
Exclusive - The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Swapping Bucharest for London

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

Meet the man who swapped Romania for the UK in a bid to provide for his family, only to discover that the home he left behind wasn't quite what it seemed
Cheaper energy on the way, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows

Cheaper energy on the way, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows

Solar power will help bring down electricity prices over the next five years, according to a new report. But it’s cheap imports of ‘dirty power’ that will lower them the most
Katy Perry prevented from buying California convent for $14.5m after nuns sell to local businesswoman instead

No grace of God for Katy Perry as sisters act to stop her buying convent

Archdiocese sues nuns who turned down star’s $14.5m because they don’t approve of her
Ajmer: The ancient Indian metropolis chosen to be a 'smart city' where residents would just be happy to have power and running water

Residents just want water and power in a city chosen to be a ‘smart’ metropolis

The Indian Government has launched an ambitious plan to transform 100 of its crumbling cities
Michael Fassbender in 'Macbeth': The Scottish play on film, from Welles to Cheggers

Something wicked?

Films of Macbeth don’t always end well - just ask Orson Welles... and Keith Chegwin
10 best sun creams for body

10 best sun creams for body

Make sure you’re protected from head to toe in the heatwave
Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - Milos Raonic has ability to get to the top but he must learn to handle pressure in big games

Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon files

Milos Raonic has ability to get to the top but he must learn to handle pressure in big games
Women's World Cup 2015: How England's semi-final success could do wonders for both sexes

There is more than a shiny trophy to be won by England’s World Cup women

The success of the decidedly non-famous females wearing the Three Lions could do wonders for a ‘man’s game’ riddled with cynicism and greed
How to stop an asteroid hitting Earth: Would people co-operate to face down a global peril?

How to stop an asteroid hitting Earth

Would people cooperate to face a global peril?
Just one day to find €1.6bn: Greece edges nearer euro exit

One day to find €1.6bn

Greece is edging inexorably towards an exit from the euro
New 'Iron Man' augmented reality technology could help surgeons and firefighters, say scientists

'Iron Man' augmented reality technology could become reality

Holographic projections would provide extra information on objects in a person's visual field in real time
Sugary drinks 'are killing 184,000 adults around the world every year'

Sugary drinks are killing 184,000 adults around the world every year

The drinks that should be eliminated from people's diets
Pride of Place: Historians map out untold LGBT histories of locations throughout UK

Historians map out untold LGBT histories

Public are being asked to help improve the map