I am writing to you from the future, 2019 to be exact. Being able to contact you from the future is one of the many exciting features available in Microsoft Office 2010, which was just released.
No doubt you are too well aware of the recent tragedy of your time; the disturbing news that would have shocked, hurt and humbled many of you: the fact that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston called it quits. It's an amazing wake-up call to the world to understand the fact that absolutely no one seems to get the happy-ever-after anymore, be they kings or less than kings - such as blacksmiths or people who collect money on the motorway.
The demise of any celebrity union is troubling because celebrities are very, very important and set the standards to which the rest of us aspire to live our lives. We expect a lot from our celebrities. They are better than we are because they have better jobs and eat better food and people care what they did last Thursday. We expect their relationships and love lives to be much better than ours. That's why whenever our modern gods part ways we find ourselves so hurt and torn, barely able to turn the pages of our glossy magazines. The demise of every highly-publicised, over-photographed celebrity relationship fills us with anguish and self doubt. If a sexy, dwarven superstar such as Tom Cruise can't stay in love and married to a gorgeous and scary perfume mega-pitchwoman such as Nicole Kidman, how can simple commoners like us expected to stay in love and married?
But it's tremendously important that you realise that, despite the occasional setback here and there, love is indeed real and truly a many splendoured thing, as that movie once said. I want you to be aware of that during these hard times (by which I mean your hard times because I am in the future as I've mentioned before and times really aren't that hard, thanks to all the robots). Although it must seem to many of you that celebrities in your time are impulsive nitwits who treat the decision to marry with the same gravity as the selection of tea biscuits for a mediocre friend's social gathering, please rest assured that for every thirty or so foolhardy nuptials, one or less actually sticks.
Those are the marriages that should be inspirational to us all. That is why I have taken the time to contact you from the future, which, as you should be well aware by now, is where I am located. I am hoping that my words will have the effect of easing your pain about Brad and Jennifer so that you'll be able to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with your daily activities (or weekly, if you're very lazy). I want you to know that it's not all as bad as it may seem.
Firstly, you'll be happy to hear Britney Spears-Federline and her husband Kevin Federline-Spears have weathered 15 years of criticism remarkably well. In fact, they were unwilling to let anyone get in the way of their happiness and I can tell you that the couple is still quite happily married with eight lovely children: Spa, Tonic, Biffin, Cancel, Appricot [sic], Weatherman, John and Pending. They have the largest mobile home in the state, and Britney still puts on a great show (when her shattered hips allow).
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are stronger than ever, which should come as no surprise to any of you who saw the many press releases that chronicled the blossoming of their love. Although the duo had wanted children, female biology coupled with temporal realities made that an impossibility. No matter, though, their love for each other was able to overcome that obstacle and the two spend every waking moment together - about six hours a day because Demi must nap frequently. Ashton wheels his beloved anywhere she wants to go without complaint, which would be pointless because her hearing went a few years ago. When they kiss, there is an electricity in the air, caused in part by Demi's polyester gown.
And then there's Prince William, whose unexpected 2008 union with Paris Hilton proved that, in affairs of the heart, all bets are off. The couple is a fixture at the trendiest London nightclubs, radiating love and other things wherever they go. Her see-through skirt at the coronation of King Charles won the hearts and minds of the male and lesbian British public - so much so that they demanded she cut the ribbon at the 2010 re-opening of Diana's fountain. Indeed, ever since the tragic loss of Lady Di, the public had been yearning for another woman of class, culture, beauty and refinement. Until that day comes, Paris will do, because she entertains the masses by wearing half-shirts with grammatical errors on them. Lynne Truss has tried to kill her thrice.
You should be prepared for the fact that relationship failures do and always will outweigh the successes. That's because failing is easier than succeeding - just ask the producers of Taboo. For that reason, I think it's important that I share with you a few of the sadder stories.
Jennifer Lopez, I'm afraid, has become the Elizabeth Taylor of the 21st century. Her marriage to the singer Marc Anthony lasted only a few weeks, but long enough to tide her over until she met the love of her life, Eric Prydz. That marriage lasted about as long as "Call On Me" did. Her subsequent marriage to her manager was virulently opposed by her publicist, who also married her until she left him for her stylist. When that marriage failed, she found solace only in herself, whom she married in 2012 and left eight days later.
I wish I could tell you good news about Posh and Becks but I can't because people stopped caring in 2009 and the couple dropped from the radar. The last reported sighting of Beckham was a few years ago in an open-air market in Paraguay. He was at a melon vendor's stall, which he manages. According to a 2013 issue of Hello! Posh was last seen begging for an upgrade at the Lufthansa ticket desk before boarding a flight to oblivion.
And so, from my position here in the future, I hope I was able to provide you with some inspiration - a light at the end of the tunnel as it were. Brad and Jennifer may not have made it through the woods, but many celebrities do and many celebrities will. You will certainly face high points and low points, but as you progress through your timeline, it's important to ignore the disasters (Prince Harry and Lisa Marie Presley) and focus on the true love stories (Heidi Klum and Seal). I can say with confidence that though the seas of love are stormy, there is hope for all of us. At least until the neo-plague of 2011.
Also, in parting, I'd like to offer you a few morsels of insight based on the knowledge I have, being from the future and all. The EU runs out of excuses to keep Turkey out in 2012. None of the members of O-Zone ever kiss a girl. And it turns out Bono was indeed the Second Coming, so please take him more seriously.
With regards from the future, BrianReuse content