'Hamlet' at The Globe
A prince's prospective bride drowns, after the prince has killed her father, and soon before he wipes out his mother, his uncle and himself in perhaps Shakespeare's most celebrated bloodbath. Hamlet may be the soul of British drama, but there's no better theatrical antidote to monarchy. This touring production is directed by Dominic Dromgoole, the artistic director of Shakespeare's Globe, and there's a performance there on Friday evening (though it's still on, for wedding fans, until 9 July).
Which is more romantic: a royal wedding, or man's quest to the stars? Thanks to a traffic jam at the International Space Station (a Russian cargo ship is planning to be up there at the same time) the final launch of the Endeavour space shuttle – and the penultimate flight of the shuttle programme – has been delayed until 29 April, meaning the more scientifically minded can avoid the royal wedding broadcasts and tune into Nasa TV.
Olly Murs Tour
Poor old Olly Murs, always the bridesmaid. The X Factor runner-up's national tour begins in sunny Margate on Friday, which means that many of his natural constituency could be caught up at a local street party. One hopes, at least, that he'll dedicate his sole number one single, "Please Don't Let Me Go" to the newlyweds.
Trekking in Nepal
Nepal may be about as far as you can get from coverage of Kate and Wills' big day, and is an appropriate destination for Republicans for another reason: it is the most recent country to abolish its monarchy in May 2008. You're sure to find a few sympathetic ears for your anti-royal rant here.
Cricket at Lord's
What could be more English than the Royal Family? Well, quite a few things, given that they're a bit German and another bit Greek. But especially cricket. Lord's Cricket Ground – where Middlesex face Surrey – will echo with the crack of leather meeting willow. Pack the Pimm's.
Kenneth Branagh's blockbuster movie adaptation of Thor opens this week. In the original comic-book version of the tale, the hammer-wielding God of Norse legend was cast out of Valhalla by his father Odin, who thought the young prince ought to learn a few things in the real world. Branagh's version has more explosions (probably) and Natalie Portman: more fun, for some, than watching Kate trundle up the aisle.
Cheltenham Jazz Festival
One of the most popular jazz festivals in the country, the Cheltenham Jazz Festival is the perfect tonic for those who prefer trumpets to church organs. Among the acts due to perform on Friday are the guitarist Kyle Eastwood (son of Clint), the singer Gwyneth Herbert and The Horne Section, whose jazz-infused comedy set features the talents of telly poet Tim Key. Doubtless there'll be some improvised riffs on a royal wedding theme.
Spirit of Speyside Whisky Festival
The Speyside Whisky Festival takes place each year in stunning Highland surroundings close to Aviemore, and before the hordes of summer tourists descend. Of course, the schedule overflows with whisky tastings and distillery tours, but there are also arts and crafts, musical performances and even a chance to ride on "The Whisky Line" railway, which links the World's Malt Whisky Capital, Dufftown, to the market town of Keith. For wedding revellers, the festival ends on 2 May.
Save the Frogs Day
Friday, believe it or not, marks the third annual worldwide Save The Frogs Day – "the world's largest day of amphibian education and conservation action." The main event is in Washington DC, but organisers encourage people across the globe to generate their own frog-saving event. A Save the Frogs street party, maybe? But no jokes about princesses and frogs, please – the groom's father has heard them all before.
Real Street Food Festival
If you like the idea of the street parties more than that of the wedding itself, sample the Real Street Food festival on London's South Bank, which is on all weekend. Among the top-notch stalls are the Choc Star stall, vending its versions of every chocolate dish in the canon, from brownies to milkshakes; and seasonal, ethically sourced snacks from the straightforwardly named Healthy Yummies. Yes, there'll be burgers, but not your average greasy baps: try either the Indian spiced-and-wrapped "Bhrangra burgers", or the meaty masterpieces from the now-legendary "Meateasy" van.
Scottish Baby and Toddler Show
Assuming they're keen to conjure a brood of little princes and princesses in the near future, Kate and Wills could do worse than send an emissary to Glasgow for the biggest baby event in Scotland. Clothes, toys, food, children's party organisers and educational aids are just waiting for your little darlings. The wedding will, apparently, be screened in the catering area, to give you that authentic baby-crying-at-the-back-of-the-church effect.
A Long Walk
For once, Windsor Great Park ought to be relatively quiet for a bank holiday, since most of the local residents will be at the Abbey. Of course, there's no shortage of National Parks to make the most of while much of the country is indoors with their television sets. And presumably the Queen will have organised splendid weather for the occasion.
Additional reporting by Tim WigmoreReuse content