The art of etiquette: A bluffer's guide to being posh

If Kate Middleton was feeling miserable yesterday, it is nothing to what her poor mother must have been going through. Carole Middleton once had a future as the nation's top mother- in-law. Now, she is being reviled as number one embarrassing mum.

Mrs Middleton, a descendant of generations of Durham coal miners, is a former airline stewardess who carved out a social position for herself through the old middle-class values of hard work and self-reliance, combined with a modern use of the internet. Her husband was a former pilot. Their mail order business, selling props for children's parties, allowed them to live in a five-bedroom detached house in Newbury and send their children to Marlborough, one of England's most expensive schools.

But no one taught Carole Middleton how to behave in the presence of people too posh ever to have needed to work. She did not hit it off with the young aristocrats who hang out with Prince William. "She is pushy, rather twee and incredibly middle class," a "royal insider" was quoted as saying in yesterday's Daily Mirror.

Given the astonishing attention paid to Prince William's love life, poor Mrs Middleton's fame as the socially distastrous mother has spread from Japan to the west coast of the USA. The Hungarian press, for instance, was explaining yesterday to its readers about the social blunders of "Mindemellett Carole Middleton"

The question of how to behave in front of aristocracy has plagued the socially ambitious for centuries, and not only in this country. It fascinated French writers such as Marcel Proust, long after the guillotine had knocked some of the arrogance out of France's leading families. The behaviour of the old Russian aristocracy was meticulously chronicled by Tolstoy and Chekhov. But no one has been more fascinated by the subjects of class and breeding than the English.

Fifty years ago, Nancy Mitford, one of Lord Redesdale's five extraordinary daughters, compiled a spoof guide that taught the bourgeoisie how to distinguish "U" from "non-U" behaviour. She did not expect that, in the age of socialism, anyone would take the joke seriously but the book was a runaway best-seller, devoured by upwardly mobile middle class couples who wanted to copy aristocratic behaviour without appearing pretentious.

Clearly, a new authoritative handbook is needed, if only for the instruction of the mothers of Prince William's future lady friends. Meanwhile, here is a brief cut-out-and-keep guide to "How To Be Posh".

Gestures

In Marcel Proust's novel about the habits of the French aristocracy, there is a long passage explaining how the narrator, as a young man, enhanced his social status in the eyes of a duke. The duke spotted him in the crowd and waved to him like an old friend. Young Marcel was smart enough to reply with a deep bow. Through these bodily gestures, you can demonstrate whether you are or are not able to move in the best circles.

Mrs Middleton's first and perhaps greatest faux pas was committed during Prince William's passing-out parade at Sandhurst. In the presence of The Queen, Prince Philip and the Prince of Wales, Mrs Middleton chewed gum. And chewed gum. And chewed gum. This is not quite as crass as the behaviour of the late Robert Maxwell, who put his arm around the Queen, but Maxwell was not trying to hitch his daughter to the second in line to the throne.

Do not try to shake hands with the Queen. Even if she offers, Tatler's advice is "you may not shake the Queen's hand, only touch it briefly". Do not turn your back on her. Bow from the neck or chest if you are a man, and if you are female, a little bob will do.

Dress

Being smart is not necessarily about wearing the most expensive clothes. One Friday in the Commons, Tim Sainsbury, a Tory MP whose family founded the supermarket chain, met Nicholas Soames, descendant of the dukes of Marlborough, who was kitted out in his hunting gear. "Going rat catching, Nick?" Sainsbury asked, surprised. Soames replied: "Fuck off, you grocer: you don't tell a gentleman how to dress on a Friday."

A gentleman wears a morning coat only at weddings, formal funerals, the Royal Ascot and the Derby. Those are also when ladies can parade their best hats. A man should always remove his hat when talking to a lady. Do not wear gloves in the presence of royalty.

Language

The thesis underlying Bernard Shaw's play Pygmalion and the musical My Fair Lady was that a flower seller could pass herself off as an aristocrat if she only learnt to speak the part. That is not just a matter of accent but it is also about choice of words. The commonest trap is to choose a posh sounding word, which actually is a giveaway. Mrs Middleton's crimes included using "toilet" and "pardon". You can say "lavatory" or "loo" or even 'bog', but not "toilet". And if you want someone to repeat what they have said, say so. Other words proscribed in Nancy Mitford's famous guide include mirror, settee, serviette and notepaper, which should be looking glass, sofa, napkin, and writing paper.

At table

Nowadays, it is thought smart to be at - or host - a "dinner party", although among the upper classes it was traditionally called supper. The meal in the middle of the day is never dinner; it is lunch. The final course is not dessert, but pudding. It is not necessary to seat your guests on new furniture or serve them with new cutlery. The best families do not buy these items, they inherit them. Hence the insult directed at the self-made millionaire Michael Heseltine by a Tory from an old family, which Alan Clark recorded in his diary, that Heseltine "bought his own furniture".

If you are a guest, you should wait until the host starts eating before you do. Should you be having a meal with the Queen, when she stops eating, so should you. When she enters the room, you stand. When eating a roll, you should break off a piece and butter it rather than butter all the roll.

Conversation

In My Fair Lady, Eliza Doolittle is told never to talk about anything but the weather, nor say anything else except "How do you do?" The funniest scene is when she forgets and describes slum life in a cut-glass accent. Obviously, you can go beyond the weather in real life, but remember that people who have inherited so much money that they have never needed to work may not want to hear about the jobs you have done. Prince William's friends would whisper "doors to manual" when Mrs Middleton was mentioned in conversation, a contemptuous reference to her former life as a stewardess. Nicholas Soames, MP, grandson of Winston Churchill and friend of Prince Charles, liked to shout "Make mine a gin on the rocks, Giovanni" at John Prescott, who started out as a ship's waiter. On the other hand, do not underestimate upper-class politeness. There is a story, possibly an urban myth, about a visiting head of state who was travelling through London in an open carriage with the Queen, when one of the horses broke wind. Her Majesty, naturally, apologised, whereupon the bemused president is supposed to have replied: "Madam, I thought it was the horse."

Forms of Address

Mrs Middleton's other famous error was saying "Pleased to meet you" when she met the Queen. It is to be assumed that everyone who meets the Queen is pleased. The first time you meet the Queen, call her "Your Majesty". After that, say "Ma'am". Years ago, a photographer asked the Princesss Royal "Can you turn this way, my love?", to which the Princess replied: "I'm not your love, I'm Your Royal Highness." That is how you address other members of the Royal Family. A duke is "Your Grace", or "My Lord Duke", but never "My Lord". If someone is The Honourable, it means he or she is the younger son of an earl, or the child or daughter- in-law of a viscount or baron. Do not use the title in speech, only in writing.