What a shambles: they tried to make us go to rehab. We said no, no, no

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The Independent Online

How do two of the most revered musicians in the country spend a sunny August Bank Holiday weekend? Sipping champagne at their enormous country villas? Jumping on private planes to the Côte d'Azur? Hiding in hotels eating nothing and getting into fights? The last, if they are Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse.

This pair are the best advert ever for Just Saying No to drugs. Winehouse, formerly gorgeous, her album nominated for four Mobo awards, married a man you wouldn't buy a used car from and instantly turned into a crazy bag lady. She has cancelled her world tour and was last seen leaving the Sanderson hotel with oily Blake Fielder-Civil, both dripping blood. Doherty is the most unlikely love interest since Grant Mitchell; even Kate On-Off Moss, apparently now joining him for "trysts" in Claridge's, calls him "slug" because "he's slimy and leaves a trail of mess". She believes she is a "moth to his flame", forgetting that moths are pretty grim, too.

Even sadder than these weirdo couples are their mates. Doherty's lawyer said that Pete is "pleased" to have escaped jail on a technicality, but announced po-faced that "he appreciates he has to take the bail conditions a lot more seriously", ahem. Another friend said – seriously, of course – "He means it this time." Amy's dad admitted, "Obviously I am very concerned, but Amy is with Blake. She's OK." With Blake? Are you kidding?

This weekend, both are in "crisis talks" with their nearest and dearest, which must be like having crisis talks with a stroppy toddler. They try to make her eat her vegetables but she says no, no, no. There is a Yorkshire expression for the medical intervention they need: they want putting in a big bag and shaking up.