What's your LQ?

His house bulldozed, kidnapped by aliens and possessing only a pair of stripy mud-spattered pyjamas, the bewildered hero of Douglas Adams' Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy bleakly observed: "I seem to be having tremendous difficulties with my lifestyle." By the standards of MSN Lifestyle's new "Lifestyle Quotient" quiz, he certainly is.

The 15-question "LQ" test compiled by MSN's in-house consumer marketeer Clare Bolton is designed to establish whether or not the website's readers "aspire to Madonna's lifestyle, or is Kate Winslet's more down-to-earth existence more appealing? But beware, how do you know you're not really Vicky Pollard? By finding out your Lifestyle Quotient, that's how."

The questions cover the size and style of respondents' homes, the number of staff they employ, the number of holidays they take each year and the quantity of beauty treatments, polo matches and designer clothes to which they treat themselves each week, month and year.

Yet the word "lifestyle" cannot be solely tethered to (or judged by) levels of consumption. When super-salaried City bankers with closets full of Savile Row tailoring and tans still glowing from that last-minute weekend in the Caribbean clear their desks and become rural postal workers, they say they're doing it "for the lifestyle". When we say a "good" lifestyle, we really mean one that makes us happy.

Business consultants have traditionally calculated the possible "lifestyle" they could expect doing different jobs by using equations that balance the time spent at work with the size of the salary and the level of job satisfaction received. MSN asks its readers how many bedrooms they have but not how many friends they have to fill them. It asks how much they spend on luxuries but not how much time they have to enjoy them. It assumes that to exercise they must either be a gym member or hire a personal trainer. To eat well, they must fill their trolley with expensive food. It assumes, in short, that a good lifestyle must be bought. (Although it does advise "horrifically high maintenance" types to phone a friend rather than buy that extra frock.)

A report on the first 1,000 Brits who have taken the time to click their way through the survey "reveals" that 57 per cent of us are members of a "Gucci Generation - living a life of luxury". The pace-setters are the over 65s, who seem to be indulging themselves more than anyone else. Secretaries have the highest LQ score among working people, followed by IT consultants. The Welsh boast of enjoying the most lavish lifestyles of any region. This surely can't be the case? And with bankers claiming to spend less than their secretaries, are these secretaries with their eight-room houses who take six holidays a year living a life of debt? What kind of a "lifestyle" is that?

It seems more likely that - rather than living it large - retired folk, secretaries, IT workers and the Welsh spend more of their time filling in market research surveys than the rest of us. MSN also claims that its survey reveals that one in six men treats himself to a regular "man make-over", although closer study of the question posed reveals that men may have just clicked on the dot because they have a monthly short back and sides. Perhaps the fact that the website will soon be launching a "men's fashion and grooming" section (which is seeking advertisers) explains why MSN has been lathering up the language on that section.

Clare Bolton says: "Its all a bit tongue in cheek, a bit of light-hearted fun. We don't want to depress anybody. We want MSN Lifestyle to be a source of inspiration for those with a low score."

Of course, once you've studied the questions and filled in the form, you may be left agreeing with the American humorist Fran Lebowitz, who said: "Those who use the word 'lifestyle' rarely have either."

Take the test

HOME & AWAY

1 How many holidays do you take a year?

None (score 1)

1-2 (2)

3-4 (3)

5-6 (4)

More than 6 (5)

2 How many times a week do you eat out?

None (1)

One (2)

Two (3)

Three (4)

More than three (5)

3 How many properties do you own?

I don't own, I rent/live with parents (1)

1 (2)

2 (3)

More than 2 (4)

4 How many bedrooms does your main home have?

1 (1)

2 - 3 (2)

4 - 5 (3)

6 - 7 (4)

8+ (5)

5 Is your main house:

A flat (1)

Terraced (2)

Semi-detached (3)

Detached (4)

6 Do you employ any help at home? (Gardeners, cleaners, nanny etc.)

No (1)

1 person (2)

2 people (3)

3 people (4)

More than 3 people (5)

7 How often do you decorate your home?

Less than every four years (1)

Every three years (2)

Every two years (3)

Every year (4)

Every six months or less (5)

SHOPPING

1 How much do you spend on clothes per month?

£0-£100 (1)

£100-£200 (2)

£200-£500 (3)

£500-£1,000 (4)

Over £1,000 (5)

2 Roughly how many items of designer clothing do you own (including shoes, bags, etc)?

None (1)

1-5 (2)

5-10 (3)

10-20 (4)

30-40 (5)

40-50 (6)

More than 50 (7)

3 How much do you spend on gadgets, CDs, DVDs every month?

£0-£100 (1)

£100-£200 (2)

£200-£500 (3)

£500-£1,000 (4)

Over £1,000 (5)

4 Where do you shop for food?

The local shop (1)

Budget supermarket (eg Aldi) (2)

Average price supermarket (eg Sainsbury's) (3)

Premium supermarket (eg Waitrose) (4)

Specialist food shops (5)

HOBBIES & ENTERTAINMENT

1 Which of the following activities do you regularly (more than 5 times a year) participate in:

Go to the cinema

Go to a popular music event

Go to the theatre

Go to the opera/classical music production

None of these

(Score 1 point for each)

2 Which of the following hobbies do you have:

Golf

Horse-riding

Sailing

Polo

Flying

None of these

(Score 1 points for each)

BEAUTY

1 How often do you have beauty treatments (hair, facials, massages)?

Never (1)

Annually (2)

2-3 times a year (3)

Monthly (4)

Weekly (5)

2 Are you a member of a gym?

No (1)

Yes (2)

I have a personal trainer (3)

BELOW 30

Style, what's that?

LQ? What LQ? You're just a pair of ill-fitting tracksuit bottoms away from being beyond help! Vicky Pollard is a TV character, not a style inspiration. Get out more often, and that doesn't include the local kebab house. Your life's a cultural desert; take a trip to the theatre or even a gallery.

When was the last time your pad saw a lick of paint? It's time to brighten the place up a bit.

You must act before it's too late. Sort those roots out, pluck that monobrow, bin the scrunchy and invest in some of the gorgeous summer fashions that are now in the shops. You don't have to spend a fortune: just a few clever measures could take you from dire to diva.

31-55

A life in perspective

Your LQ is about average. You enjoy life and, although you do spend money on treating yourself and looking good, you're not obsessed with it. As long as you're having a good time, you're not overly concerned about how you look.

You do make the effort to get out and about, and do take advantage of the activities and culture that's on offer where you live.

You can easily turn on the style when it's called for, but you're content to relax at home in your comfiest clothes.

Of course, it helps that you splash out on the odd designer label and enjoy an occasional beauty treatment, but your life is all about balancing life and laughter.

ABOVE 55

Horrifically high maintenance

Your LQ could not be higher: you could shop for England, heck, you could shop for Europe. Your idea of bliss is a platinum credit card and an eager-to-please personal shopper. You've managed to convince yourself that bills are only for little people and that you're actually saving money when you spend a fortune in the sales.

You're the divas' diva and you don't compromise on what you want. You'd flag down a cab rather than walk 10 yards in your Jimmy Choos and you wouldn't dream of opening the door without a pound of goo on your face.

But there's so much more to life than possessions. Spending time with people you care for is far more important to your emotional wellbeing than that new leather sofa. So the next time you find yourself stroking the hem of some gorgeous designer what-not, walk away and call or meet up with a friend instead. You'll soon be wealthier, emotionally and financially!